Azuvengers
by Section-Eight
Summary: Astonishing inks by X to the Zoltan. Who needs plot when you have TRON!
1. Awesome Teaser Sequence

**Azuvengers**

**Chapter 1: Awesome Teaser Sequence**

It was a typical afternoon in downtown Tokyo.

Godzilla, in other words.

Well, maybe it was Gurlugon or Barugon or Fin Fang Foom. Regardless, _something_ was smashing buildings, and _someone_ in a ridiculously large robot was smashing it. These were trivial details.

The important thing, thought schoolteacher Yukari Tanazaki, the _really significant_ thing, was _Street Fighter X_ — specifically, her pre-order thereof. She'd scrimped and saved for months for it; had bribed, cajoled and offered (or, from their perspective, threatened) to sleep with half the vendors in Akihabara market to get it;(1) and now, after a furious 15-minute sprint to reach downtown on her lunch-break, some idiotic chest-thumping radioactive iguana on steroids had stepped on her local _GameStop_!

"Hey you!" she said, standing atop the rubble. "Yeah, I'm talking to you, lizard-breath! You got any idea what you just did?! That was the best game store on the block! It had X-Box! Playstation! Nintendo! It had _Frogger_ stuck on free-play, damn it!"

"Rockketoo-PUNCH!" said the giant robot.

"You stay out of this!" she screeched.

"Yukari!" said her long-banged friend, cowering behind a hunk of rubble. "What are you doing?! We've got to get out of here!"

"No, Nyamo!" she snarled. "My soul burns for revenge!"

"Are you crazy!?" she said. _And why am I bothering to ask?_ she added, mentally. "No, wait! Don't —"

Too late. With a bestial roar, Miss Tanazaki had leapt from the rubble and charged the mighty beast. "Yukari SMASH!" She hurled most of a devastated _Marvel vs. Capcom_ console at the beast's ankle, where it shattered 'gainst its atomic skin. "HA! Feel the power of justice!"

The beast shifted its weight slightly.

"Ack!" said the teacher, as the earth split beneath her.

Her friend, Nyamo, snagged her by the sleeve. "Come on! Stop struggling! We are _leaving!_"

"I want another shot at him, damn it!"

She goggled. "Giant monsters! Lasers! Fire, doom, death! _Class in 10 minutes!_"

"Raaagh!" Miss Tanazaki shrugged her off, grabbed a nearby bicycle and hammer-threw it at her nemesis, striking the dread beast dead on.

_Boom_. The mighty report blasted teacher and friend off their feet. Dust flew. Walls split. Windows shattered. The beast bellowed in pain.

Yukari bounced upright much faster than advisable. "YES!" cried the mildly concussed-one, now mostly deaf and stone grey from cement dust. "Take that, you…uh…"

It was at this point that Miss Tanazaki, high-school English teacher, realized three things.

First, that she had just smashed her bicycle against the hide of a giant radioactive lizard.

Second, that said blow, whilst surely capable of cracking rock and toppling the gods themselves, was in no doubt partially assisted by a 600-tonne titanium sucker-punch from the giant robot, which was just now winding up for another.

Third, that the idiotic, chest-thumping radioactive iguana had just stumbled into Tokyo's second tallest office tower (the Altitudinous Building), dislodging 27 floors worth of prime real-estate and setting it tumbling in her general direction.(2)

Yukari's devastating one-liner died on her lips. She was dimly aware that she should be going somewhere, but the mass of stone, steel, and glass seemed to take up the entire world, or, at the very least, her immediate future. She felt someone (Nyamo?) pulling with desperate strength on her arms, but fear had fused her legs to the ground. She watched as the building hurtled on to its inevitable destination, tumbling ever so slightly, surrounded by a nimbus of sparkling shattered glass. She noted, distantly, that there were still people in it. _Oh,_ she thought. _There's cousin Egawa in accounting…how I hate him._

Her life flashed before her eyes. Most of it was beer. She wondered, briefly, who would take care of her kids. There they were, all alone, waiting back in the classroom for her, not knowing that their beautiful, eloquent professor with her mellifluous voice was even now about to meet a gristly, horrible end with lots of snap and crunch and blood on the sidewalk. Who would watch over them? Who would teach them about the world and its dangers? Who would get her vacation pay?

_Man,_ she thought, _I should have called in sick._

She fell to her knees, raised her arms and screamed.

Suddenly, a crack split the air, like a million exploding suns. There was a rush of wind, a deep, resonant _thoom_, and then…nothing.

Yukari opened an eye a crack. There was light everywhere. It was bright, blindingly so, yet soft and warm. _Am I dead?_ she wondered. _Is this heaven? Is…is there free beer?_ She checked._ Damn._

Someone gibbered by her sleeve. "Yu…Yukari…"

"Mm? Whazzap, Nyamo?" She followed her friend's shaking finger. "Oh."

Several tonnes of office tower had stopped a foot above her head, surrounded by a radiant glow. Right in front of her, a terrified office lady was pressed against a glass window. She waved, hesitantly. Yukari waved back.

"Look!" said Nyamo. "There! Who…what's that?"

"That" was apparently the source of the golden glow. It looked human, assuming humans came in fusion. A cloak of stars floated about its head. Twenty-seven floors of skyscraper, all intact, rested on its straining shoulders.

It turned towards Yukari, it's black-hole eyes ringed with the fires of creation. "Are you okay?" it asked.

Yukari gabbled. "Uh, yeah! Sure! Super!"

It nodded, flexed its knees, and soared gently skyward. It gently placed its burden atop its former home, welded it in place with some sort of ray, and returned, its cloak of stars wafting behind it. Several stunned office workers floated to the ground behind it. "You should leave," the figure told them. "I'm not sure how long that will hold." It moved to jump into orbit.

"Wait!" said Nyamo. "Who are you?"

The figure paused mid-leap, floating a bit. "Um…" It looked thoughtful. "It's, uh, kind of a secret," it said, sheepishly. "I guess you could call me — eh?" It seemed to hear something. "Cake? Thank you." And then, with the flash of the first light of dawn, it was gone.

Dust wafted in the devastated street. A small mob of office workers from the Altitudinous Building hustled past in an orderly panic. A streetlamp fell on someone's car.

Nyamo dusted herself off and glanced warily at the building. "Come on, Yukari. Let's do what the glowing thing said and get out of here. Yukari?" She looked at her friend and flinched at her 10-gigawatt grin. "Um, are you…?"

"Do you know who that was?" she asked, shaking with excitement.

"…'Cake'?"

"No, stupid! Didn't you see his chest? The big 'S' like a bolt from the blue? That was The Sentry™! The guy with the might of a million exploding suns! Time Magazine's Man of the Year! The smartest, strongest, sexiest, richest man in the universe and he _talked to us!_"

Nyamo blinked. "…And?"

"So we've got a shot at him!" said Yukari. "Just thing, Nyamo! All this time we've been looking in the singles bars for a perfect man when we should have been watching the skies! The golden guardian of good! He's gold, Nyamo, GOLD, and he's up for grabs!"

"Um…"

"Okay, here's the plan!" she whispered. "I'll go stand by that rickety brick wall and when I give you the signal, you knock it on top of me!"

"What!? No!"

"Right, good point, you don't have my superhuman strength. Okay, change of plan! I'll hop into that wrecked car, scream for help, and you light it on fire! He'll be back to rescue me in seconds! Got any matches?"

"Yukari!" said Nyamo, horrified. "Get a hold of yourself!"

But she was already on another planet. "Oooh, Yukari's gonna win, Yukari's gonna wiiiin!"

As her friend contemplated her dangerous, glamorous future as a super-hero's trophy wife, Nyamo's subconscious alerted her to a small, significant detail she'd missed in the last few minutes. "Um, Yukari?" said Nyamo.

"Less talky, more burny! Ow! That hurt, darn it!"

"Yukari," said Nyamo, massaging her wrist, "I want you to think for a second. Are you absolutely sure the person we saw was this Sentry character?"

"Well, duh. How many flying glowing super-hunks are there in the world, huh?(3) You saw him! He had the glow, the cape, the 'S', the —"

"Breasts," added Nyamo.

"— the look, the…the what?"

"Breasts, Yukari. You know, the things you keep smothering your date's faces in before they run screaming?"

Yukari crashed back to earth. "That…that was…a girl?"

"It's hard to tell, nowadays, but I believe so, yes."

"Oh." She considered this. "Well then. She's all yours, Nyamo."

"Good. Hey! Wait! What's that supposed to mean?"

**(Footnotes)**

1. Miss Tanazaki considered herself quite the bombshell. So did everyone else: she was loud, explosive, and tended to maim people. It wasn't as if she was ugly or anything (quite the opposite, in fact); it was just that most of the men she went after did not find her ability to shotgun 30 beers very attractive.

2. In our universe, the second tallest building in Tokyo is Tokyo City Hall. In this one, city council realized that it was pointless to build something that tall when some monster robot slug from Dimension X would knock the top off of it every other Tuesday, and went with a sensible two-story bomb-shelter. Now you know. And knowing is three-tenths of the battle.

3. Seventy-eight.


	2. Awesome Title Sequence

**Chapter 2: Awesome Title Sequence (In Which Everyone Shows Off their Powers to a Rockin' J-Pop Beat)**

A distant crash from a robotto-mecha-puncho rattled the school's windows. The students of Miss Yukari's class ignored it.

Well, most of them.

"Yeah!" cried Tomo Takino, watching the distant spectacle from her classroom. "Go, go Robozor!"

"Keep it down," said a long-haired girl seated across the room. "I'm trying to read."

"Yomi!" said Tomo, "how can you be reading when Godzilla is (probably) attacking the city! Again!"

"He did it last year, and the year before that," said Yomi, adjusting her glasses. "He always does at this time of year."

"Yeah," said a waifish, spaced-out girl by Tomo. "It's, like, sweeps week or something."

"But it's (probably) Godzilla!(1) And Robozor! Fighting! Explosions! Zap! Pow! Frotz!"

"I don't think that's Robozor," said a spiky-haired to her right, squinting.

"'Course it is, Kags," said Tomo, authoritatively. "He's got the rocket punch and everything."

"Nah, nah, they all got rocket punches," said Kags. "It's what they do. And don't call me 'Kags.'"

Tomo considered this. "Well, I guess it could be Mazinger."

"Hell no," scoffed Don't Call Me Kags. "The arm's all wrong. See, you can see the colour through the smoke and fire over there. (Is that Akihabara?) I'm thinkin' Roxxor and the RoxxorBoxxors."

"Oh, come on! Those guys couldn't stand up to the Big G! They got schooled by the Pickle Man. PICKLE MAN."

"Nice costumes, though," said the spaced one, apparently entranced by dust molecules. "Colour-coordinated."

"I'm tellin' you, it's them," said Don't Call Me Kags.

"Yeah, right. If it was really them there'd be all this fire and lightning and the —"

"Rokkusoru-BEEMUU!" thundered a distant voice. There was a flash of fire and lightning and a noise best described by the word "_NEEM_." Explosions followed.

"Nuts," said Tomo.

"Yeah!" cried Don't Call Me Kags. Smug, she stretched to reach a small chart entitled 'Super-Spotting Challenge' tacked to the wall and put a small tick under the name 'Kagura.' The 'Tomo' column was noticeably empty.

"Ergh," said Tomo, ticked at her lack of ticks. "How can you be winning…everyone knows I'm the super-spotter supreme!"

"With cheese!" added the spaced-out girl.

"I'm the best at what I do, girl," said Kagura.

"No you're not," Tomo said, flatly. She pointed to a tall student staring out the window. "Sakaki kicks your butt at everything."

Kagura flinched, struck by the bitter bolt of truth. "Damn you."

"Nyah hah ha!"

"Cake's ready!" said a disgustingly cute voice.

"Woo!" said Tomo. She and the gang by the window raced over to a short girl with orange hair in pigtails. (Kagura won, and looked noticeably smug.) She looked about 12 and radiated more cuteness than an atomic Sanrio store. Before her was a cake knife, cake server, cake plate, and no cake.

"Uh, Chiyo?" said Kagura. "Where's the cake?"

"Oh, I've heard of these," said the spaced-out girl. "This is one of them philosopher's scones, right? Like, the idea of a cake?"

The short girl, Chiyo, considered this. "I guess it could be, Miss Osaka, from a quantum perspective, but it's actually in here," she said, holding up a small thermos.

"Is this another one of your inventions?" asked Osaka, the wide-eyed space-dweller.

"Yep!" Chiyo poured a pinch of powdered crystal onto the plate, and uncorked a small test tube. "Just add water, and —"

A single drop from the tube hit the powder, and, after a small pink _floomp_, there was "— Instant cake!" There was a smattering of applause. She grinned. It was disgustingly cute.

"Woah!" said Tomo. "That's incredible! You're going to be rich!"

"What's in it?" asked Kagura.

"Flour, eggs, sugar, and a dash of Pym particles," said Chiyo, cutting cake.

"'Pym whatsicles'?"

"Wow," said Osaka, "it's got writing and pictures on it and everything."

Chiyo nodded. "It took me a long time to get that right."

Kagura took a closer look. "But why does it say, 'You stink'?" she asked.

"Huh?" She looked, and sighed, crestfallen. "Rats, I thought I fixed that bug."

Chiyo started passing pieces to students on the edges of the room, starting with the tall one staring out the window. "Would you like a piece, Miss Yomi?"

"Huh?" said Yomi, yanked from her book-trance. "Oh, that looks good, but I really shouldn't…"

"Yeah," said Tomo, "it'll go right to her butt!"

"It will not," she said, irritated. "And stop doing that."

"Doing what, Yomikles?"

"You've been poking me in the back of the head for the last three minutes," she seethed.

"Whaaaat?" said Tomo. "That's impossible, Yomi, since I'm clearly on the opposite side of the room. Ah, you must be hallucinating from lack of nutrients again." She made an infuriating clucking noise with her tongue. "I tell ya, those diets will be the end of you."

Yomi's novel crumpled ever so slightly.

"Um," said Chiyo, seeing the copy of War and Peace scrunch in her classmate's hands, "I'll just leave it here in case you change your mind."

Chiyo hustled some cake over to the tall student in the corner, Sakaki. She was staring intently out the window at the horizon. "Would you like some, Miss Sakaki?" she asked. She didn't seem to hear her. "Miss Sakaki?" she said, waving a hand in front of her eyes.

That did it. "Eh?" Chiyo proffered the pastry. "Cake? Thank you."

Chiyo saw something gold flash in the distance. "Oh, I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

She shook her head. "I was done there."

"How'd it go?"

"Good." She tried the cake, and raised an eyebrow. "This is excellent," she said, softly.

"Yeah," said Osaka, floating over, "even better than the hoary hoagies of Hoggoth."

"The what?" said Chiyo.

"Steve likes it too," she added. After seeing the kid's blank expression, she said, "He's over there," and pointed at an empty desk.

Chiyo bowed in its direction. "Thank you, um, Steve," she stammered.

"Did someone just say, 'You're welcome'?" asked Sakaki, distracted.

"Hey!" Yomi had shot up from her seat. "That was mine!"

"What was?" said Tomo, innocently.

Yomi took a deep, cleansing breath. "The cake you just stole off my desk."

"I did no such thing," said Tomo, indignant.

"Wha — you're eating it right now, dumbass!"

"Moe ahm mot," she said, through a mouthful of possibly-cake.

Yomi twitched.

"Besides," Tomo said, after a gulp, "even if I was, how could I have possibly grabbed it from way over here? It's physically impossible, I tell yah! Who do you think I am, Quicksilver?"

"Why, you…" seethed Yomi.

"You obviously ate it so fast that you didn't even realize you were doing it," said Tomo, matter-of-factly. "I swear, Yomi, you've really got to watch those eating habits of yours."

Yomi snapped. "Why you little — glk!" Something, possibly white-hot irritated rage, stuck in her throat. She looked at her hands, and saw something that horrified her. "Oh, oh no!" Making a noise like a whistling teapot through gritted teeth, she sprinted out of the classroom, feet clattering down the halls and stairs. A door slammed. Seconds later, there was a scream of incoherent vexation, interspersed with loud crashes, bangs, and the words "Damn it, Tomo!"

No one really noticed.(2)

Chiyo whirled on the trickster. "That was mean, Miss Tomo!" she said, frowning.

"Hey," she said, stifling a grin (poorly), "I'm lookin' out for her health, that's all."

"It was a no-calorie cake," huffed Chiyo.

Yomi shuffled back into class a few minutes later, her uniform noticeably dishevelled. Tomo flashed her a million-watt smile. She glared flaming death in her general direction then sat down to read, muttering to herself.

Chiyo offered her another slice, carefully. She thanked her, wordlessly.

A few minutes and one cake later, Tomo and Kagura cheered as the anonymous giant robot(3) triumphed over evil, defending Truth, Justice, and the Asian-Pacific Way. Godzilla/Gamera/Barbara Streisand shuffled off for the coast, making sure to step on city hall along as it did so.

At that point, Miss Yukari Tanazaki quite literally crashed through the classroom door, trailing masonry dust. "_I'm not late!_" she screeched.

Chiyo, who was about to point out that class started five minutes ago, caught her tongue in time.

Yukari slammed her noticeably scorched notes onto the podium, mumbling expletives under her breath. There was a chunk of drywall stuck in her hair. "Well?!" she said, noticing the stares. "Sit down already!"

"Miss Yukari?" asked Chiyo. "Are you okay?" Yukari gave her a look. She flinched.

The teacher scrawled something barely legible on the blackboard. "First lesson of the afternoon!" she said. "Repeat after me: _SUPER-HEROS SUCK!_"

"Soo-pah hii-los sak-ku," said the class.

"Correct!"

Chiyo looked embarrassed.

**(Footnotes)**

1. Tomo, being the monster otaku that she was, was actually doing this subconsciously.

2. Actually, there was one person, but no one could remember her name (for good reason).

3. The Japanese government had tried to license them, but gave up since they didn't have a printer large enough for the cards.


	3. In Which Nothing Happens

**Chapter 3: In Which Nothing Happens.**

_Greetings, human readers. I am Uatu, the Watcher. Since the dawn of time, my people have kept watch over the multiverse, bound by our oath to observe, but never interfere. I see and record all that transpires upon the planet you call Earth, for nothing of import may escape the gaze of the Watcher._

"_So, you see me when I'm sleepin'?"_

…_Yes?_

"_And know when I'm awake?"_

"_Be silent, Ayumu!"_

"_Eh heh, sorry Steve."_

"_Our apologies, Uatu. Please continue."_

…_On occasion, I utilize my vast knowledge and technology to gaze into universes parallel to my own for guidance — worlds that might have been, and may yet be. Some are of lands of sublime beauty, where there is no pain, war, or death. Others…are best not spoken of. This one, readers —_

"_Who's he talkin' to?"_

"_There are some things mankind was not meant to know, Ayumu."_

"_Like takoyaki?"_

— _is of no importance whatsoever. But it is amusing. It is a world where the gods you call super-heroes walk the earth, and where a small band of young high-school girls are about to join their number._

"_Wow, I'm a god?"_

_Indeed. Thus — _

"_Do I get a cool hat?"_

…_Thus…with the aid of the Chrono-Computer, I shall take you back in time to witness the fantastic origins of these young heroines._

"_Yay! Flashback!"_

***

It was seven in the morning. Chiyo Mihama, 12, was cooking breakfast.

This involved eggs, cheese, bacon, seven varieties of herbs and spices, a stove, a frying pan, and a box to stand on. It could have involved the small hadron collider inexplicably installed next to the blender, but that would have ruined the taste.

Under most circumstances, any sensible person witnessing a 12-year-old cooking breakfast over a gas stove unsupervised would immediately call child services. Under these circumstances, anyone who did would instead find themselves swarmed by stern men in black suits that would explain that what they had just seen was in fact the light of Jupiter reflected off an alien weather balloon. If they asked, they'd also get the recipe for Chiyo's pancakes.

Such were the advantages of friends in high places.

Not that Chiyo wanted the attention. She actually found it a bit irritating to know that, wherever she went, whatever she was doing, there was always a bodyguard or spy or Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (whatever that meant) trying to keep tabs on her. She baked them cookies on occasion.(1)

Such were the disadvantages of friends in high places.

It was worse in her younger days, of course. Back then, she could hardly build (properly buttressed) sandcastles in the playground without a small fleet of black vans driving by to check on her every three minutes. After she found no less than seven tracking devices in her Christmas presents (one of which was a pony(2)), she confronted her parents (in one of their rare moments at home) and threatened them with a vicious pouting campaign unless they told their superiors to back off. They did. The black vans vanished, and Chiyo had her life back. Of course, a lot of them were still there (just invisible), but her dad's Local Area Surveillance Network Disruptor System (disguised as an ordinary hair clip) and the occasional cookie kept them at bay.

Such was the life of Chiyo Mihama, mad scientists' daughter.(3)

Chiyo was smart. Very smart. She'd learned to read a few months after she was born; her first word was "deoxyribonucleic." She knew Latin, Russian, French and Spanish at five, and could write in haiku at six.(4) She took first prize at the local science fair when she was seven, and did it again the year after that (the judges called her ketchup-flavoured hot-dogs "ingenious"). When her singing potato pancakes(5) caused a small riot the year after that, her caretakers realized she might be bored and moved her up a few grades to high-school.

Chiyo sprinkled pepperoni on the pan in a fractal pattern. She added a pinch of salt, flipped the omelette, and slid it into her lunchbox. It had cats on it. Some asparagus, diced apple, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and she was ready for school.

"Mother?" she said, heading for the front lobby. "Father? I'm off to school now — wah!"

A brilliant purple ray zorched a potted plant next to her. It turned bright pink. Chiyo hit the floor. There were pink scorch marks all over the entry hall, she noticed. "And I think I know why," she groused.

"Feel the power of science, woman!" cried Mr. Mihama from the top of the stairs, brandishing a ridiculous ray gun.

"Ha!" laughed Mrs. Mihama, standing next to Chiyo in glowing pyjamas. "You have to wake up a lot earlier than that to pull one over on me! I heard you plotting in the night and had my Mihamatic Defence Lingerie ready for just this occasion!"

"Blast you, woman!" cursed Mr. Mihama, in his rabbit-themed robe. "I'll get you, one of these mornings!"

Chiyo looked cross. "Mother! Father! So early in the morning?" She huffed. "Honestly, the first time you're home in months and this is what you're up to? Clean this up at once!"

They flushed, crimson. "Eh heh, sorry dear," said Mrs. Mihama. "Late night, high spirits…Alphonse!"

"Yes, m'lady?" said the butler, appearing from nowhere.

"Clean this up, will you?"

"Yes, m'lady. Have an enjoyable morning at school, Miss Chiyo."

"I will!" she replied.

She slipped out the door, wincing a little as she heard a kracka-VOIP! followed by a roar of "SCIENCE!" behind her. _I can't believe they're my parents_, she thought.(6) She passed a young woman in a green dress and sun hat walking a large white dog on the way to the gate and perked up immediately. "Good morning, Miss Green!" she said. "Good morning, Mr. Tadakichi!"

"Good morning, Miss Chiyo," she replied, softly.

"I'm off to school now. You be a good boy, now, Mr. Tadakichi."

"…," said the dog.

"Don't talk to strangers, espers, time-travellers or aliens, Miss Chiyo," advised Miss Green.

"I won't!"

**(Footnotes)**

1. S.H.I.E.L.D. Directive Number 1706 clearly states that agents shall not accept any cookies, cakes, tarts, pies, meringues, or confectionaries from observation subjects in the field, "unless they're from Chiyo Mihama, since her triple-dipped upside-down layer cake is simply divine. Make sure to run it through the particle scanner first." Oh, and S.H.I.E.L.D. usually stands for Supreme Headquarters International Espionage Law-Enforcement Division, and is sort of an international SWAT team run by the UN.

2. Literally: the tech-wonks at S.H.I.E.L.D. had gotten a little carried away and created an artificially intelligent robo-horsie that could follow Chiyo everywhere. Chiyo rejected it immediately, and it now works at Kinkos.

3. "Mad!?" her parents would say. "Is it madness to want to unlock the secret quantum powers of the common orange!?" Then Chiyo would say, "Yes," and they'd sort of slink off, embarrassed.

4. "Small rubber ducky / Adrift on bubbling sea / Goes 'squeaky squeak.' Yay!"

5. It was just so odd to find a contralto potato. (Joke courtesy Zoltan, X.)

6. But the DNA evidence was irrefutable.


	4. In Which Even Less Happens

**Chapter 4: In Which Even Less Happens**

Chiyo skipped down the street to school. She liked school, actually. Sure, some of the lessons were a little dull, and she could learn everything she could ever want to know from her father's library (she was halfway through A Brief History of Time, Cooking Edition), but there were some things, she had realized, that you couldn't learn from books,(1) like the joy of friendship. _Speaking of which,_ she thought, hearing long strides behind her. "Good morning, Miss Sakaki!" she said.

"Mm," said Miss Sakaki.

"Did you finish Miss Yukari's homework assignment?"

She nodded. "It was tough to find with a rhyme for 'orange.'"

"I don't think there is one in English."

"Ah."

Chiyo looked up to Sakaki — literally, since she was about twice her height. The fact that she was also smart, strong, quiet, athletic, beautiful, and seemingly fearless simply added to her esteem. She was a figure of awe and admiration throughout the entire school, and, as Chiyo was beginning to notice, was also the subject of many male fantasies. She was, in other words, everything Chiyo hoped to be when she grew up…well, except maybe that last part.

Oddly enough, Sakaki had said almost the same thing to her once. Well, what she actually said was, "Cuter is stronger," the implications of which Chiyo was still puzzling over. She also wondered why a girl worshipped by so many people would seem to have so few real friends.

They talked about cats, mostly.

"…and then I thought it would look even _cuter_ if it were pink," said Chiyo, "so I added some tri-methly-ethyl toluenmeraise sauce and topped it with béarnaise sauce! All for less than 20 calories!"

"Mm," said Sakaki, stifling a yawn.

Chiyo noticed. "Oh dear, I got carried away again, didn't I?" she said, embarrassed. "Sorry for boring you, Miss Sakaki."

"Mm? No. It was interesting. I just didn't get much sleep."

"Really? Why's that?"

Sakaki considered her response. "Well…"

…In her dreams she burned with the fires of creation. The people of the world, far below her, were in chaos, and she could hear their cries. She reached out to help them, and they ran screaming from her hand, which glowed like the sun. Then she realized, to her horror, that the hand was moving of its own accord, sweeping aside man and beast, sundering stone and sea, slave to a silken voice whispering in her ear. And as the pandemonium reached a terrifying crescendo, a crow with the bloody face of Bea Arthur tore through space and time and croaked, "This is not a prophesy!" She screamed and…

"…_that's when I woke up."_

_There was a long, uncomfortable pause heavy with contemplation._

"_Oh," said Chiyo. "Oh my."_

"_Yes," said Sakaki, uncomfortably._

"I…don't really know what to make of a dream like that."

She nodded. "I couldn't sleep. What did it mean? Why did this dream come to me? And who is this 'Bea Arthur'?" Her schoolbag trembled.

Chiyo noticed, and stopped. "Um, are you okay, Sakaki?"

She shook her head.

"Do you…need a hug?"

She nodded.

Chiyo glommed her about the waist. She felt Sakaki relax ever so slightly. Standing on tip-toes, Chiyo patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Miss Sakaki, everything will be fine. I'm sure it was nothing."

"Did someone just say, 'Dun dun duh?'" asked Sakaki, startled.

"Huh?"

"TAKINO ATTACK!"

"Waugh!" Chiyo, with speed borne of experience, hit the dirt. The supreme martial arts majesty that was Tomo Takino Torpedo Tackle(2) missed her by inches and slammed into a wall called Sakaki.

"Please get off me, Miss Tomo!" whined Chiyo.

"Victory…to the swift…!" said Tomo, mildly concussed.

"Knock it off, you moron," said a voice of reason. Yomi plucked Tomo by the scruff of her neck, dragged her off Chiyo and plopped her on the pavement.

"Ow! What was that for!?" said Tomo.

"Being yourself," she replied.

"Some friend you are!"

"You're not my friend, you just followed me home one day…Morning, Chiyo, Sakaki."

"Good morning, Miss Yomi!"

"Mm."

"Hey!" said Tomo. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Yes," said Yomi.

Tomo was best described as a woman with the mind, hairstyle, and body of someone half her age: wild, childish, and spring-loaded. Since Yomi acted about twice her age, the two tended to balance each other out.

"Why did you try to tackle me, Miss Tomo?" asked Chiyo, rather cross. "And so early in the morning?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I saw you two lookin' so serious here and figured you needed a good ambush. Y'know, lighten the mood. Besides," she continued, with a glint in her eye, "it's good training."

"Eh?"

"On the battlefield," she intoned, "you don't have time for things like hugs and kisses. Danger lurks around every corner, and we, the super-heroes of tomorrow, must stand ready to meet it head on with fists of justice!"

"Chiyo," said Yomi, after a moment, "feel free to hit her now."

"I'm serious, Yomi! Haven't you read the news?"

"You _read?_" she replied, incredulous.

"It's in the latest Wizard," she said, drawing a glossy magazine from her bag.(3) "See?"

Yomi scanned the headline. "'Tokyo: the Next Marvel of the World'?"

"It says we've got the second largest super-hero population in the world after New York," she said, "_and_ the highest number of giant monsters, evil spirits, and doomsday devices(4) per capita!"

"Uh, yeah, Tomo, I know. That's why we have Godzilla drills, remember?"

"Don't you get it, Yomi?" she said, bubbling with excitement. "It means we've got it made! Any moment now, one of us could be struck by a magic meteorite, get super-powers, and save the world! This _rocks!_"

Yomi groaned. "Gods, how much sugar did you have this morning…Tomo, the odds of something like that happening are astronomical."

"Ah, but you forget that we are perfectly ordinary nubile young Japanese high-school girls at or approaching 18 years of age!" said Tomo, sagely. "I'd say the odds are in our favour!"

"You're confusing anime and real life," she said. "Again."

"Oh, come on, Yomi. You can't say that it wouldn't be cool to have super-powers. Don't you want Chiyo's super-smarts? Or Sakaki's super-looks?"

"Um, I don't have super-powers," said Chiyo. "Just a good memory."

"Like _that_ doesn't count," said Tomo, rolling her eyes. "You could probably make a ray gun out of two sticks and a ball of twine."

"Eh heh," she replied, embarrassed (since she could).(5)

"And so?" said Yomi. "What of it? Do you want us all to go look for radioactive spiders or something?"

"Maybe," said Tomo, "but we should really do is live up to our potential! Live life to the fullest! Carp the diem!"

"Says the girl who spends all her time watching TV," sighed Yomi.

"Hey! It could happen! You never know. Why, just as we've been standing here, I may have been bombarded by cosmic rays granting me super-speed!"

"Oi! Sakaki!" said Kagura, jogging by. "Race yah to school?"

"You're on!" cried Tomo. She was off like a shot.

"Hey! What the…aw heck with it." Kagura shrugged, and ran after her.

Chiyo was bemused. "My, Miss Tomo sure is energetic this morning."

"I suspect drugs," deadpanned Yomi. "You okay, Sakaki? You look tired."

"Bad dream," said Sakaki.

"Really? How bad?"

Sakaki told her.

"Oh," said Yomi. "Wow. That's, uh, pretty bad. Has this ever happened before?" Sakaki shook her head. "Have you been worried about anything lately?" Again, a shake. "Hmm, you got me, then. I wonder what Freud would have to say about it?"

"And I still say you shouldn't worry about it, Miss Sakaki," said Chiyo.

"It's a sign," said a voice from the ground.

"What?" said Sakaki.

Chiyo stopped, surprised. "Miss Osaka? Why are you lying on the sidewalk?"

"Tryin' to see the world in a grain of sand," she said, squinting.

"Ah," said Chiyo.

"I think that's France," she said, pointing.

"Eh heh…"

Talking with Osaka was a lot like playing Boggle: there were words there, but just as you managed to figure out what they meant, some strange person came along and jumbled them all up again. Or changed them to Sanskrit. Or fish.

A casual discussion on the weather, for example, would inevitably segue into the questions of "why is the sky up?" and the nature of the ground's terminal depression (it's down, you see). Likewise, a frank debate about the merits of capitalism versus communism would quickly jump the rails over the topic of invisible pickpockets and guys with freaky beards.

To most people, in other words, Osaka was a little strange.(6) She didn't seem very bright, fell asleep in class all the time, and was easily distracted by dust (angel dust, muttered the mean-spirited ones). The fact that she had the figure of a cardboard tube merely pushed her further into obscurity.

To Chiyo, Osaka was, well, free — as a bird, even.(7) She spoke her mind, all the time, and watched the world with the same wide-eyed wonder that she did, except where Chiyo saw magnetospheric substorms and clouds she saw fire dragons and David Bowie. Sure, she might get some strange ideas sometimes, but it wasn't her fault that her mind moved at right angles to the waking world.

Still, Chiyo couldn't help but smile and nod sometimes around her. This was one of those times. "I think that's a metaphor, Miss Osaka," she said.

"Huh? Nah, there's three of them, see?" she said, pointing at the sand-specks.

"Eh? Oh, 'phor,' yes."

"Osaka?" said Sakaki.

"Huh? Oh, hey Sakaki. How's the air up there, eh?"

"You said, 'it's a sign,'" she continued. "What did you mean?"

"Oh, that?" Osaka waved goodbye to Oregon ("See? It's the bit by that bit there.") and dusted herself off. "I heard your story, and I thought, hey, that sounds like one of them inspiration dreams and all."

"A what?"

"You know, when you have this weird dream that you can't explain, and you wake up with somethin' that's gonna change the world? Like, you see this doughnut, and it's kinda floatin' there, singing showtunes, and when you wake up, you realize you know where you dropped the remote control?"

"Um…" said Sakaki.

"I think what she's saying," said Chiyo, translating, "is that it's your subconscious is trying to tell you something?"

"Yeah, that's it!" said Osaka. "Like, you've been thinking about something in the back of your mind, and it's sort of figured it out for you in your sleep?"

"But what did I figure out?"

"Maybe your brain is trying to tell you to, um, be more confident in yourself?" suggested Chiyo.

"Or that ya got great power?" said Osaka.

"I hope not," said Sakaki. "I wouldn't want the responsibility."

"Trust me," said Yomi, "this is exactly the kind of thing you shouldn't waste daylight on. It's just a dream, right? Oh. Hey, Tomo."

"This (gasp!) isn't over yet!" said Tomo, gasping for breath against a lamp-post.

"Dude," said Kagura, jogging beside her, "I've already lapped you. Give it up."

"N-nevarh!"

**(Footnotes)**

1. The exception being the Codex Universalis, the tome of all known and unknown knowledge in all creation, available from Penguin Books. Not many people know about it, since it's hidden in the square root of the 27th dimension and isn't out in paperback.

2. "The T's stand for 'tough,' foo!" she explained.

3. In this world, Wizard is a popular magazine on the comic book industry. In the girl's world, it is the leading investigative journal into meta-human and super-heroic affairs, featuring award-winning authors and insightful articles on great powers and responsibilities. Tomo reads it for the pictures.

4. All of which, inevitably, involve Tokyo Tower. When asked for an explanation, Dr. Doom replied, "It's the style."

5. Once, while playing with her mashed potatoes, she discovered that she had serendipitously shaped them to form a Klein bottle. Her father immediately scolded her for violating the laws of physics and told her to eat her dinner.

6. This is not a pun.

7. (Cue killer guitar solo.)


	5. SCIENCE!

**Chapter 5: SCIENCE!**

Professor Stephen Erskine was having a bad day.

He woke up with a hangover. He forgot his lunch. Godzilla ate his car. And those damnable kids and their incessant, annoying questions! What did they take him for, a teacher or something?!

He paused. "Yes, Erskine, you are, in fact a teacher," he said, "a job traditionally associated with damnable kids." He made a note in his organizer to lay off the fumes.

"Ah, but it will all be worth it today," he cackled. "Won't it, Mr. Beaver?"

"Yes! Yes!" said Mr. Beaver, his lab assistant, closest companion, and, coincidentally, a sock puppet. "Um…why?"

"I'm glad you asked that, Mr. Beaver!" cried the professor. "I shall show you!"

He scuttled over to the experiment table. Mr. Beaver cooed as he spotted a glowing beaker in amongst all the tubes and alembics. "Oooh!" he said, "Whazzat!? Whazzat!?"

"This, Mr. Beaver, is REVENGE!" He grasped the cup-o'-vengeance and held it aloft. It shimmered with luminous sunlight. "For years, they laughed at me, Mr. Beaver —"

"Laughed! Laughed!"

"— cursed my spastic rhythm, mocked my two left feet. But once I have tested this, our super secret super soldier serum, I shall have within my grasp the means to become faster, stronger, better than I was before. I shall become the master of mambo, the sultan of swing…"

"The tsar of the zapateado?"

"…No, that would be silly," muttered the professor. "But all others shall be mine to command. My feet shall rule the beat. My wriggling hips and sinful gyrations shall hold all under my sway. Men shall weep, and women shall throw their undergarments in my direction! And at last, at long, long last, I shall show that accursed Flaherty who is the true Lord of the Dance! Mwah ha ha!"

"Ha ha ha!"

"What are you doing, Professor?" said Kagura, standing beside him.

"Gack!" Professor Erskine leaped a foot in the air. "Ack!" He fumbled the glowing beaker. "No!"

"Woah!" Kagura caught it before it hit the ground. "What the heck is this?" she asked. "Some kind of sports drink? And why is it glow —"

"Give me that!" he snapped, snatching it from her. "And why aren't you at lunch, student!?"

"I, uh, wanted to ask you about this chemistry question — is that a sock puppet?"

"No! I'm busy! Get thee hence! Begone! And do not question Mr. Beaver!"

"Yeah!" said Mr. Beaver. "No messin' wit' da Big B!"

"Okay, okay! Sheesh!" Kagura hustled out the door. "Should've asked Chiyo in the first place," she muttered. The professor slammed and bolted it behind her.(1)

"Cursed students!" he growled. "How do they expect a man to pervert the laws of nature with all these interruptions!"

"Professor Erskine!" said an electric voice.

"What? Who said that? Do you see him, Mr. Beaver?"

"Professor Erskine…" said Mr. Beaver.

The Professor was stunned. "Why, Mr. Beaver, whenever did your voice change so? And why are your eyes glowing?"

"Professor…" said the electric voice, speaking through Mr. Beaver.

"Are you possessed by an antimatter demon again, Mr. Beaver? I have some lozenges."

"_This is not Mr. Beaver, Professor Erskine!_" snapped the voice. "This is HYDRA Regional Command(2) speaking through the top-secret secret communicator which you so cunningly concealed within a sock puppet!"

"Gack!" The professor ripped off a hasty salute to Mr. Beaver. "Hail HYDRA! Immortal HYDRA! Cut off a limb and —"

"Yes yes yes, very good, gold star. Look, long distance is expensive — is the super soldier serum ready yet?"

"Yes, Regional Commander, sir!" said the professor. "I shall field-test it this afternoon, sir!"

"Excellent," said the voice. "Deliver your sample to local HYDRA operatives this afternoon. It had better work, this time, Erskine."

"O-of course it will work! The formulation is flawless!"

"Good, since the last three gave our agents a fatal case of the jitterbug. Be ready, Erskine."

"_Hail HYDRA!_" screamed the professor.

"Regional Command out." _Beep_, went Mr. Beaver.

"Ah ha ha ha!" cackled the professor. "They suspect nothing, Mr. Beaver! And now, once I have tested this formula upon the most physically inept student in the school, I shall use it on myself, and cut such a rug as to blast their feeble minds to smithereens!"

"Yay! Candy!" said Mr. Beaver.(3)

"And now, Mr. Beaver…the VICTORY DANCE!"

And so they danced in the light of fluorescent chemicals, Jacob's ladders and Bunsen burners. Badly.

**(Footnotes)**

1. In the weeks following the incidents in this chapter, the students would begin to wonder just why Mr. Erskine had installed that blast-reinforced door in the first place.

2. International terrorist organization dedicated to the destruction of S.H.I.E.L.D. and global domination. The name is not an acronym; rather, it refers to the mythical creature that gave Hercules such a headache. First appearing in _Strange Tales _#135, it has connections to Nazis, mad scientists, Barons, A.I.M., THEM, the Secret Empire, virtually every super-villain and hero under and over the sun, and your mom. But now we have said too much.

3. I have no idea.


	6. An Obscure Sherlock Holmes Reference

**Chapter 6: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Lunchtime(1)**

"Ah, lunch," said Osaka. "The most important meal of the day."

"Actually, that's breakfast, Miss Osaka," said Chiyo, seated next to her. "It's very important to start the day right."

"And with a proper breakfast you can get away with two meals a day," added Yomi, across from her. "Great if you want to lose weight."

"Oh," said Osaka, enlightened. "So, you don't want none of my lunch then?"

"Nope," said Yomi. "Not hungry." Something gurgled. Yomi punched herself in the stomach, muttered something unintelligible, and took a savage bite out of her lunch (celery).

The cafeteria bubbled with gossip and grease. The girls, as usual, had gathered at their usual table, like fatty broth clinging to a morsel of beef.

"That was a really bad metaphor," said Osaka.

"Huh?" said Chiyo.

"Never mind," she replied, mysteriously.

Kagura plunked her overloaded tray on the table and sat down in a huff. "Man, that guy is such a jerk," she said.

"Chairman Kaga?" asked Osaka.(2)

"Uh, no. Professor Erskine. Every time I try to ask him for help he blows me off like I'm some sort of moron."

"He's got that right!" quipped Tomo. Yomi backhanded her out of reflex. "Doof!"

"You can't possibly be serious about eating all that," said Yomi. "That's practically enough for two."

"Yeah," said Kagura, as she primed her chopsticks, "but I'll burn it off this afternoon."

"Really," said Yomi. "How nice for you." She speared a turnip with her chopsticks.

"And I'll need twice the energy if I'm going to beat Sakaki in track later today," she added, with a devilish grin. "You're going down, Sakaki!"

"Eh?" said a bleary-eyed Sakaki, across the table from her.

"Uh…down, you, going, me, the beating, you?" _Blink blink_, went Sakaki. "Aw forget it," sighed Kagura.

"Anyways," said Tomo, "on to more important matters!"

"Who made you the chair?" said Yomi.

"Namely," continued Tomo, "which teachers we hate the most! The floor is open for motions! I nominate Mr. Kimura!"

"Miss Tomo?" said Chiyo. "You can't make motions if you're the chair — agha!"

"Do we have a seconder?" asked Tomo, massaging her Fist of Chiyo-Crushing.

"But he can't be all bad," Chiyo reasoned. "Everyone has their good points."

"Really? Present proof, Inquisitor Chiyo-chan!"

"Um, he picked up a can once?"

"Obviously an insidious plot to create a shortage in the world's aluminium supply," said Tomo, sagely.

"No, no! He recycled it! Honest!"

"He is a bit creepy," admitted Yomi. "I'm sure I saw him peeking in the girl's change room once or twice."

"And no ordinary man could walk around with his jaw unhinged all day like that," said Tomo.

"Woah, wait a minute," said Kagura, "you sayin' he ain't human or something?"

"The possibilities are endless," she replied, darkly.

"Hey look!" said Osaka, pointing to her lunchbox. "A red herring!"

Chiyo leaned over to examine it. "Miss Osaka, I think that's a tomato."

"Huh? I vanquish thee, vile veggie!" She ate it. "Growmph!"

"Kimura's a creep," said Kagura, "but Erskine's worse."

"Ah!" interrupted Tomo. "You mean _Professor_ Erskine."

"Exactly! Where's he get off, calling himself that?"

"He is a little…eccentric," admitted Chiyo. "Father says he used to work with him before the lab let him go. I think he mentioned laser sharks?"

"Nothing about 'Mister Beaver'?" asked Kagura.

"He's a good kisser," said Osaka. Everyone at the table just stared. "Mister…Beaver…I mean," she continued, wilting. "Topic change! Topic change!"

"Mooooving on," said Tomo, "why the heck is he here?"

"Yeah," agreed Kagura. "Doesn't he have some sort of secret mountain lab to work in or something?"(3)

"I don't think he's that bad," said Yomi, "just really passionate about his work. Though I do wish he could go a single lesson without saying —"

"'Behold the _power_ of _SCIENCE!_'" said the girls, in unison.

A passing girl stopped by their table. "Oh, are you talking about Professor Erskine?" she asked.

"Yup!" said Tomo. "Wanna join in?"

"Um, no time," she replied, "but have you seen him? I have to, ah, _talk_, with him about something."

"He was in his room last I saw," said Kagura. She rolled her eyes. "Y'know, the 'Fortress of Solitude'?"

"Great! No witnesses! Ack!" She tripped and dropped her cell phone.

Chiyo handed it to her, and did a double-take. "Oh my," she said, "isn't this one of those —"

The girl panicked. "No, no it isn't! Ordinary phone! Perfectly normal!"

Chiyo blinked. "But I'm sure I saw one of these in father's lab. A StarkTech Model III, yes?"

"Running away!" she squeaked, as she did so.

"Who was that weirdo?" said Tomo.

"Tomo," sighed Yomi, "how could you possibly not recognize her? She's been in our class for three years. That was…uh…starts with a 'chi'? Chihiro, that's it."

"I can't help it if she doesn't make an impression," mumbled Tomo.(4)

"Don't worry, Miss Tomo," said Chiyo, patting her on the back, "I had trouble remembering names when I first started high-school too."

"I don't need your sympathy!" she snapped, swatting the sympathetic hand (and, accidentally, her drink) away with dramatic flourish. "Crap! My juice!"

"Eh heh," said Chiyo. _But what on Earth was she doing with a military-grade taser-phone? _she wondered.

Osaka sighed. "Man, I'm never gonna make it through this afternoon."

"Why's that?" asked Chiyo.

"Gym class, man. Gym glass," she said. "All that runnin', I'm tired just thinkin' about it."

"Yesh, runningsh!" said Kagura, through a mouth full of noodles. "Sheh ulfmafimte (slurp) sport! Just you, your muscles and the wind! Feet pounding the track! Heart (gobble) racing to the finish line! The 100! The 500! Man, (gulp) I am psyched!"

"You're getting ramen everywhere," muttered Yomi.

"Easy for you to say," sighed Osaka. "You got, like, super-speed or somethin'."

"Nah, I practice, is all. That's all you need, Osaka, is training! Lots of training!" Kagura took in Osaka's wet-noodle physique. "Um, lots and _lots_ of training." Osaka sighed.

"Don't worry, Miss Osaka!" said Chiyo. "I've got the solution right here!" She pulled a remarkably well-insulated thermos from her bag. "Here! Drink up!"

"Whazzat?" said Tomo. "Plutonium?"

"Um, no, it's a new energy drink I came up with," said Chiyo. "Although there was a _bit_ of fission involved, now that I think about it."

"Is this one of those performance-enhancing drugs?" asked Osaka.

"Nope. All natural ingredients."

"Oh. I heard that ginko bilboa stuff's pretty powerful, though."

"Yes. It must be managed carefully."

"Why is there the symbol for 'radioactivity' on that thing?" asked Yomi.

"Huh? Oh, that was an old joke. Although you might not want to expose it to too much oxygen at once, come to think of it."

The girls backed away from it. "I'm, uh, not so thirsty no more, Chiyo," said Osaka.

"It's perfectly safe!" she insisted.

Meanwhile, high above, suspended from the cafeteria ceiling by a complex series of wires and pulleys and invisible to all who were studiously trying to ignore him, Professor Erskine set in motion his fiendish plot. (Dun dun dunn.)

"There she is, Mr. Beaver!" he hissed. "Ayumu Kasuga! Lowest scoring phys-ed student in the entire school, and our test subject!"

"Moo hoo ha ha!" said Mr. Beaver.

"Now, Mr. Beaver, while you detonate the explosives I planted earlier, I shall sneak in while she is distracted and administer the formula! She'll never suspect a thing. The plan is flawless!"

"Flawless!" cheered Mr. Beaver, who was holding a very small magneto.(5)

"Yes!" cackled the professor. "Now, on the count of three. One, two…oh, confound it all…"

The professor had just realized that most asbestos-filled ceiling tiles, including the ones in this cafeteria, were not designed to support a 175-pound corpulent mad scientist. With an undignified scream, he plummeted to the floor next to the girls' table with a tremendous crash.

"Holy spit-take, Batman!" said Tomo, who did one.

"What the heck is — oh. It's Mr. Erskine," said Yomi.

"That's PROFESSOR ERSKINE, you proletariat!" he roared, sprinkling tile dust.

"Um, are you okay, Professor Erskine?" asked Chiyo.

"And what the heck were you doing up there?" asked Kagura.

The professor was painfully aware that he was now the centre of attention in the room. "Um…uh…err…look! An atomic hamster!"

"Huh?" The girls turned to look. Mr. Beaver surreptitiously spiked Osaka's drink.

The girl from before, Chihiro, skidded into the cafeteria. "Freeze, Erskine!" she said, as she brandished a perfectly ordinary pencil case that just happened to have optical sights.

"Flee!" said the professor, as he dove through a nearby window. There was a rocket's roar, followed by the sight of the Erskine blasting off towards the horizon in a flying Honda Civic. "You'll never take me alive, agent!" he cackled.

"I'll get you next time, professor!" cried Chihiro, shaking her fist. "Next time!"

"Um, Miss Chihiro?" said Chiyo. "What are you doing?"

She froze, aghast for some reason. "Ah, this," she fumbled, "this, this is…"

"'Method acting'?" suggested Yomi.

"Yes! Yes. Acting! Eh heh heh heh." She sagged when she saw blank stares all around. "Um, I'll be leaving now." She did, looking miserable and muttering something about "being _so_ fired."

"Weirdo," said Yomi. "Augh, there's dust all over my lunch."

"Dude, there's like half a radish there," said Tomo, who apparently loved the taste of asbestos at mid-morning.

"I'll take what I can get," growled Yomi. "Hey, Sakaki, you better hurry up with your lunch. It's almost time for class."

"…" said Sakaki.

"Uh, Sakaki? Earth to Sakaki?"

Chiyo nudged her, gently. Sakaki woke with a start. "Eh? Where? When?"

"Are you okay?" asked Yomi. "It's not like you to doze off like that."

"Doze…off?" She blinked, slowly. "Um, why is there a hole in the window?"

"You slept through that!?"

"Maybe you should go home?" said Kagura. "I can always kick your ass later."

"Mm," she said, with a shake. "I'll be fine."

"I think you need this more than me," said Osaka, offering her Chiyo's drink.

"It should perk you right up, Miss Sakaki," Chiyo explained.

Sakaki took a taste. "This…is very good," she said. Her eyes widened. "And strong. Very strong."

"She's not going to explode or anything, is she?" asked Tomo.

"I'm telling you, it's okay!" said Chiyo. "Probably," she added, after some thought.

Sakaki nodded. "I feel much better. Thank you, Chiyo."

"You're very welcome!" she chirped.

An electronic bell tolled the end of lunchtime. "Aw man," sighed Osaka, "the bell tolls for me."

"There's still one class before gym," said Chiyo, patting her on the back.

"Just delayin' the inevitable," she replied.

"Get ready, Sakaki," said Kagura, rising. "One hour, you and me, 500 metres. Pow!"

"Huh?" said Sakaki, who'd been distracted by a passing cloud.

"Aw, forget it!"

**(Footnotes)**

1. "But there was no dog, Holmes," said Dr. Watson.

"That was the curious incident," he replied. "Look out! Cougars!"

2. In our world, the pepper-masticating mastermind of Iron Chef; in this one, the Japanese equivalent to Carrot Top.

3. He did. The commute was terrible.

4. _Author's note: Chihiro is a very minor character in Azumanga Daioh, so minor that it's become a running gag in the fandom that no one can remember her name. First seen in The Sensational She-Hulk #24._

5. Less Ian McClelland, more plunger-explodey. Although the idea of Mr. Beaver holding a tiny Magneto plushie is amusing.


	7. SHAZAM!

**Chapter 7: SHAZAM!**

_Tweet_, went Nyamo's whistle. "Okay, class, great job!" she said, proudly surveying her students as they jogged by. "Go hit the showers! Except you, Pedro, two more laps."(1)

Osaka flopped fish-like to the ground, exhausted. "Fbleh," she moaned. "Ah think…mah lungs…are still…at…the startin' line."

Chiyo joined her. "My knees are on fire!" she whined. "Why'd we have to do the 300?"

A manic, sweat-soaked Tomo dragged her to her feet and shouted, "Because THIS…IS…SPORTA!" She then, of course, folded like an accordion.(2) "Oooh, pretty stars…"

"Miss Tomo, I think you're suffering from hypoxia again," sighed Chiyo.

"That would explain the state of her brain," agreed Yomi. "What were you thinking, sprinting like that in a distance event?"

"Midichlorians!" she wheezed.

"For heaven's sake, take some deep breaths before you suffer brain damage. More so."

Kagura jogged on the spot next to Sakaki, who leaned against a tree. "Ha hah!" she said, grinning ear to ear, "that was a close one, huh? We were neck 'n neck through the hurdles and the steeplechase! I _so_ would'a beaten ya if it wasn't for that darn long-jump."

"Hah…" gasped Sakaki.

Kagura stopped. "Uh, hey, you okay there, Sakaki? You look a little pale."

"Oh dear," said Chiyo, who'd finally caught her breath, "I hope it isn't heatstroke. Do you feel dizzy at all, Miss Sakaki?"

"A…a little," she said, wavering slightly. "Feel…strange. Sort of…hot all over. Stomach…mmphf!" She doubled over, nauseous. Before anyone could react, she made a dash for a distant garbage can.

"Woah!" said Tomo. "That girl's fast!"

"Chiyo!" called Yomi, running after her, "get Nyamo!"

"R-right!" She dashed off.

"Uh," said Osaka, "I, uh, gotta get something!" She ran for the locker room.

Kagura reached Sakaki first. "Just breathe, girl, breathe!" she said. "Though, uh, not too deep," she said, after checking the can, "I think there's a skunk there or something."

"What do we do!?" freaked Tomo. "CPR? Insulin? Mouth-to-mouth?"

"Calm the hell down," Yomi snapped. "Don't worry, Sakaki, everything's going to be fine." She felt her forehead and gasped. "Holy mackerel, you're burning up!"

"Here!" said Tomo, grabbing a bottle. "Drink this! I barely spat in it!" Sakaki pushed it away, panting.

"What's happening to her, Yomi?!" cried Kagura.

"How should I know?" she replied. "Talk to us, Sakaki!"

Sakaki gasped, her face soaked with sweat, pupils dilated to pin-pricks. "I…I…ngh!" She fell to knees; Kagura saved her from a face-plant.

"I can't find Miss Nyamo!" cried Chiyo. She took one look at Sakaki and paled. "I'll get the nurse!"

"No!" Sakaki put a death-grip on Chiyo's wrist.

"Miss Sakaki?!" _Her hands! They're like molten steel! _She gasped when she saw her wild eyes.

"Please…" she whispered "I…" The words stuck in her throat. _I'm scared_, she mouthed.

Chiyo hesitated, and then took her hand. "It…it'll be okay, Miss Sakaki!"

"Sakaki," said Yomi, "please, you have to try and tell us what's happening to you, or we can't help."

She tried, valiantly, but couldn't catch her breath. _What __**is**__ happening to me?_ she thought. Her lungs were on fire, and her heart was approaching light-speed. Solar flares crawled across her skin, and lighting surged in her veins. She was burning all over, except for her gut, which seemed to be collapsing into an ice-cold black hole. "S-stomach…" she managed.

"Maybe it was something she ate?" Tomo babbled.

"Oh no!" gasped Chiyo. "The drink! But for it to cause this…that's inconceivable!"

"Aaaugh!" The girls leapt back at Sakaki's agonized cry.

"Oh crap! This is it!" said Tomo.

"Miss Sakaki!" cried Chiyo. "I'm sorry! Please hold on!"

"Nnn!" she replied, through gritted teeth. She clutched her head. "Hurts! Why does it hurt?!"

Chiyo reached out to hug her. _Zap!_ "Ah!" A thunderous jolt of static electricity threw her on her rear. "What the…?"

"Uh, guys?" said Kagura. "I, uh, I think something's happening."

There was. Small bolts of electricity were arcing off Sakaki, scorching the grass. Motes of light shed from her skin like feathers from a phoenix.

"Aaand now she's glowing," continued Kagura. "That's, uh, that's not normal, I think."

"What did you put in that stuff, you crazy culinarian you?!" yelled Tomo, shaking Chiyo.

"It was all natural, I swear!" she wailed.

"M-maybe we should run?" said Yomi, preparing to do so.

"_Make it stop!_" cried Sakaki.

Chiyo was at her side in an instant. "I'm sorry, Sakaki," wept Chiyo, face buried in the girl's sleeve. "I'm sorry!"

Sakaki didn't hear her. "Someone please…they're hurting!"

Chiyo blinked. "'They're' hurting? W-who are 'they', Sakaki?" she whispered.

Sakaki, eyes brimming with radiant tears, turned to face her. "You…you can't hear them?"

"Hear whom?"(3)

"The…the voices," she said in a trembling whisper. "Everywhere…crying for help." She wept. "Someone…someone help them, please!"

Chiyo's hair stood on end as the air filled with plasma. She stood, awestruck, as an inner light seemed to fill her stoic friend, one hot and bright as a star, and spilled from her open eyes. "Miss Sakaki?" she whimpered.

"Chiyo!" cried Osaka, rounding the corner. "Run away, now!"

"Huh? Ah!" Kagura snatched Chiyo by the shirt and tossed her aside. "Miss Sakaki!"

Sakaki clutched her head as if it were about to burst. The light of distant novas surrounded her. There was a sound like the universe taking a shrill breath. "Someone," she whispered, "please…_help them!_"

And then there was light — not the warm, loving light of a thermonuclear bomb, but that of the thunderbolt, the furious fist of Zeus after a really bad day. Chiyo swore she could see her bones for a second. Then came heat, a blast from the heart of an exploding star. And then, at last, sound, a crackling, rolling, ear-splitting _krack-KOOM_ that, strangely enough, did not rattle leaves or shatter windowpanes, but certainly shook every living thing that heard it to their core.

Chiyo coughed and rolled over. "Ouch…" She noticed Osaka was crouched right in front of her, holding an open umbrella like a shield. _How did she get here so fast?_ she wondered.

"Chiyo," asked Osaka, seriously, "you okay?"

"Huh? Um, I think so?"

"That's good," she sighed. She put away her umbrella. "How about you guys?" she asked the others. "You, uh, ain't growin' horns or nothin', right?"

"Ugh…" said Kagura, clearly dazzled. "Seein' stars…like a million exploding suns …"

"I…I'm fine, I think," said Yomi, who didn't look it. "But what about —"

"_Great Kirby's cigar!"_ shrieked Tomo. "_Sakaki's exploded!_"

And it seemed she had. Where once was an ordinary, if unusually tall, shy, and (at the time) glowing high-school girl, there was now just a small circle of scorched earth and a trash can that was having a seriously incendiary day.

Chiyo fell to her knees. "Oh no," she whimpered. "What have I done!? I, I've killed her!"

"No!" Osaka grasped her firmly by the shoulders. "No, she's okay Chiyo, really! I'm ain't sure, but I don't sense her over there!"

Chiyo blinked. "'Sense'…what are you talking about, Miss Osaka? And…why is your umbrella glowing?"

"Uh, Shield of the Seraphim," she muttered.

"Excuse me, but is this really the time to take a trip to Osaka-Land?" said Tomo. "Our best friend just went nuclear here!"

"Ah, Steve says it's more like fusion," said Osaka, listening to some unheard voice, "though I dunno the difference."

"_Osaka_," said Yomi.

"Mm? Waugh!" she said, upon seeing Yomi's expression.

Yomi loomed over her like an apocalyptic asteroid. "What. Is. Going. On? Where is Sakaki?! Spill it, or I'll, I'll —"

"Look!" said Kagura, pointing.

Chiyo gasped. There was a familiar raven-haired giantess standing by a nearby tree, wreathed in golden flames and staring at her hands with a horrified expression. "Miss Sakaki!"

The girls ran to her. "S-stay back!" she said, horrified. "I, I don't want to hurt you!"

"It's okay, Sakaki," said Osaka, clutching her umbrella. "We're here to help."

"We are?" said Tomo.

Chiyo took a few cautious steps towards her. "Miss Sakaki…what happened to you?"

"No!" Sakaki recoiled. "Stay away! I, I can't control it!"

"Sakaki," said Yomi, "we have to get you to a doctor."

"Uh, yeah," agreed Kagura. "That whole turning into light thing can't be normal."

"Am I the _only_ one who's completely lost here?!" screeched Tomo.

Chiyo sniffed. "I'm sorry, Miss Sakaki. Please, come with me, and I'll try to fix everything." Arms open, she took another step.

"_STAY BACK!_" Sakaki cried.

There was a brilliant flash, and a crack of thunder. Sakaki opened her eyes. The girls were gone. "No…" She stared in horror at her radiant hands. "No! What have I done!?"

Another flash, and she too was gone.

**(Footnotes)**

1. I think we all know what his reaction was, yes?

2. The author would like to apologize for inventing an athletic event solely for the purpose of a bad pop-culture reference. The exact nature of "the 300" event is left as an imagination to the reader, but likely involves elephants.

3. Chiyo is _exactly_ the kind of person who, in the midst of a terrifying cataclysmic event, would make sure she was using proper grammar. Regrettably, this author isn't sure whether this should be a "who" or "whom." He apologizes to Miss Mihama.


	8. DOOM!

**Chapter 8: DOOM!**

"_All right, now we're gettin' to the good part!"_

_There is no good or evil in this universe; only change. But it is true that we now come to the more eventful part of the record._

"_Popcorn, Steve?"_

"_Blast it, Ayumu!"_

"_Heh, kiddin'."_

"_By the frigid toes of Maximoff, you're really starting to tick me off…"_

_Behold! We have movie sign!_

***

Yomi and Tomo splashed down in a convenient alleyway like a bolt from the blue. Bags, old bento boxes and the occasional cat scattered everywhere.

Tomo burst from the trash like a Polaris missile. "What the heck was that!? Where am I?! Where is everybody!? Chiyooo! Sakakiiii! Yomi! Where are you!?"

The trash trembled. "Under…your…feet," it growled, "idiot!"

"Oh. Sorry Yomi." She stepped lightly aside. "Uh, Yomi, you got a bit of, uh, in your, uh…"

"I know," said Yomi.

"And a lot of —"

"I can feel it running down my back, yes."

"I mean, geeze, you must have half the pile in your hair alone —"

"_Tomo!_"

"Sorry, sorry! Little nervous here."

"Ugh…" Yomi made a valiant effort to liberate her hair from the clutches of glue, paper, grease blobs and old bananas (not peels!) before giving up in disgust. "What the world just happened? And where are we?"

"Well," said Tomo, trying (and failing) to look nonchalant, "Sakaki got sick, then, uh, exploded, and there was this light, and then we ended up in…" She poked her head out of the alley. "…uh, looks like Akihabara?"

"Tomo, I am not in the mood for your brand of crazy right now…" said Yomi.

"I'm serious! Look!"

She did. "…Is that _MegaGamers_?" she said, in disbelief.(1) "But…but that's impossible! That's across town! There's no way we could have travelled so far so fast!"

"Unless…" said Tomo, striking a reflective pose, "we teleported."

Yomi considered this. "What?!"

"Oh my god, we teleported!" squealed Tomo. "We _teleported!_ Quick, Yomi! Do I smell like brimstone?"(2)

"Get your armpit out of my face!"

"Eeeek, this is so cool!" she continued, in full-blown fangirl-mode. "We've defied the laws of physics! We're supernatural! Super-powered! Whee!"

"_Tomo!_" Yomi slapped her. "This is NOT. THE. TIME! Kagura and Chiyo are missing, God knows what's happened to Sakaki, and we've somehow blasted across town in an eye-blink! And I've got a migraine! So stop goofing around and start figuring out what the hell we're going to do!"

"Uh, you've got sort of a vein throbbing in your head right now? Okay, okay, sorry!" she apologized, after Yomi threatened her with a righteous drubbing. "We could start by getting out of this alley, maybe?"

They stepped out into the crowded throng of musky otaku. Overpriced merchandise spilled from every window. Roving cosplayers posed coquettishly, and Pockey salesmen hawked their wares. A mob of cross-play fanciers tried to take a picture of them but ran away screaming when they learned they were real live schoolgirls. "I swear, every damn time I come down here," grumbled Yomi.

"So we're really in Akihabara?" said Tomo. "Sweet! I wonder if they've rebuilt _GameStop_ yet?"(3)

"Focus, Tomo, focus!"

"Right, right. Friends, Sakaki, _krack-KOOM_. Maybe they have their phones with them?" Tomo said, pulling hers from somewhere within her gym shirt.

"You carry your cell phone in gym class?" asked Yomi.

"Well, duh," said Tomo, dialling at light-speed.

"But where the heck do you — never mind, I don't want to know."

"Moo hoo ha ha," she replied. "No answer to any of them. Figures. Maybe we should — holy hellfire, that's Sakaki!"

"What? Where!?"

"There! There! On the TVs!" exclaimed Tomo. She dragged Yomi over to a nearby electronics display. The screens were showing some sort of news broadcast. Tomo cranked the volume on one of them.

"_And following our top story,_" droned the reporter, "_a mysterious golden goddess of good has been spotted throughout downtown Tokyo, righting wrongs and triumphing over evil. We go now live to reporter John Jameson on the scene. John?_"

"_I think you're editorializing a bit, Perry,_" said John, standing in front of a flaming 12-car pileup.

"_And why's that?_"

"_Well, 'golden goddess of good'? Bit over the top, isn't it?_"

"_We are live on the air, John._"

"_Precisely why you shouldn't exaggerate so, Perry. We have standards. How do we know this creature is 'mysterious' and 'good' anyway? Heck, she's hardly even gold!_"

"_John…_"

"_More like an incandescent lemon than anything._"

The newsreader sighed. "_Just…tell us what you saw, John._"

"_Well, at 3:32 this afternoon, this 'golden goddess,'_" and here he rolled his eyes, "_reportedly appeared with a flash of light and crash of thunder and seemingly liberated 27 people from the flaming wrecks behind me with no apparent thought to her own safety, arguably saving their lives."_

"_I'm detecting a note of sarcasm in your report, John._"

"_Well, duh, Captain Genius. How do we know she wasn't a Skrull or a socialist or some sort of random plasma phenomenon?_"

"_Random plas — John, there were hundreds of witnesses all over town!_"

"_Mass hallucinations caused by chemicals in the water,_" quipped John.

"_She stopped an earthquake! Put out a burning building! Saved a kitten from a tree!" _

"_Clearly a menace to society. It's called skepticism, Perry. Get some. Sheesh, no wonder Kent stuck you behind a desk._"

"_Just…roll the footage already._"(4)

"See? See?" said Tomo, pointing at a strange golden figure on screen. "It's her! I'd recognize that rack anywhere! Uh, not that I pay attention to it or nothing."

"But that's impossible!" said Yomi. "Sakaki can't fly, or glow, or, uh, wow, did she just lift a train? I mean normally! Prior to 10 minutes ago! Gah! This doesn't make any sense!"

"Wait!" Tomo said. "Let's think about this for a moment!"

"Coming from you, that's almost an obscenity."

"Seriously, isn't it obvious? Sakaki drank that whatchamacallit of Chiyo's and it turned her into a super-hero!"

"That's impossible, Tomo. How could a —" She paused, suddenly recalling some of Chiyo's other delicacies.(5) "No. No, I won't believe it. Chiyo would never test something so dangerous on one of her friends. There has to be some other rational explanation!"

"Bah!" bahed Tomo. "You and your rationality. She probably got hit by some cosmic phlebotium or something. Or her X-genes kicked in."

Yomi sighed. "Tomo, none of that stuff happens in the real world." Tomo stared at her, levelly. "To normal people, I mean." More staring. "To Sakaki!" She pointed to the TV. "Argh! Fine! The whole world's gone mad!"

"Actually, I think it's just you," said Tomo, watching Yomi's world crumble around her with some amusement. "Don't you watch the news, Yomi? People get bathed in mysterious blasts of radiation every day!"

"Yeah, and get _cancer_, not _laser vision!_"

Tomo gasped. "Wait! _We've_ been blasted by mysterious energies too! Yomi! Are you pondering what I'm pondering!?" she asked, starry eyed.

Yomi was far too shocked by the fact that Tomo had small supernovae in her pupils to respond properly.(6) "Buh?"

"We're gonna get super-powers too!" she squealed. "Eeek!" she continued, doing a happy-happy-hyper dance. "I can feel my DNA tingling already!"

"That's your face from the slap I'm about to give you," growled Yomi. "Can we come back to Earth for a second? Or this universe, even?" Seeing a small planetarium of stars orbiting Tomo's head, she guessed not.

"Now," said Tomo, lost in a land of optic blasts and mongoose-velocity,(7) "all we need is some sort of traumatic and/or dramatic event to trigger them…ah HA!" She pointed, triumphantly, through the store window. "Behold! A robbery!"

"A what?!" She looked and saw a green-cloaked man pointing a gun at the cashier. "Holy…police! Help! Help!"

"No time for that, old chum!" cried Tomo.

"Are you nuts?! W-wait, what are you — leggo of me!" she stammered, as Tomo half-dragged, half-threw her into the store.

"Villains afoot! Crimes to thwart! _Team Takino, GO!_"

"Wait, you idiot! That's — "

The next few moments were…eventful. There were explosions, lasers, hurting, breaking, bashing, trashing, and an unexpected guest-appearance that you'd never see coming.

None of this was particularly of relevance to Yomi, as she was too busy running pell-mell in the general direction of away with Tomo clutched securely under her arm. Had there been any American football scouts nearby, they would have surely drafted her on the spot after seeing her anaconda-like grip on Miss Takino's waist.(8)

For her part, Tomo was giving Yomi the thrashing of a lifetime. "Yomi! What are you — gah, stop already! Halt! Ragh!"

"Running (huff!) away (puff!), you fool! Stop struggling! Oof!" One of Tomo's spastic shoe-kicks found its mark. The two of them crashed to a halt into a magazine rack. "Ow! Darn it, Tomo, what was that for!?"

Tomo sprang to her feet. "What was — s'cuse me for a sec," and here she flipped a copy of _Shojou Beatings_ off her head, "what was _THAT_ for?!" she finished, with a wave behind her. "We had him on the ropes!"

"On the…Tomo, that was _DOCTOR DOOM! _Dictator! Madman! World's most notorious super-villain!"

"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know that?"

Yomi twitched, momentarily overwhelmed with rage. "The cape! The iron mask! 'Richaaards!'"

"Pah!" said Tomo, dismissively. "It was totally a Doom-bot."

"Like hell it was!" A few police cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck wailed past. "If Squirrel Girl(9) hadn't shown up we would have been killed!" _And what in blazes were both of them doing in Japan?_ she wondered.(10)

"Darn it, Yomi!" said Tomo, with a stomp of her foot, "I could _feel_ it! I was _this_ close to getting laser thighs or something there, and you had to ruin it!"

"Ruin…?! Argh! You…you…you insufferable idiot! You lunatic! You —"

"You what?" spat Tomo, going nose-to-nose with her. "C'mon, Miss Smarty-Pants, lay it on me! Heap it up! I'm crazy, huh? Well, so is the whole world lately, if you haven't noticed! Except unlike some people I actually tried to go with the flow instead of freaking out over every little thing!"

"Tomo," said Yomi, her head throbbing, "knock it off! You're making me angry! You don't want to see me angry!"

"Ooooh, I'm sooo scared!" cooed Tomo. "What'cha gonna do, rocket-punch me?"

The headache was _really_ bad now. Blood vessels bulged against the back of Yomi's eyeballs, her breath came in tight little gasps, and her skin felt fit to burst. "Tomo…" she hissed. "Knock…it…off…!"

"C'mon, lay it on me," wheedled Tomo, sticking her chin out, "show me what you got!" Then, with a smirk, she leaned in to deliver her killing blow. "_Fatty_."

"_Damn it, TomoooaaaaRRGH!_" She wound up and gave her a wicked uppercut to the jaw.

The sound was like a fish meeting a board at Mach 2. _Huh_, thought Yomi, through the red mist of rage, _I barely felt that_._ But why does my chest feel so tight?_ "Take THAT, you…uh…"

Slowly, like a distant aeroplane soaring gently through the sky, she realized that Tomo was no longer here. Nor, she noticed, was she laid flat on the ground for the ten-count as was usual after such punches. Instead, Tomo was approximately two — no, three — blocks away, flying through the air like, well, a distant aeroplane soaring gently through the sky. Except that Yomi, naturally, had some doubts as to whether Tomo could stick the landing.

"Oh…no. Tomo!" Yomi, horrified at her actions, leaped after Tomo, hoping desperately to catch her before she hit the —

_Wait a minute_, she thought. _'Leaped?'_

Wind and skyscraper whistled past. She looked down. A passing pigeon gave her a strange look.

"Aaagh!" she said. "Agh, aagh, aaahhhaahgh!" she added, for variety.

Fortunately, the ground broke her fall.

Well, it certainly _broke_, anyway. Loudly.

Coughing from pulverized sidewalk, Yomi crawled painfully from the impressive pothole she'd added to the neighbourhood street thinking of many things. Like inertia, and how it usually splats things dropped from a hundred-meters up, and of violence, which she intended to inflict on whatever genius thought to make the ground so blasted hard, and of the world in general, which, for some reason, seemed to her to deserve a darn good smashing.

A summary was in order, she thought. "_RaaaAARGHAaAAARGH!_" _That'll do_, she thought.

She struggled to get a hold of herself. _So hard…to think! This…rage! Where come from? Make Yomi — I mean, me — want smash! Why heart so loud? Why grammar bad speak?_

She took a look at herself. "WHY YOMI GREEN?!" she roared. _And where'd all this muscle come from!? Not that I'm complaining, but…no, wait, I'm a mega-muscled monstrosity, yes I am._ "ARGH!"

"Oi," came a faint voice from the ground, "keep it down. Gotta headache."

"TOM — Tomo?" She took a few weighty steps towards her fallen friend, who was splayed across the sidewalk.

Well, _sprayed_ may be more accurate.

"T-Tomo…" she choked. "No…"

Tomo was most certainly dead. No human could possibly have survived a punch like that, Yomi thought, or the landing. Now, her best friend (_Enemy_, she corrected herself) lay before her, literally flattened upon the sidewalk by the landing, her back, neck and head draped grotesquely over a park bench like a Salvador-Dali doll in repose.

She fell to her knees, horrified. "No!" she wept. "Why? Why did this happen!" The pavement snapped beneath anguished fists. "Why?! WHY?!"

"Jeebus t' Betsy, Yomi, knock it off!" said the voice of Tomo.

"Huh?" Yomi dried her eyes on her shirt (which was now, she noticed, ripped in a suggestive yet tasteful manner) and looked up.

And screamed.

"What?" said Tomo, the Living Pancake.

"Huhbul…homina…GAH!" replied Yomi.

"What, what?!" said Tomo, irritated. "Oh, this?" She waved a floppy hand. Yomi nodded, numb. "Oh. Sorry. Gimmie a sec, here." A few grunts and contortions later, and she was back to her regular self.

Yomi was not. "Wha…who…blah?"

"Geeze, Yomi," said Tomo, swaying slightly, "look at you…all, uh, three of you…what, never saw a girl stretch herself before?"

"Of course not, puny hu — I mean, idiot!"

"What? Seriously? You've never tried it? I thought an experienced girl like you would've —"

Yomi grabbed her by the shoulders, remembering at the last second to do it gently as she seemed to have acquired titanic strength in the last few minutes. "Tomo! Japanese girls do NOT turn into PANCAKES!"

Tomo blinked. "Huh? Seriously?"

"Yes!"

"Uh, can they do this?" She twisted her arm into a pretzel.

"No!"

She was stunned. "But…Mama said this happens to all girls at my age…"

"That's puberty, you idiot!"

"Oh." She looked disappointed.

"And what do you mean, 'experienced'?" she added, suspicious.

"Nothing," said Tomo, waving the matter aside. "Hey, wait a minute, something's different about you."

"How could you possibly not notice up until this point!?"

"I was kinda seein' triple up until now, y'know," she replied. "But hey, look at you! Super strong, super tough…you're a super hero! Right on!"

"No I'm not! I'm some sort of monstrous, hulking, swamp-coloured thing!"

"Sheesh, pick a code name and stick with it, will yah?" she quipped.

"What!?"

"Y'know? 'Hulking,' 'Swamp' — "

"Tomo!" snapped Yomi. "Life is not a comic book!"(11)

"Then _why_ are you suddenly now such an incredible bulk then, eh?" she replied, with devastating logic.

Yomi collapsed. "What is going on?!" she whined.

Tomo draped an arm around her. Literally. "Don't worry, Yomikins. You've just been granted powers. Fantabulous powers, far beyond that of mortal ken!" She blinked as her hand met something. "And you also seem to be totally racked."

"Tomo, I would smack you right now if doing so wouldn't send you into orbit. How are you still alive, anyway?"

"Oh, that?" said Tomo, casually. "I saw it coming, so I went limp to take the punch. Y'know, like this?" She waggled a hand. "It's a trick Pops taught me from his days as Battlin' Takky Takino."

"You…you mean…"

"Yeah, it runs in the family. So does this birthmark I got on my butt, haw!"

Yomi smiled, just a bit. "But what am I going to do about this?" she said, indicating her earth-shaking self. "Or my gym clothes, they're ruined!"

"Actually, you don't look half as big as you were a minute ago," observed Tomo. "Maybe it's emotional?"

"Hey! Guys!" cried a voice rounding the corner.

"Kagura?" said Tomo.

It was, riding a mountain bike at speed. She skidded to a halt next to her. "You guys okay?" she asked. "Woah! Yomi! You're all green!"

"I'm aware of that," she growled.

"Yeah, she's got super-strength and stuff!" said Tomo.

"Really? Sweet! And that stretchy thing you're doin'?"

"Uh, I think that's hereditary."

"Oh," said Kagura. "Sweet!"

"How can you be so relaxed at a time like this?" said Yomi.

She shrugged. "Heck, this day can't get any weirder, can it? One minute there's this flash of light, the next I'm in my own room. I figured I better find everyone, so I hopped on my bike and off I went."

"What, just at random?"

"Hey, it worked, didn't it? Soon as I saw Tomo flying through the air (that was AWESOME, by the way) I came over here. So, uh, where's everyone else?"

"I…I'd completely forgotten about everyone else," Yomi realized.

"You've had a long day," said Tomo, patting her on the head.

"But where would we start?" said Yomi, rubbing her chin. "It looks like that light could have sent the others anywhere. Or done…anything…to them…"

"Uh, I think I found Osaka," said Tomo, pointing skyward.

Osaka, decked out in a Technicolor dream-coat and gliding on some sort of eldritch plasma umbrella, touched down on a nearby telephone pole like a really groovy Mary Poppins. "Guys! Oh man, I'm glad I found you!"

"Osaka," asked Kagura, "why are you flying?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm all magical and stuff."

"Oh. Sweet!"

Yomi was less understanding. "And you never told us?" she asked, incredulously.

"Y'never asked," replied Osaka.

"I give up," she sighed.

"No time for that, Yomi!" cried Osaka. "Numbnuts assemble!"

"Whom are you calling a numbnut!?" she growled. _Rip_, went her shirt. "Damn it!"

"Chiyo and Miss Sakaki are in big trouble!" she continued. "There's ninjas and robots and bad bad men and everything, and they got them cornered!"

"What?!" _No, not Chiyo!_ she thought. "Where!? Where stupid people hurt Yomi's friends!?"

"Uh? Um, about a block over that way?" she said, pointing.

"Raargh!" The Green Giantess leapt skywards. Moments later, there was a tremendous crash a few blocks away, followed by screams, gunfire, and, yes, lasers.

Osaka cringed. "Uh, we better, uh, go after her."

"Uh, right, right," said Kagura, mounting her bike.

"YEAH!" cried Tomo, leaping on her back. "GO, GO, TAKINO RANGERS!"

"You can walk, darn it!"

**(Footnotes)**

1. A reasonably popular two-level anime/manga/cosplay shop staffed by an ex-idol singer and a spineless blonde foreigner that was recently featured in the popular webcomic _Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale_.

2. Tomo is referring to the distinctive smell left behind by everyone's favourite teleporter, Nightcrawler. It's probably gas.

3. Remarkably, Tomo was referring to the exact same store that contained Yukari's pre-ordered copy of _Street Fighter_ prior to its obliteration by giant monster. (This is a flashback, remember?) It has the worst luck, it seems. Tomo would have been horrified to learn she and her teacher shopped at the same stores.

4. If you understand the significance of these names, I salute you. As a hint, these two reporters confronted the Kingpin of crime during the DC/Marvel crossover comics, and both work with mild-mannered reporters.

5. Particularly the Noodle Incident. They still haven't found the dog.

6. Joke stolen from somewhere. Call Interpol.

7. Smilin' Stan says that The Whizzer, an early Marvel Comics hero, gained his power of super-speed after his dad inexplicably gave him the blood of a mongoose. I'm serious. Don't make me break out The Living Eraser.

8. Yes, she was a woman, but the AFL was an Equal Opportunity Employer.

9. Greatest hero in the universe, and don't you forget it.

10. Read Stupendous Squirrel Girl 197 to find out, true believer!

11. This was an ironic statement, as Yomi would have realized had she been thinking straight, as 'comic books' were in fact remarkably accurate artistic interpretations of historical events in her universe. Indeed, Ed Brubaker's History of the Second World War had recently become a bestseller, and graced a full shelf of her personal library.


	9. Bang! Zoom!

**Chapter 9: Bang! Zoom! To the…**

Sakaki could feel the noise.

It was everywhere, and she could not escape it. A blazing building in Shinjuku… a drowning child in Wakayama…a hundred terrified passengers aboard Tokyo Air Flight 117, plummeting into Tokyo Bay — their panicked cries stabbed her ear, rattled her skull and froze her heart. _I have to help them!_ she thought.

And then she realized _she_ was everywhere, too. She saw the flames of the tenement flicker and die as she flashed past, dashing them with the speed of her flight. She felt the stinging salt water in her eyes as she dove into the sea, only to flip porpoise-like out again with confused little girl pressed against her chest. She could smell the fear of the passengers, the smoke from the engines, even the beer on the pilot's lips as she teleported the airliner onto solid ground.

It was not enough. Still the cries came from all corners of the nation, from troubled souls begging, pleading desperately for someone to free them from their pain, fear, and sorrow. And try as she might, she could not get to them all in time. _I…I'm sorry!_ she cried. _I can't help you all! I can't!_ Golden tears streamed from her eyes as she hurtled through the stratosphere at the speed of sound. _It's too much! Too much! I can't!_ She shut her eyes tight. _Got to get away! AWAY!_

Then, with the crash of a million colliding suns, there was silence. All around was darkness.

There was a light. It was Sakaki.

She opened her eyes a crack. A grey field of ash, stone sand lay before her. Rough-hewn craters and craggy stones marred the lifeless desert. And above them…blackness, and the stars. _No, not just stars_, she realized. There before her, wreathed in silken clouds and azure robes, was the Earth itself. Australia ambled slowly by, with Japan tagging along for the ride.

Her eyes shone with fear and wonder. "The…the Earth?" she whispered. "But…how?" One look at her hands wreathed crackling light and she knew the answer.

She looked around, slowly. A few paces away stood an American flag. Several studio lamps and a sun-drenched director's chair were positioned around it. Spray-painted on a nearby rock face was the legend, "Black Bolt Wuz Here."

"This is…the moon?" She couldn't believe it. Questions tumbled through her head. What had happened? Why was she here? A small part of her wondered why she hadn't died of asphyxiation yet before it was told, politely but firmly, by the rest of her that such matters were trivial compared to the fact that she was on the freakin' moon_._

She sat down. A plume of moon-dust tickled her nose. It smelled faintly of cheese. _The voices_, she realized. _They're gone_. She hugged her knees close. _It's so quiet here._

And so, the Lady of Light rested there in the depths of space, alone with her thoughts.(1)

***

Chiyo, too, was alone, but nowhere near as collected.

"Miss Sakaki!" she yelled. "Miss Yomi! Miss Kagura! Oh no, oh no, oh dear, oh dear, oh, oh, oh…_sugar muffins!_ This has all gone wrong!" She collapsed on a park bench and cried for a bit, making a mental note to wash her mouth out with soap later. "What have I done to you, Miss Sakaki?" she sniffed.

_What _did_ I do?_ she wondered. She wiped her tears and forced herself to think. _It looked like some sort of auto-incandescent quantum detonation, but how could __eleutherococcus senticosus and vitamin B cause that? An allergic reaction, maybe?_ "And why am I thinking about ingredients at a time like this?!" she wailed.

"Chiyo!" said a voice from on high.

"Miss Osaka?"

Osaka swooped in for a landing, dragged by her wind-borne umbrella, and skidded to a halt next to her. "You, uh, still okay, Chiyo?" she asked.

"Yes, but where is everyone else? Where's Miss Sakaki?! And, um, why were you —"

"Dunno, sorta know, and Winds of Watoomb," she replied, waving the last question aside. "Man, I'm glad that '_Find Greater Pigtails_' spell worked."

"Miss Osaka, I know we have more important things to worry about now, but I get the feeling you're trying to avoid telling me something," said Chiyo, with a nod to the perfectly paranormal parasol.

"Eh heh," said Osaka, embarrassed. "Actually, I was gonna let Steve handle the explainin', since I don't get it all myself."

"'Steve'?"

She nodded. "Here," she said, plucking an object from thin air, "he's on the line for you." She passed her an unusual phone.

"Miss Osaka? This is a banana."

She nodded, smartly. "It's a phone with appeal."(2)

Chiyo almost questioned the logic of that statement, but stopped herself after she got the pun and remembered that there were some things Chiyo-kind was not meant to know.(3) "Um, hello?" she said, holding the fruit to her ear.

"_Is this Chiyo Mihama?_" asked a soft, cultured voice.

"Um, yes, yes it is. How are you speaking through a banana? Is this one of those new Nokia Fruit —"

"_There are more things in heaven and earth, Miss Mihama, that are dreamt of in your TASTE ELDRICH BOLTS, MINDLESS ONE!_"

"Aah!" squealed Chiyo. "Sir? Ma'am? Sir? What's going on?"

After a few distant explosions and soulless roars, the voice returned. "_Sorry, I'm multitasking right now. Let's just say 'magic' and leave it at that, shall we?_"

"Magic? Oh! Like pulling the rabbit out of the hat?"

"Yeah," said Osaka, who was apparently listening in on the conversation via floating cantaloupe, "'cept less rabbit and more shoggoth."

"Shog — never mind. Who are you, sir?"

"_I am Doctor Stephen Strange, master of the mystic arts, Sorcerer Supreme of the universe, and — BACK, shade of Sattanish! — magical instructor to the one you know as Ayumu Kasuga._"

"Ayumu…you mean Miss Osaka?" _And is that a cantaloupe?_ she wondered.

"Magical girl in a material world, yo!" said Osaka, giving a thumbs-up.

"_Are you — MAGIC MISSILE! — surprised?_" asked Strange.

"Actually, this explains a lot," said Chiyo, after some thought. "But please, Mister Strange, Miss Osaka said you could explain things. Where's Miss Sakaki? Is she okay?"

"_Hmm,_" he demurred, whilst apparently blasting some foul creature with greased lightning, "_both simple, yet difficult questions for one to answer in a short time. I will need to examine her personally for a complete diagnosis, but from Ayumu's description of events, I believe it's reasonable to assume your friend has spontaneously developed psychic powers on an unimaginable scale, and can now sense dangerous and unfortunate happenings around the world, or possibly Japan._"

"Oh no," she moaned. _I'll never mess with Gatorade again_, she thought.

"_Not to worry, she'll probably get a scholarship from the X-Men if I'm right. I will need you, Miss Mihama, to keep her from knocking over too many buildings until I arrive._"

"I'll do my best!" said Chiyo, too distraught to realize the implications of that statement. "But where is she, Mister Strange?"

"_The moon, I think._"

"The moon?!"

"_DIN'S FIRE! Yes, the Sea of Tranquillity, to be precise. Ayumu, be a dear and take her there, would you?_"

"Eh?!" Osaka nearly dropped her fruity-phone. "B-but how the heck am ah supposed t' do that, huh?!"

"_Oh, use your power of love and friendship or something. I'll be along shortly. Iä! Shub-Niggurath!_" The line went dead.

Sheepishly, Osaka took the banana from Chiyo's unresisting hand and placed it on the cantaloupe with a click. "_Thank you for choosing Watoomb's Wireless!_" it chirped, before transforming into a pigeon and flying away. "He, ah, he's a little weird sometimes," she said.

Chiyo moaned. "Oh…vanishing fruit, magical girls, space Sakakis…this is all too much!"

"Yeah, and it's only Thursday," said Osaka, slumping next to her.

"And it's all…all my fault," she sniffed.

"That can't be true, Chiyo! You wouldn't ever hurt any of us!"

"But…"

"And we got bigger things to worry about, right?"

"R-right," she said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. "Like helping Miss Sakaki, right!"

"I, uh, was more thinkin' 'bout how we're gonna get into orbit and all." said Osaka.

"Oh." She pondered this. "Um, love and friendship, maybe?"

"That's it!" cried Osaka. "If we put our heart's 'n soul into it, we can go anywhere!"

"Miss Osaka, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I think we need more than good intentions to achieve escape velocity."

"Nah nah, I mean astral projection," she said, standing. "If we separate our spirits from our bodies, we can travel at the speed of thought, which is really fast, y'know?"

"Okay! Let's do it!"

"Let's go!" cried Osaka, umbrella raised high.

"Yeah!"

"Thing is…"

"Yes?"

"I uh, don't know how t'do it."

"Oh." Chiyo sagged. "That _is_ a problem."

"Hmmm," frowned Osaka. "Maybe if I…" She whacked herself on the head with her umbrella. "Ow!"

Chiyo sighed. "Miss Osaka, I don't think that's going to work."

"Nah, s'all good, I (whack!) feel mah spirit (whock!) discombobulating (crack!) already…ooh, stars…" She slopped, boneless, to the ground.

"Miss Osaka!" cried Chiyo, shaking her. "Oh dear, I hope she's not hurt or any "

"Success!" said the glowing ghost of Osaka, leaping from her mortal shell.

"WAUGH!"

Osaka cheered, and did a little levitating spin. "Man, I feel so light-headed…"

"That's because your head is transparent…" whimpered Chiyo.

"Ah, that makes sense," she said. "Okay, now I'll do you."

"W-wait! Agha!" The phantom umbrella went snicker-snack, and Chiyo's body went tumbling back, leaving her soul still standing. "Oh, that was scary!" she said.

"And now…to space!"

"Wait, wait!" said Chiyo. "What about our bodies? Will they be okay?" _And do I really look that annoying cute?_ she wondered, upon seeing herself sprawled on the pavement.

"Yeah, they'll be fine," said Osaka, apparently prepping her umbrella for space-travel. "Probably."

"I guess we don't really have a choice, do we?" she asked. Osaka shook her head. "Then let's go."

Osaka nodded, held her umbrella (which looked remarkably like a magician's staff, on closer examination) before her, and muttered a few syllables under her breath. A light fantastic sparked from its tip, then raced along the fabric as zephyr flames. "Ready?" she asked. Chiyo nodded. She grabbed her wrist (_How can I still feel my wrist?_ wondered Chiyo), spun the parasol at her side so fast that it became a whirlpool of light, and let fly. It popped open with a soft _foomp_, caught an otherworldly wind and yanked sorceress and student into the wild blue yonder.

"Oh my!" said Chiyo. "Oh my, oh my, oh…actually, this isn't half as frightening as I thought it would be…" _Probably because my adrenal glands are a hundred metres away,_ she thought. The streets and skyscrapers of downtown Tokyo fell away. Clouds and surprised birds whipped past and through her, leaving a cool mint sensation in their wake. _Was that an albatross?_ she wondered.(4)

"Ah think that's it!" said Osaka, shouting over the wind. The great grey moon loomed large ahead of them, eclipsing the stars.

"Yes," agreed Chiyo, "but why are we shouting over the wind in space? I mean, there's the solar wind, sure, but the particle density —"

"Magic, Chiyo. Don't think too hard about it, eh?"

"Oh, right."

"Just think about what we're gonna say to Sakaki. And, uh, think fast, since we're gonna land in about five seconds."

"Huh?"

"And by 'land,' I mean 'crash,' since I don't think there's brakes on this thing."

"What?!"

"Eh heh," said Osaka, embarrassed. "Uh, feel free t' start screamin'."

***

Amidst the grey wastes, a newborn star tried to figure out her place in the universe.

_What…am I?_ thought Sakaki. _Am I a mutant? A…magical girl?_ She briefly tried to imagine herself as a wand-waving princess from fairyland, but shook the thought away. _Not even in my dreams_, she sighed.

She thought back. It had all happened so fast, she reflected. One moment she was at school, and the next she was…everywhere. Wherever the pain of others pulled her heart-strings, she was there, and, somehow, knew exactly what to do. All she had to do was think, "Help them," and her body had done the rest. _Instinct_, she thought, _like catching a softball, or, uh, a jet liner. Yes. That explains it._

She hung her head. _No it doesn't_. _Where did this power come from?_ _How did I do all that?_

Her ears perked suddenly. "And what _is_ that noise?"

It was very faint, just on the edge of her now seemingly superhuman hearing: a sort of long, drawn-out, terrified scream, rising in pitch and volume as it hurtled down from above, that, now that she thought about it, sounded a lot like — "Chiyo?"

The Soul-Train from Osaka hurtled into station precisely on schedule at just under the speed of thought. A flaming parasol, a bemused transparent sorceress and a horrified pig-tailed 12-year old whipped passed Sakaki and disappeared into the ground, leaving nary a wisp of dust out of place.

She leapt back, shocked. "What the?!"

Seconds later, the Lunar Express roared straight up from the soil, did a few loop-de-loops and rocketed around Sakaki a few times before executing a perfect J-turn in front of her, stopping with an audible "ERT!"

"Ouch!" said Chiyo, as she bounced through some rocks.

"Doof!" replied Osaka, now head-first in the sand.

"That was scary!" Chiyo quavered. "I, I could feel the rocks in my brain!"

"Now arrivin' at Sea o' Tranquility," said Osaka, her voice muffled. "Next stop, Rigel IV."

"Chiyo?" said Sakaki. "Osaka?"

"Miss Sakaki!" cried Chiyo, all fear instantly forgotten. She went for a flying tackle-hug. "Whoa!" she said, as she phased right through her, rolling few times on the ground. "Oh, my rumpus…"

"Chiyo?" Sakaki got her first good look at her. "You…you're glowing, and…see-through…ah! You're both ghosts!" she gasped, horrified.

"No no, Miss Sakaki, we're okay!" cried Chiyo. "We're alive and safe, and so is everyone else, I think!"

"Yeah," said Osaka, shouldering her still-flaming umbrella, "this is all astral projection and stuff."

"'Astral'?" asked Sakaki.

"Best not to think about it," said Chiyo. "The important thing is that you're okay, too, Miss Sakaki, so now we can all go home."

"'Home'?"

"Yes! Back to Japan, just up…oh my, is that the Earth?"

"I can't go back," she said, levelly.

"B-but everyone's worried about you!" pleaded Chiyo. "And we've found a strange doctor man who can help you!"

"I _can't_, Chiyo!"

"But…Miss Sakaki…"

Sakaki sat down again. "I can't face the world again, Chiyo. Not like this."

"'Not like'…Miss Sakaki, there's nothing wrong with how you look. You're beautiful."

Osaka nodded. "Like a walkin' supernova."

"No, it's not that," she replied. "It's…these powers. I can't control them. I can hear…everyone, I think, or at least the ones that are scared. I want to help them, and I can. I think it…no, I feel it, and it happens. But I can't stop it. The fear, the terror, it builds and builds, and my body moves faster and faster until it's doing things before I can stop it. Like what it did to you."

"But we're okay, Miss Sakaki," Chiyo reassured her. "Nothing happened. Well, aside from teleportation, but —"

"_This_ time," she replied, sharply. "This time. But what about the next? What if I send you to Atlantis or the Earth's core or something?"

"You'd never do that, Miss Sakaki, that's not like you!"

"But _I'm _not like me anymore!" she said, distraught. "I'm, I don't know, some sort of living lightning or something."

"I think he's Latino, actually," said Osaka.

"I don't know what I can do," she continued, ignoring her, "what I will do to my friends, my family, everyone." " She drew her knees close. "If I stay here," she said, quietly, "away from everyone, you'll all be safe."

Chiyo stepped back, stunned, and not just because this was the longest string of sentences that she'd ever heard from the normally reserved Sakaki. "But, Miss Sakaki…how will we ever feel safe knowing you're not around?"

She raised her head, surprised. "What?"

"You'll be all alone up here," she continued. "We won't know if you're happy or sad, alive or dead. We'll worry about you all the time. We…_I'm_ afraid for you, Miss Sakaki. So please, come back with me? I'll do whatever it takes to help you, I swear it!" Seeing a flicker of doubt in Sakaki's eyes, she added, "If you don't, I'll cry. A lot."

Sakaki considered this devastating threat. "It…it will really be okay?"

"Yes!" said Chiyo, determined. "I'll stake my life on it!"

"But the voices…it might happen again."

"Maybe if you tried to focus your attention on somethin'?" said Osaka. "Like, y'know, a tomato or something?"

"Focus on Miss Osaka and I," suggested Chiyo. "Just ignore everything else. We'll keep you safe, I swear!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" she said, looking her right into her flame-ringed eyes.

After a long, tense moment, Sakaki nodded, once. "Okay," she whispered.

"Thank goodness," said Chiyo.

"Phew!" said Osaka. "Ah was holdin' mah breath an' I don't have lungs or nothin'!"

"Please don't remind me of that," said Sakaki.

"Sorry."

**(Footnotes)**

1. Savvy comic fans will point out that the Watcher, the Inhumans, and quite probably those moon kitties from The Dream of Unknown Kadeth were all also on the moon with Sakaki at this point, meaning she was anything but alone. They can shut up, although Sakaki would probably like the moon kitties.

2. Look up "Osakaphone" if you don't get it.

3. Like how Yukari "Red Means GO!" Tanazaki still had a driver's license, or why rutabagas didn't come in orange.

4. A note from Uatu, the Watcher: Actually, it was Alber the Albatross-Man, who, upon feeling the chilling caress of Chiyo's phantom pigtails passing through his chest, was so scared out of his wits that he called off his first foray in transcontinental robbery, flew straight home, mailed his flight suit back to Adrian "The Vulture" Toomes and joined the priesthood. As a result, he _did not_ distract the Fantastic Four at a crucial moment during their upcoming battle with Annihilus in the Negative Zone, which would have caused the death of Reed Richards and the ascension of Victor Von Doom to the top of the pop charts with his hit new single, "Straight Out of Latveria." It is moments such as these that every Watcher lives for.


	10. Azuvengers Assemble!

**Chapter 10: Azuvengers Assemble!**

It was a slow, strange journey back to Earth for Chiyo. For an eternity, it seemed, she drifted down from the heavens, urging and encouraging the celestial Sakaki to follow her every inch of the way.(1) And every inch was a league for her, Chiyo could see, as the crushing weight of the world's sorrows closed around her as they dropped into the depths of the human sea.

Chiyo settled into her body. It felt a lot like putting on a wool sweater in a dry room, she thought, or having pins-and-needles from head to toe. "Ooh, my head…" she moaned.

"Y'all right, Sakaki?" asked Osaka, who also looked a bit woozy. "You look like one of them headache commercials."(2)

"So…loud here," she said, with difficulty. "Hard to…think…or hear you. So much pain…and fear…"

"Don't worry Miss Sakaki!" panicked Chiyo. "We'll get through this!"

"You're…not helping…"

"Ah. Right." She shuffled over to Osaka. "Please say Mister Strange will get here soon?" she whispered.

"I dunno," said Osaka, fiddling with the Distinguished Dictaphone of Del-Monte (the banana), "all I'm getting is a voicemail. 'Please leave a message after the syzygy.'"

Chiyo whimpered. "I, I'm sure he's on his way. Positive." She saw something in the sky. "Ah! There he is!"

Osaka looked, and gasped. "Look out!"

A bullet-ridden flaming rocket-car roared past, skipped off the asphalt and exploded messily against a nearby apartment building. A man flumped to the ground before them seconds later and was instantly engulfed by his parachute. "Mhh mrrrha!" he said, fist raised in triumph. "Mroo mrot mroo…ack!" He fought himself free. "Mwah ha!"

"Professor Erskine?!" gasped Chiyo.

"You thought you could escape me, my little test subject," he cackled, "but you failed to account for the homing nanobots you consumed at lunchtime!"

"And TV news!" squeaked Mr. Beaver.

"What? But I was sure my Super-Safe-Tee chopsticks would detect any — wait a minute, nanobots?"

"No, not you!" he snapped. "That one over there! Student number 227, Ayumu Kasuga!"

"Huh?" said Osaka. "No way! I had fish!"

"With shrimp," added Mr. Beaver, appearing beside her.

"Waugh!" she said.

"Ah, but little did you know that I spiked the drink that brat Mihama gave you with my super-secret super-soldier serum!" cackled Erskine.

"Try sayin' that three times fast!" added Mr. Beaver, who was once more on his hand.

"Drink?" Chiyo gasped. _My energy drink!_ "And I am not a brat!"

"Even now, it is restructuring your DNA making you faster, stronger, better than you were before!"

"But I didn't drink nothing," said Osaka. "I gave it to Miss Sakaki."

Erskine recoiled in horror. "What!? You fool! It was specifically calibrated for your genetic structure! It's useless in anyone else! Argh!"

"Then why did this…?" asked Sakaki, ablaze with flares coronal.

"Why did what? Holy Heisenberg! What happened to you!?"

"That's the Sakaki character!" Mr. Beaver explained. "You really should learn your student's names."

"Silence, infidel!" he cried, as he slapped Mr. Beaver. "Ow! My hand! But…this is fantastic! Spontaneous energy generation! Flight! Teleportation! I'm even more brilliant than I thought! Mwah ha ha!"

"Uh, Professor, wasn't it supposed to grant supah-dancing-powah instead?" asked Mr. Beaver. "Ow!" he said, after another slap.

"Who needs killer moves when you can blast your opponents into space!" he cried.(3) "Come forth, my hidden HYDRAs!"

A black van with the words "Goons" stencilled on the door-panels squealed to a halt next to him. A squad of heavily armed storm troopers with Cobra-esque helmets and green jumpsuits piled out of the back, making threatening gestures. One of them dragged an unusually short trooper kicking and screaming out of the van moments later. "Get out there, you!" he growled.

"No! No!" wailed the trooper, in a girlish voice. "This is nuts! I didn't agree to this!"

"That voice sounds familiar…" said Osaka.

The professor sighed. "What does it _take_ to get competent minions in this town? Never mind. HYDRA soldiers! Seize them at once!"

"Yes sir!" they cried. "Hail HYDRA! Immortal —"

"Shut up and seize them already!" roared Erskine. Dangerously impractical energy weapons hissed to life as the troops took aim at the young girls.(4)

"Waugh!" cried Osaka. "Guns! With bullets an' everythin'!"

"Actually, I think they're coherent plasma pulses!" quavered Chiyo.

Sakaki flinched, struck by a wave of fear. "Aah!"

"Miss Sakaki!" Chiyo cried. "Please stay calm!"

"M-m-Miss Sakaki?!" stammered the short trooper. "Chiyo? Osaka?!"

"What are you waiting for!?" shouted Erskine. "Shoot them!"

"Yeah yeah!" added Mr. Beaver. "Zappy zappy!"

"STOP!" bellowed a distant, running voice.

"See?" shouted Erskine. "Now some super-hero's shown up and — oh, it's Chihiro."

"Chihiro?" said Chiyo.

"Chihiro?!" squeaked the trooper.

The aforementioned student stumbled into the hostage situation seconds later, out of breath. "Professor Erskine!" she wheezed, waving a suspiciously laser-gun-like pencil case in the air, "you are under (gasp!) arrest, on my authority as an agent of (wheeze!) S.H.I.E.L.D.!" She took a second to catch her breath, took aim, and recoiled in horror. "Ah?! HYDRA agents! I'm doo-hoo-hoomed!"

"Bah!" scoffed Erskine. "You've foiled my plans for the last time, agent! HYDRAs! Destroy her!"

The short one flinched. "What? No!" she said. "This is nuts! This is stupid! I'm not (oomph!) doing this anymore!" She wrenched off her helmet.

"Hey," said Osaka, "isn't that —"

"Kaorin!?" gasped Chihiro.(5) "You've joined HYDRA?!"

"How was I supposed to know that the astronomy club was a front for a terrorist organization!" she wailed.

"But that makes us enemies…so now, we must fight!"

"But I don't want to hurt you or Miss Sakaki!" she gasped.

"Then surrender! Renounce your dark ways and return to the light!" said Chihiro, secretly quoting the S.H.I.E.L.D. training manual.

"Um, what's going on?" asked Chiyo.

"Ah think the plot jumped the rails," explained Osaka.

"I quit!" said Kaorin, tossing her rifle to the ground. "And I'm _keeping_ the complimentary star chart, Ogawa!" she said, shouting at the guy next to her.(6) "Chihiro!" she cried, running to her.

"Kaorin!" They embraced.

The remaining troopers exchanged embarrassed looks. "Uh, can we quit too?" asked one of them.

"No!" shouted Erskine, stomping his feet. "Make with the shooting!"

"You shall do nothing!" said a voice on the wind. Smoke bombs burst in the air, sending everyone into a fit of coughing. When it cleared, half the park was full of pyjama-wearing men with katanas.

"Oh no!" gasped Chiyo. "Ninjas!"

"These girls are now the property of The Hand!" hissed one of them.(7)

"Lousy ninjas!" growled Erskine. "Curse you, Japan, and your ubiquitous pop-culture icons!"

A dramatic spotlight (yes, in the bright of afternoon) highlighted a group of _kunoichi _wielding electric guitars on the street corner. "Not if we have anything to say about it!" cried the bass-guitarist, striking a killer chord.

"Oh no!" gasped Chiyo. "_Rock_ ninjas! And I can't believe I just said that!"

"Freeze!" said some men in black. "MiB!"

"Prepaere yehselves, heathens!" growled an Irish preacher, brandishing a ridiculous number of bayonets.

"EX-TER-MIN-NATE!" buzzed some ambulatory trash cans. "EX-TER-MIN-NATE!"

Sakaki , now glowing like a furnace, gasped in horror. "No! Daleks!? Not Daleks! No! _Nooo!_" She collapsed like a neutron star.

Chiyo panicked. "Oh no! Miss Sakaki!" She ran to her, but was repulsed by the incredible heat. We've got to get out of here!" she cried, spying some horrible creatures piling out of a sewer grate.(8)

"Run for it!" cried Chihiro, wild-eyed. "I'll cover you!" _Click click_, went the pencil case. "Uh…"

"Miss Osaka! Do something!"

"Ah? Oh, yeah, right!" She brandished her umbrella. "Magical Minty Kasuga-Chan Make Up!" A shower of sparkles and groovy flowers later, and she had a funky cloak, an otherworldly umbrella (now held like a staff) and a fetching witch-hat. "C-cower now, mortals, for you face a, uh, mistress of the mystic arts!" She posed. Leaves and dirt swirled around her, and the ninjas fell back as the air crackled with power. "And by the Winds of Watoomb, I shall vanquish me! No, wait! I mean 'thee'!" Too late — the spell clicked, and a tremendous blast of wind hurled Osaka into sky.

"Miss Osaka, come back!" cried Chiyo, watching her friend speed into the stratosphere. A small witch hat flopped on her face. "Mff."

The assembled forces of evil loomed ominously. Triggers itched, grips tightened, and an electric guitar wailed through the opening bars of Metallica's _Enter Sandman_.

Chiyo backed away. "Um, um, if you hurt me, my parents will get really mad, and they have particle weapons!"

Erskine took a look around, shrugged. "Ah screw it," he said, slinging an atomic death ray from behind his back. "Kill 'em all and let Nietzsche sort it out."

"Armageddon!" cried Mr. Beaver, wielding a Tommy-gun.

And with that squeaky battle-cry, the war was on. Not since last Tuesday had Tokyo been witness to the carnage that happened this day in Shizuka Park, as HYDRA fought S.H.I.E.L.D., Deep One ate Dalek, and rock ninja murdered _Stairway to Heaven_. Fire shuriken and plasma bolts sang through the air, scoring steel and melting flesh indiscriminately. Professor Erskine laughed manically as he sprayed blazing electric death into a horde of gun-slinging Catholic Inquisitors as Mr. Beaver gave a MiB a vicious ear-biting.

Chiyo screamed as some lucky ninjas made it through the melee to take a swing at her. A blood-flecked katana swiped at her skull, only to be brought to a clashing halt by a long, suspiciously spoon-like object. "Eh?" she said. _Is that an adamantium ladle?_

"Damned ninjas," said an invisible voice. Twin battle-spoons pummelled the offending _shinobi_ and fended off several others. "Are you all right, Miss Chiyo?"

"Huh?" All she could see was a sort of distortion in the air and two vicious looking kitchen elements scything through the opposition. _Phase-shift invisibility cloak?_ she wondered. "Um, yes, Miss…?"

"Names are unimportant," said the voice, as it did a passable drum-solo on the skull of a ninja-percussionist. "Come, we must get you to safety."

"No! I can't leave Miss Sakaki like this! Or Misses Kaorin or Chihiro," she added, seeing them cowering in terror.

The voice seemed to consider this. "Very well," it said, before smashing the head from a passing Cylon. "Although I fear we will not last long without reinforcements."

There was a distant sound of flesh tearing, just audible above the din, followed by a roar like a rabid freight train. An emerald meteorite smashed to earth just meters from Chiyo's invisible friend, scattering stone, dirt and ninjas everywhere. All was still for a moment as everyone paused to consider this new arrival.

The dust cleared. Chiyo gasped. "M-m-miss Yomi!?" _I'm never mixing drinks again!_ she thought.

Yomi turned to look at her, the muscles of her neck twisting like ropes. "Chiyo…okay?" She nodded, dumbly. "Good. Then Yomi SMASH!" She quaked the ground with a hammer-blow, knocking a mob of ninjas from their feet, before sending a robotic tin can into orbit with an uppercut. ("WA-AA-AAGH!" it said.) She roared in triumph. "SMASH IS FUN! Aaowh!" A volley of lasers scorched her backside. "Why you little — argh!" The rest of the gang had gotten the same idea. A mob of ninjas, Deep Ones, Doombots and a Girl Scout doggy-piled on top of her, half of whom she threw right off again with a swipe of her arm. "Dang it, those swords hurt!"

"We have to help her!" cried Chiyo. Searching around, she found a rock and threw it. "Yah!"

It plinked off a HYDRA agent's helmet. "D'ahow! Why you little —"

"Waaa-HOO!" Kagura's enthusiastic cry rang out above the din as she soared through the air and flattened the agent with her mountain bike. "Yeah! Two-point landing!"

"Y'all right, Chiyo?" asked Tomo, riding on the back.

"No!" she said. "Something's happened to Miss Sakaki and Miss Yomi!"

"Eh, she's lettin' off steam is all," said Tomo. "Woah! Ninjas!"

"Ninjas?" said Kagura. "Sweet!"

"And what was that about Sakaki?" asked Tomo. Chiyo gestured over her shoulder. "Holy schamolé!"

"We have to do something!" said Chiyo.

"Uh, maybe we could try a fire extinguisher or something? Woah!" She twisted out of the way of an oncoming sword. "Swords! Swords bad! Agh!"

Kagura snapped a fist into the offending ninja. "Do you mind? We are trying to have a conversation!" And with that, she leapt off the saddle, planted both feet into a passing Mole Man and spun her bicycle into the face of a giant robot, wielding it two-handed.

"Augh!" said Tomo, as she flew off the back.

"Sorry, Tomo!" cried Kagura, fending off robots with her bike-fu.

"I'll get you for this, Kagura!"

Chiyo blinked back to reality as a hail of bullets skittered off a pair of ladles by her head. "Miss Chiyo!" said the voice, "we must leave now!"

She nodded, spotting Tomo trying to hog-tie some HYDRA with her legs. "Miss Sakaki!" she said, addressing the white-hot ball of light. "Can you hear me? It's not safe here! We have to go! Please, can you fly or, um lighting-bolt us out of here? Or, um, have arms and legs, please?"

Osaka floated down next to her. "Ah don't think she got ears no more, Chiyo," she said.

"Miss Osaka! Use your magic! Help her!"

"Gimmie a sec." She reached down, grabbed her hat, and screwed it on tight. "There we go. Uh, I'm kinda lackin' in the whole great-fiery-ball school of magic, Chiyo."

"GRRR!" said a charging bear.

"Bolt of Bedevilment!" cried Osaka, summoning foul majicks. _Blee!_ A hail of bran muffins splattered deliciously against the beast. "Waugh! That always happens!"

"Takino Tactical Assault! Rar!" Tomo tripped the beast with an outstretched leg then slapped it silly with paddle-shaped hands. "Ha! Owned!"

"RAR!" said the bear.

"Running in terror!" said Tomo, doing so.

"We have to try, Miss Osaka!" pleaded Chiyo.

"Right!" she said. "Let's see, uh…_Sakakikus normalis! Talldarkandbishojou! Saata andagi!_"

"You…you just turned Miss Kaorin into a rabbit…" wept Chiyo.

"A cute one," said a bewildered Chihiro, holding the Kaori-bunny in her lap.

"I uh, think I summoned somethin' too," said Osaka. Suddenly, a great slimy green pseudopod lashed out from the angry mob behind her, whipped round her waist and yanked her away. "Why is always tentacles?!" she wailed.

"Miss Osaka! Not again!" Chiyo collapsed. "Oh no, this is terrible! And it's all my fault!"

Meanwhile, Professor Erskine had finally had enough. "Our foes are weak, Mr. Beaver!" he cried. "Time for the ultimate weapon!"

"No, Professor!" squeaked the puppet. "It's too risky! It's madness!"

"Madness!?" he roared. "I'll show you madness!" Enraged, he crushed Mr. Beaver's skull in one hand and hurled him aside. "OW! SON OF A SUBMARINER!" Cursing, he plucked a vial of glowing liquid from his pocket and drank it, smacked his lips, and lobbed the empty vial over his shoulder.

"Hey!" said Tomo, as it bounced off her face. "Watch where your — sufferin' succotash!"

Chiyo watched in horror as the professor underwent a monstrous metamorphosis. Muscles bulged grotesquely under his lab coat. Bones creaked and tendons snapped. Skin calcified and crackled, taking on a hideous, reptilian texture. Nails lengthened into claws. And when, at last, the mutation was complete, he put a rose between his teeth, struck a _flamenco_ pose and cried, "_Behold the power of science!_"

"What the spoon?!" Tomo twisted aside as the exceptionally mad scientist _Riverdanced_ through the mob, punting and trampling ninjas, robots, cowboys from hell and (almost) her. "Yomi! Heads up!"

"Huh?" said Yomi, busy knocking two Mole-Men together. "Doof!" she added, as Erskine trampled her.

Kagura spotted his course through the crowd. "He's goin' for Chiyo!" she shouted. Wresting a staff from a nearby ninja, she kicked off somebody's face and landed in front the monster, ready for battle. "Wait a minute — what the hell am I doing?" She ducked between his legs with a yelp.

"Miss Chiyo!" said the invisible voice. "Run!" The twin ladles leapt on Erskine's shoulders and beat him about the face.

"What she said!" cried Osaka, raising her staff. "Flames of Falan—"

Erskine flicked both of them aside. "Fools! None shall deny me (and HYDRA, I guess) the fruits of my labour!"

"S-stop it!" cried Chiyo, standing before him. "I won't let you hurt Miss Sakaki any more!"

"Hmm?" Erskine spat out his rose and raised a roguish eyebrow. "Little Miss Know-It-All wants to stand in my way?"

Her knees quaked. "I, uh, I…"

"Begone, swine!" He raised a hand to slap her aside, apparently unaware that, what with the claws and all, he'd probably decapitate her in the process.

Chiyo was all too aware of what was about to happen. Her eyes went wide and time seemed to slow as she watched her doom whistle towards her neck. Unheeded, the invisible librarian in her head reminded her that it was scientifically possible that she would still be alive and conscious for several seconds after her head left her shoulders, a fact that no doubt comforted the rest of her terrified self.

_No!_ she thought. _I don't want to die! Not like this! Someone, anyone, please! Help!_

A flash of light, like a million rising suns. A blinding bolt of force cannoned into the mad monster, smashing him through the mob and the wall on the opposite side of the street.

Chiyo blinked. "Wha —"

Seven thunders loosed their voices. Air rippled as a sonic boom knocked Chiyo and most everyone else from their feet. _My ears!_ she thought. _Wait! That means I'm not dead. Yay! Oh, unless this is one of those near-death hallucinations I've read about. Hmm._ At this point, rational thought stepped in to remind her that she was, in fact, surrounded by about a zillion ninjas, robots, pirates and evil bad men who wanted to do questionable things to her, and she shut up.

A golden light filled the battle-ravaged park. A small sun, shaped like an exceptionally tall Japanese high-school girl, levitated from the Erskine-shaped hole in the wall above the crowd, arms outstretched. It spoke in a soft yet commanding voice that was not so much heard as it was felt, rattling the foundations of your mind.

"All of you, please…stop fighting!" it said. "I…I didn't want any of this to happen! Just…just go _AWAY_!"

And with that, a thousand spears of light flashed from the sky and smote the ridiculous army. The crack shattered windows for blocks around; no one noticed, since they were all temporarily deaf.

Once she convinced herself that she had not, in fact, become an unwilling participant in a demonstration on electrical safety, Chiyo dared to take a peek through her fingers.

She gasped. She'd expected a field full of scorched flesh and mangled machinery. What she got was a few sad patches of smoking dirt and a gopher who'd popped up to see what all the noise was about. She watched, with the detached amusement of the recently concussed, as it looked around, sniffed the air, then headed back underground for a nice cup of tea.

"— iyo?" said a distant voice. "Chiyo? Y'all right?"

_Oh_, she thought, _it's Miss Kagura_. She nodded, once, before trying to shake the bells from her head. "What just happened?"

"Uh, Sakaki, I think?"

_Oh no_. "Miss Sakaki! Are you — oh my."

The golden goddess of good settled to the ground. Her skin blazed with a warm, gentle light. Her eyes, mouth and hair were like windows into space, black as vacuum and sparkling with stars and nebulae. It was the same with the boots, gloves and belt, except that a fiery, lighting-shaped "S" floated in the midst of each. In short, she looked a lot like Eternity did at the high-school prom.

She looked down at her hands, apparently wondering who they could possibly belong to. "What...what did I just…oh…oh no! I…I've killed them!"

Kagura looked up. "Uh, actually…"

A veritable who's-who of supervillainy fell screaming from the heavens into a nearby lake. After a few moments of coughing and sputtering, they resumed fighting.

"Miss Sakaki!" said Chiyo. "Are you all right?"

The golden goddess of good settled to the ground. Her skin blazed with a warm, gentle light. Her eyes, mouth and hair were like windows into space, black as vacuum and sparkling with stars and nebulae. It was the same with the boots, gloves and belt, except that a fiery, lighting-shaped "S" floated in the midst of each. In short, she looked a lot like Eternity probably did at the high-school prom.

"Um," said Sakaki, summarizing the above.

"Yep, she's good," said Osaka.

Chiyo glommed about her waist, sighing. "I'm so glad," she said. A part of her wondered if she was really seeing the constellation Orion in Sakaki's belt.

The girls swarmed her. "Man, Sakaki, that was AWESOME!" said Kagura. "He was all 'Rar!' and you were all 'Nuh-uh!' and 'Zap!' 'Kaboom!' 'Pow!' How'dya do all that?"

"I, I don't know," she stammered. "And why is Yomi green?"

"That's what I want to know," Yomi growled.

"And who was that invisible sous-chef?" wondered Chiyo.

"Buh…bunny?" said a shell-shocked Chihiro, holding her former classmate.

"Behold!" cried a jubilant Osaka, pointing. "Dr. Exposition hast arrivedetheth…eth."

An electric-blue ghost in the shape of an ex-neurosurgeon in a ridiculous cloak levitated down from the heavens. "Ayumu, I asked you never to call me that," he said, irritated.

"Sorry Steve," said Osaka, not looking it.

"That's _Doctor Strange_, confound it!"

"Doctor Strange!?" squealed Tomo. "Master of the mystic arts!? Sorcerer Supreme of the Universe?!"

"Author of A Short Treatise on the Neurological Intricacies of the Upper Hippocampus?!" asked Chiyo, jumping in.

"Yes, actually," said Strange, surprised. "See, Ayumu, I told you it would sell."

"Curse you," muttered Tomo, miffed that she'd been out-fangirled.

"So, lay it on us, Steve-O," said Osaka. "What's with all the thunder and lightning?"

"Why is there a rabbit here?" asked Sakaki. She stroked its ears, hesitantly. The bunny squealed in apparent ecstasy and fainted. "Ah!"

"Hmm, I suppose we should fix that first," muttered Strange. He snapped his fingers. "_Yamaani_!"

_Poof_. Kaorin morphed back to normal, meaning that Chihiro was now holding a 98-pound schoolgirl instead of a 90-gram lagomorph. "Glorf!" she said, as she was flattened.

"She'll probably think this was all a dream when she wakes up," said Strange, pre-empting Sakaki's question. "I would suggest you keep it that way."

"Dr. Strange, please!" said Yomi. "What's happened to us?"

"Hmm…" Strange looked intently at each of them, his eyes burrowing through their minds and souls with the gentle hands of a skilled practitioner. "My diagnosis? Destiny."

"That no help!" she snarled.

"I don't suppose you're related to Banner, are you, Miss Mizuhara? Didn't think so," he muttered, as Yomi took her aggression out on a street sign. "Although your strength is probably controlled by your emotional state, so you might want to take a chill pill."

"One of these?" asked Osaka, producing a roll of Mentos™."

Strange twitched. "One of these days, Ayumu," he muttered, "bang! Zoom! To the moon!"

"Been there, done that."

"By the Shades of Sattanish," he sighed. "Regardless, what I meant was that all of you have been caught up in a much larger series of events beyond your control and been changed irrevocably as a result."

"Sweet!" said Tomo. "What do I get? Plasma spit? Rocket toes!?"

"Ah, not quite," said Strange, deliberately avoiding eye contact. "Now, I'm still sorting out all the details, but I can assure you that all of you are in perfect physical health, and are not in any immediate danger that I can sense."

"'Immediate'?" said Chiyo.

"I would suggest that you take a moment to collect yourselves," he continued, "get your things from school, and have a good night's sleep. And absolutely no super-heroics before bedtime. I shall contact you later tonight with more information."

"Sleep?" said Kagura. "You kiddin'?! I'm so hopped up on adrenaline I could stay up all night!"

"Actually, that was a subtle attempt at planting a mental suggestion in all of your heads."

"Oh. Hey, wait a minute!"

"I'm beat enough to collapse right now," said Yomi, now back to her normal self.

"Man, you look like a walkin' wardrobe malfunction, Yomi," said Tomo.

"I _know_."

"Please try not to destroy the city before then," he said. "And as for you, Chiyo Mihama…"

"Eh?"

"…Do not let today's events weigh upon your conscience. You were not at fault; indeed, you may have saved countless lives through your chance actions. And I sense that you shall save many more in the days ahead."

"Um, thank you for the reassurance, Doctor Strange, but that doesn't make a lot of sense."

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must attend to a pressing engagement of cosmic significance."

"Tea with Dagon?" asked Osaka.

"_Thank you_, Ayumu, for ruining my dramatic exit," he huffed. He transmuted into a cloud of radiant, yet vexed, cherry blossoms.

The girls took a moment to ponder the wizard's words of wisdom. "Is he always that vague?" asked Yomi.

Osaka nodded. "Sometimes he speaks in pig-Latin."

"Shouldn't we do something about all this?" asked Kagura, indicating the apocalyptic park grounds.

"Oh dear!" said Chiyo, as if noticing it all for the first time.

"I'll take care of it," said Chihiro, supporting Kaorin. "S.H.I.E.L.D. has cleanup crews for just this kind of situation."

"Hordes of ninjas?" said Yomi.

"Unit 447C," Chihiro replied automatically. "The goons should tire themselves out in a few minutes; we'll mind-wipe them afterwards. I'll take Kaorin home, and, uh, dig out Erskine as well."

"Help!" said a muffled voice from the rubble. "I can't stop doing the rumba!"

"I'll talk to you all tomorrow about, you know, the whole super-power thing. If I still have a job then. Oh, my life sucks…" She shuffled off, despondent.

Meanwhile, Sakaki had faded back to her usual gigantic self. "Are you sure you're okay, Miss Sakaki?" asked Chiyo, still latched around her. She nodded. "What about the, um, voices?"

"I can still hear them," she said, "but they're not as loud. I think I can control it now."

"So no more hopping to the moon?" She nodded, once. "Good."

"Hopping to the what now?" asked Kagura, picking up the pieces of her bike. "Man, I just bought this!"

"I think I can fix that," said Sakaki.

"Seriously? Sweet!"

"Do it later," said Yomi. "I'm done for the day. Let's go home."

"You sure that ain't Strange's hypnotism talking?"

"Nah, he didn't do nothin'," said Osaka. "He was messin' with ya."

"Must…go…home…sleep," droned Tomo, apparently in some sort of trance.

"Uh…"

***

Hundreds of miles away in a place forgotten by time, a woman was watching television.

Half-watching, actually. Make that quarter-watching, since she was also talking on the phone, doing her nails and reviewing her slow but inexorable progress towards global domination (or, as she saw it, world peace).

The place was something of an ancient, slightly crumbling monastery, complete with stained glass windows and arcane frescos depicting the history of the world. (There was a lot of blood, obviously.) Except where the altar would normally be, there was a large desk, one of those executive models with all the aluminium and the swinging monitor arms and such, a small video wall, and a woman in a red dress.

It is completely accurate to say that this woman had a body to die for; people did just that on a regular basis. Sculpted legs, voluptuous chest, golden hair, eyes of cobalt steel…she normally let her opponents take it all in before shooting them in the face. That was a rare necessity, however — she was usually able to convince them to do it themselves.

At the moment, she was tracking about seven different news broadcasts on the video wall before her, no doubt ruining her eyesight at the same time due to the cavernous lighting. On the main screen was a broadcast from Japan, where a man named Jameson was denouncing the mysterious golden figure who had saved most of Tokyo earlier in the day as "a menace."

She nodded, listening to the voice on the phone. "Yes," she purred, "I'm watching it now. Really? She did? Like a million exploding suns, you say? I see." She gave her nails a final buff. "This is good news. Thank you, Mr. Beaver. You shall live to see another day." She hung up. A nun wearing an AK-47 shuffled in, removed the receiver, bowed, and left.

The woman watched the golden goddess with piercing eyes. "'And the light of justice shall lead them,'" she whispered, quoting something. "Yuumura?" she said to the shadows.

"Yes, my lady?" they replied.

She smiled, sensuously. "I want her."

The shadows nodded. "Understood, my lady."

**(Footnotes)**

1. (Sigh.) No, this does NOT mean she is a 2,000-foot-tall massively powerful armoured humanoid energy god, although she could probably give Arishem's thumb-o'-doom a good workout.

2. You know, the ones with the throbbing reds and lightning bolts. Character actor Johnny McSeethrough made a fortune starring in those ads before the CG revolution made him obsolete. Today, he can still be found on the streets of Hollywood, eking out a pitiful existence cosplaying Alfred Hitchcock's silhouette.

3. Famous last words.

4. Isn't that always the way? The big boss says, "Seize them!" or "Take them alive!" and the minions open up with repeating laser ferrets. Worse still is "alive and unspoiled," which involves sending killer robots back in time to give your grandparents a wedgie.

5. Second string character in Azumanga Daioh. Shortish, cropped hair, infatuated with Sakaki and utterly gypped by this one scene cameo.

6. _This_ cameo, in contrast, is far more than he deserves. Ogawa is also known as "the only other male character in Azumanga to get a name." He has, like, two lines of dialogue. He's the fellow with glasses in episode one.

7. The Hand are like the _yakuza_, except they're ninjas and they have magic ninja powers or something. Recently, they took out a giant robot by stabbing it to death.

8. Mole Men. Don't ask.


	11. Rooftop Rendezvous

**Chapter 11: Rooftop Rendezvous**

_And so it came to pass, human readers, that six adolescent females acquired fantastic powers beyond those of mortal ken, and became embroiled in a plot that would determine the fate of the universe._

"_Huh? I don't remember that happenin'…"_

_For it has not yet come to pass, Ayumu, granddaughter of Kasuga. And it may not. For time is a great sea, and all things leave ripples as they travel through it. There are many worlds in the cosmos, many Kasugas, of which you are but one. In this world, you are a sorcerer's apprentice of uncertain ability. In another, you are a giant moth._

"_Wha?"_

_Heed well these words, Ayumu Kasuga: the future is not yet determined. Think carefully on your choices in the days ahead, for a single stone may change the course of a mighty river._

"_Y-you mean, with antennae and everythin'?"_

"_For Zom's sake, Ayumu!"_

_And know that all things can change their destiny, if they but know themselves. Now go, for the sorcerer and I have many things of which to discuss._

"_Is that why ahm attracted to light bulbs?"_

"_Rrgh! By Xellotaph's terrible tarnished throne, send this numbnut hurtling home!!"_

"_Waaaaagh! I'm falling!"_

_Strange? Was it necessary to open a mystic portal beneath your apprentice's astral form, just now, causing her to plummet back to Earth at something close to the speed of thought?(1)_

"_You're the Watcher. You tell me."_

…_Ah. So it was. Would you like a biscuit?_

"_They're not Lockjaw's, are they?"_

***

It was morning in downtown Tokyo, complete with twittering birds, rustling leaves, and that sweet cool summer breeze that tickles you awake for another day.

Yomi hated mornings. She hated that noisome alarm clock, the glare through the shades and those over-caffeinated songbirds outside her window. One minute she would be soaring through raspberry clouds belting out her latest hit single for a crowd of a million adoring fans (some of whom were inexplicably rabbits), and the next, _wham!_ The heavy hand of reality slapped her back to earth, and her ordinary, humdrum, and (in her opinion) heavy self. Then it was black coffee, burnt toast and the long forced march to school.

But today was different. When she woke up screaming from her bizarre dream of robots, mad scientists, and bone-crunching smashing, she immediately checked her biceps and sighed, relieved. For they were soft, pink, and small, maybe even a little bit flabby, with no suggestion that they had ever had the size and strength of an enraged anaconda or had tried to prise a man's head from his shoulder's like a bottle opener. "Oh, thank goodness," she sighed.

A dream! It had all been a dream! She leaped out of bed, laughing, did a pirouette and tripped over a set of mysteriously shredded gym clothes. "Ow! Sonova!" But she smiled through the pain. She was alive! Awake! And she was herself! Not a great green goliath, but Koyomi Mizuhara, ordinary high-school student with not a care in the world except for exams, her waistline, and oh, hey, there's that project due next week with Tomo, damn her, and…no! She pushed those thoughts aside. _Think positive!_ she admonished herself. _"Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small." And hurry up, or you'll be late._

She dressed swiftly, chomped through breakfast and trotted out the door, studiously ignoring the crews who were apparently filling craters at nearby Shizuka Park. _It was all a dream_, she thought. _Yes. A dream. You didn't really smash giant robots with hunks of concrete or break a man's jaw with your face. It was a dream. Honest. Really! Please, please be a dream!_

"Mornin', Incredible She-Yomi!" cheered Tomo, rounding a corner.

She slumped. "Damn it all to hell," she muttered.

"Geeze, whatever happened to 'hello'?" asked Tomo, miffed.

She apologized. "You just shattered my hopes and dreams, that's all."

"Another triumph for Takino!" she cheered.

"Ugh."

Yomi once wondered why she hung around with Tomo. She concluded that the girl had attached herself, limpet-like, to her hull during elementary school, and that it was now less annoying to let her be than to go through the trouble of scraping her off, preferably with a water cannon. She wondered if sharks felt that way about remoras.

"So," she asked, "it really happened? I really turned into that huge, muscular beast?"

"Yeah, it was _awesome!_ You were all 'ARRGH!' and 'RAR!' and 'SMASH' with an '87 Civic! And then you did that thing, uh, y'know that move where you grab the guy round the waist like so and whip 'em overhead like this?"

"A…German suplex?" she suggested, wincing as she recalled the details.

"Yeah, and BAM! Head first into the pavement! Straight out of Lynwood! So AWESOME!"

"But I was a monster! A killing machine! It took all I had just to not hurt you and the others with flying debris! And for all I know that, that _thing_ is still inside me, under my skin, waiting to bust out and, I dunno, trash Tokyo Tower or something."

"Wouldn't be the first time," quipped Tomo.(2) "Fine, fine, I hear ya, I'm sorry. Don't know why you're so worried, though."

"Wo — Tomo, I could have snapped you in half with my eyebrows!"

"Ah, but you didn't, is my point," she replied. "You were in control; not savage, but sensational. Scrape away all that gamma-green gristle and you still found plain ol' borin' Koyomi, big butt and all."

"But Tomo —"

"Yomi." She grabbed her, gently, by the shoulders. "Yomi, you are not a monster, okay? You're you. Same you that slugged me back in 3rd grade, except now you've got a little more power to your punches."

"A 'little'?"

"Okay, a lot," she admitted, feeling her jaw. "My point is, you're the same Yomi today as you were the day before yesterday, except with super-powers."

"Tomo, that is not a small difference!"

"Yes it is," she countered. "I mean, heck, am I any less Tomo now that you know I can do this?" she asked, briefly twisting her arms into a pretzel.

"Uh…"

"Oh, that's real mature," she groused. "You find out your best friend is a rubber-maid and suddenly she's all freaky-weirdo, huh?"

"No, no!" Yomi protested. "It's not like that. But it's a lot to get used to at once."

"That's what I'm saying. Give it time, Yomi. You'll get used to it."

"I hope so," she replied.

"Uh, Yomi?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you help? I'm, uh, a little stuck?" She waved her arms, which were now twisted into a Gordian knot.

She groaned. "You're an idiot."

***

It was oppressively dull during class that morning. Miss Yukari spent half of it ranting about the price of Playstation, and Mr. Kimura spent the other half ogling everyone's breasts.(3) It took all of Yomi's willpower to keep herself from knocking him into next week when he used the words "Kagura" and "pleasure domes" in the same sentence,(4) which disturbed her on several levels, not the least of which was her fear that she actually _could_ knock him into next week now.

She could sense the same restlessness in her friends across the aisles. Kagura was grinning ear to ear (except during Kimura's class), and Tomo passed more notes than an entire symphony, most of which, appropriately, dealt with the subject of what their super-heroic theme song should be. Even Chiyo seemed distracted, flinching at the slightest noise and taking a full half-second longer before volunteering to answer a question. Only Sakaki seemed focused and intent on her work, which was strange since she'd normally be staring out the window. _Yet she's still near top of the class,_ Yomi groused. As for Osaka, she suddenly awoke screaming, "Waaagh! I'm falling!" about halfway through English class, earning a righteous beating from Yukari. Some things, it seemed, never changed.

They all silently agreed to a rooftop rendezvous at lunch, as it was one of the few places they could have any privacy. Cirrus clouds wisped overhead as the breeze from a passing supersonic-robo-jet fight caressed their skin and tinkled through the blossoms of the small garden. Faint chips and furrows on the ceiling tiles hinted at dramatic moonlight duels held on this very spot, or possibly bad maintenance.

Osaka, uncharacteristically verbose, immediately regaled them with a wild tale of the moon, a huge bald man, and a computer that showed, in remarkable detail, exactly what had happened to them yesterday. "So," she said, "that's what happened."

"Uh, yeah, Osaka, we were all there," said Kagura.

"Ah, but this time you saw it from multiple camera angles," she replied.

Yomi pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming on. "Osaka, that is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard from you in my life."

"But it's true! Honest and really! I was on the moon and met the Watcher and saw his big shiny head and everything!" She huffed. "An' how is it more ridiculous than you turnin' into a big green giant?"

"Point taken."

"It does explain a lot," mused Chiyo.

"No it doesn't," said Yomi. "I mean, how the heck does an energy drink do this?" she asked, flexing imaginary biceps. "Or that? "she added, pointing at Sakaki. "Uh, no offence." Sakaki waved it off.

"I'd have to do some analysis, but I'd guess that Mr. Erskine's formula, carefully calibrated for Miss Osaka's physiology, somehow interacted with the ingredients of my energy drink and Miss Sakaki's DNA, causing a photosynthetic reaction that causes her molecules to exist a step forward in time and accounting for her fantastic abilities. Probably," she added, after seeing Kagura's expression.

"That's a pretty darn good guess there, Chiyo," she said.

"Maybe we're supposed to figure it out for ourselves?" said Osaka. "Steve does that a lot to me."

Tomo squealed with superheated joy. "Ooh, I bet we'll have to go on a super-dangerous quest to a hidden lab on a desert island to find the super-secret super-villain behind it all! I bet it's Doctor Doom! No! Baron Zemo!"

"Uh, didn't Mr. Erskine say it was HYDRA?" asked Kagura.

Tomo froze. "You ruin everything," she grumbled.

Sakaki looked at her hands, turning them over and over. "Then, these powers…they're evil?"

"I don't know about that, Miss Sakaki," said Chiyo, seated next to her on the edge of a planter. "From the sounds of it, they were an accident. I mean, nothing's evil unless it's used that way, right?"

"I dunno," said Osaka, next to her, "that Marmite's pretty foul stuff."

"The runt's right!" said Tomo. "Verily, it falls to us to use our mighty powers for the betterment of humanity! We are the new defenders of the Earth!" "What 'powers,' Tomo?" said Yomi. "You stretch. That's it."

"So does Mr. Fantastic!" she shot back.

"He's also a genius, a billionaire and has three other super-people backing him up."

"Precisely! Which is why we must now form a fantastic alliance of young avenging defenders!"

"What?!"

"Sweet!" said Kagura.

"Not you, Kagura, you're useless," said Tomo, with a contemptuous wave.

She bristled. "What? Hey! I can do lots of stuff!"

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I have the superhuman power of punchin' you in the face," she replied.

She hesitated. "A most…powerful skill. I will consider it. But first! A team name!"

"Uh, no," said Yomi. "First, we undo whatever just happened to us."

"I propose Tak-Attack! Since we're lead by me, Takino, and we attack people! Evil ones!"

"Tomo…"

"No takers? Okay, how about Takino's Eleven? No, wait, there's six of us, unless I'm so awesome I count more than once? Nah. Omega Flight? Girls Bravo? _Not_ Team Sea Slug!" she snapped, spotting Osaka out of the corner of her eye.

"Aw," said Osaka. "But I had a theme song ready and everything."(5)

"Damn it, Tomo!" said Yomi, stomping the ground in frustration, "we've got bigger things to worry about than…uh…why are you all staring like that?" The girls, who had jumped back about a foot, nodded towards the cracked and buckled tiles beneath Yomi's feet. "Oh. Um. Sorry?"

"No offence," said Kagura, "but you should look into some anger-management classes, girl."

"_I don't need_ — deep breath, deep breaths! — that…that's actually a good idea…"

"Or boxing. Sports are good for lettin' off steam."

"Or you could rent out your chest for panel-beating," quipped Tomo. "Or not!" she added, hastily backing out of smiting range.

"And how are you doing, Miss Sakaki?" asked Chiyo, seeking to defuse the situation.

She considered her response carefully. "Well…"

_In her dreams, she blazed with the strength of mighty supernovae. The cute plush dogs, kittens and miniature giraffes that normally snuggled close to her in flowered meadows now squealed adorably in terror, trampling each other with little squeaky noises in their frenzied attempts to flee her outstretched petting hand. It was all rather depressing. She sighed, and reclined against a nearby tree. Seconds later, she flopped on her back as the tree screamed, pulled up roots and scuttled off over the horizon, scattering leaves, apples, and squirrels in its wake. _

_And then a strange, translucent figure materialized from the aether. "Nanashi, daughter of Sakaki!" it said.(6)_

_She sat up. "You're the man from before? The strange doctor?"_

"_I am he," said Dr. Strange. "I come bearing gifts and information." _

"_Then you can help me?" she asked, excited. "You can fix…this?"_

"_Not as of yet, child." Her heart fell. "Nor may it be my place to do so. This destiny may have been foreordained, and if it was, it falls to you, not I, to fight against it. I would be negligent if I did not prescribe whatever treatments I could, however." _

_He drew a shimmering tiara of crimson force from his cloak and offered it to her. "This is the Crimson Crown of Cyttorak. Wear it, and it shall shield your mind from outside influences, quieting the cries of help you hear."_

_She accepted it, hesitantly. "But is it right for me to shut them out?" she wondered. "They need help…and I can help them…shouldn't I?"_

"_But do you _want_ to, child?" he asked. "Do you want that weight upon your shoulders?" She hesitated. "We'd best leave debates of power and responsibility for another time," he said. "Maybe I should introduce you to Parker?" he added, sotto voce. He coughed. "You must understand, Nanashi, that the emergence of your powers has sent shockwaves through the psychic and metaphysical planes. I do not know the precise nature of your abilities as of yet, but I sense that they would terrifying to behold in the wrong hands, and those hands have already set agents in motion to seek you out."_

"_Like those people yesterday?"_

"_Precisely. Right now, you are the psychic equivalent of a Def Leppard concert performing on a thousand-story flaming lighthouse atop Godzilla's nostrils.(7) This artefact shall dampen your mental output to that of, say, a small bonfire. Through training, I can teach you how to focus your mind to douse the rest of it. For now, I suggest you keep yourself occupied, and try not to let your mind wander. Do not use your powers. Keep them secret, keep them safe. And for the Vishanti's sake, try not to knock over any buildings."_

_She frowned. "Why do you keep saying that?"_

"_I keep hoping that someone will actually do it one of these days," he grumbled. He levitated skyward. "Sleep well, Nanashi — or as well as you are able."_

"_Can you do anything about this?" she cried, indicating the huddled mass of cute things. _

"_Have you tried catnip?"_

"…and then I woke up," she finished.

"Woah," said an awed Kagura, "your dreams are AWESOME."

"Oh, that's what it is," said Osaka. "I was wonderin' what that thing on your head was."

"What 'thing,' Miss Osaka?"

"Y'know, the fire-engine red flamin' tiara with the serpents bitin' their own tails?" said Osaka. "Kinda above her eyebrows?" The girls turned to look. Sakaki strained her eyes trying to peek at her own forehead. "Oh, wait. Trick of the light, never mind." They groaned.

"So is it working, Miss Sakaki?" asked Chiyo.

"Sort of," she replied. "It's like a whisper in my ear, or a prickle in the back of my neck. The hard part is ignoring it. I mean, I want to help, but I can't. I tried helping a kitten stuck in a tree this morning, and —"

"Don't tell me you atomized the kitten with an atomic blast?!" cried Tomo, leaping to her feet.

"No!" said a horrified Sakaki.

"Why would you even think that?!" quavered Chiyo.

"Nuts." Tomo sat down.

"So what happened to the cat?" asked Kagura. "It bite you again?"

She nodded. "Except when it did, there was this flash and its teeth bounced off my skin. It ran off, terrified." She sighed. "I'm a monster."

"No, no," said Chiyo, patting her arm, "you're _Sakaki!_"

"Yeah," added Kagura, "I mean, cats do that to you all the time, don't they?" Withering stares all around. "I, uh, said something dumb, didn't I? Sorry." Sakaki waved it off.

"And to make up for your transgression," declared Tomo, "you must now tell us the origin of your fantastic fighting powers!"

"My what?"

"You know! Hyah! Woah-pah! Yah! Argh, shin! Shin! Pulled the shin!"

"Oh, that? I picked it up from my Uncle Sanshiro. There's some aikido, bit of kung-fu, dim-mak…kinda anything goes. I think he called it 'The Way of the Hit-You-So-Hard-You-Explode-Fist.'"

"S-sounds dangerous," said Chiyo, edging away from her.

"Nah, it's just an expression. Although he could do a number on those old Dreamcast controllers."(8)

Tomo looked disappointed. "That's it? 'My uncle taught me?' No gamma rays? No secret ninja monasteries or sacred swords? Your story stinks, Kags."

"Well, excuse me for being boring," she muttered. "And don't call me 'Kags.'"

"And so we come at last to our lady of magic, Osaka," said Tomo, jabbing an imaginary microphone in her face. "Fess up!"

Osaka cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "Well —"

"Never mind! You're boring!" cried Tomo.(9) "Chiyo! Confess! The power of Takino compels you!"

"Huh?" she said, going cross-eyed looking at the imaginary mike in front of her nose. "But I don't have any powers."

"Then explain that!" she objected, pointing at her lunchbox.

"That's…um…raspberry Jello?"

"It was blueberry three seconds ago!"

"Oh, that? Polymorphic gelatine. See, you take normal gelatine, run it through a hydroscopic phase transducer and add some lemon Tang so it shifts flavours every minute or so. It also changes if you tap it, like this." She did so with her chopsticks. It jiggled, and morphed through the colours of the rainbow, eventually settling on a sort of electric pink. "Ah! Strawberry sunrise!"

"See?!" cried Tomo. "You're like Reed Richards crossed with Martha Stewart or something!"

"Iä iä!" added Osaka.

"There's nothing special about it," said Chiyo, embarrassed. "You just need the right ingredients."

"Now that this nonsense is over, can we eat?" asked Yomi. _Not that I have an actual lunch_, she thought. _Yomi hate stupid celery._

"But we haven't settled on a team name yet!" cried Tomo.

"There's no team!" Yomi snapped. "So there's no name! So you can shut! _Up!_" _Kerrr-RIP!_ Her muscles suddenly doubled in size, shredding her blouse. "Damn it!"

"Don't worry, Miss Yomi!" said Chiyo. "I brought a portable sewing kit!"

Yomi huffed and puffed. "This going get expensive," she grumbled, surveying the damage to her clothes.

Kagura stood on her tip-toes and laid an arm across her shoulders. "Boxing, man. Look into it."

**(Footnotes)**

1. Slightly faster than intuition, but slower than idiocy. Scientists have yet to breach the still-theoretical "meme-speed" barrier, but have come dangerously close with the "AYOB" and "4chan" engines.

2. Indeed. It's made of Nerf nowadays.

3. This made the boys very uncomfortable.

4. In his defence, they were discussing Coleridge's "Kublah Khan" at the time, but the way he drooled while reciting it added a certain innuendo to the poem.

5. "Slugs! Yay! (12 minute flute solo)"

6. I tried to come up with something original, but Zoltan's "Nanashi" just clicks for some reason. No comment on "Andrea."

7. Needless to say, he knew this from experience. I'm serious! Check the Def Leppard secret history books if you don't believe me.

8. His first name was Segata. No one will get this joke. Those who _have_ heard the tales of the legendary Segata Sanshiro should immediately punch a man so hard he explodes in his honour.

9. See _Strange Tales_ number 2,378 for the whole story, fantasti-fans!


	12. Bread Beating Contest

**Chapter 12: Bread-Beating Contest**

_[Author's note: sharp-eyed readers might say that Segata Sanshiro did not, in fact, punch people so hard that they exploded — rather, he threw them — and point to _Astonishing Tales #117_ as proof. Little do they realize that the Segata in that issue was actually a Thanosi clone! No No-Prize for you!]_

Chiyo did her best with her Super-Secret-Silent-Sew-O-Matic That Fits Inside An Ordinary Key-Fob (patent pending), patching here, reinforcing there, but Yomi's blouse was still a wretched sight when the girls stepped into the schoolyard at the end of the day — something Frankenstein would have made if he'd sent Igor to raid a _FabricLand_.

"Ugh." Yomi tried, and failed, to stop her cross-stitches from chafing. "How am I going to explain this when I get home?"

"Fight with a lawnmower?" suggested Tomo, walking next to her. "Ooh, ooh! Crazed fanboys!"

"Har. Har." _I wish I had fanboys_, a small part of her mused.(1)

"I'm sorry, Miss Yomi," said Chiyo, tagging along. "I'll use monomolecular thread in the next model; that should be less noticeable. Oh, or maybe unstable molecules? Nylon? Hmm…"

"Don't bother, Chiyo. I'll manage." _I hope_, she added. _Maybe if I wore really baggy pants? Sweaters? Ugh, that horrible cardigan from Aunt Miwa…_(2)

"It's no bother! I like making things!"

"Hey, Chiyo, can you knit some socks for my pet snail?" asked Osaka. "Her name's Julamerine."

"Miss Osaka, I don't think snails have feet."

"Then how come her toes are so cold?" she asked.

"That's a very good question…" Chiyo replied, pondering it.

"That's enough out of you," grumbled Tomo, bopping Osaka on the head. "Besides, she's already promised me a cape."

"I did?" said Chiyo, who hadn't.

"Verily!" cried Tomo, who didn't care. "One that floats like liquid flame in the night and strikes fear into the hearts of men!" She leapt upon a nearby rock, invisible cloak flung wide. "Bwaah!"

Yomi pulled her down. "Tomo, we've discussed this. You are not now, nor will you ever be, a crime-fighter."

"Puh-shawh, Yomi!" she replied, packing as much contempt as possible into each syllable. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is always looking for super-powered mega-cops. They'll take anyone.(3) Heck, they hired Chihiro, didn't they?"

"She's super-powered?" asked Kagura. "How?"

"Preternatural irrelevance," said Chiyo. "She has the superhuman ability to be ignored by everyone."

"Man, that must suck on dates."

"Tell me about it," said Chihiro, leaning against the school's gate.

Kagura jumped about a foot. "Gah! Where did you…oh, I get it! Ha ha ha! Good one!"

"Yeah," she deadpanned, "I meant to do that."

"We were just talking about you, Miss Chihiro," said Chiyo.

"Yeah," said Tomo, "about how if a nobody like you can get into S.H.I.E.L.D, I'm a shoe-in! Ow!"

"My apologies," said Yomi, who had just karate chopped Tomo.

"I'm used to it," sighed Chihiro. "The powers wouldn't be so bad if they weren't on all the time."

"But how does a girl like you get a job as a secret agent?" she asked.

She shrugged. "I needed the money, and they had a scholarship. They said they'd pay my tuition if I kept tabs on all the super-beings in the school. They wanted a spy, and who better than Anonymous Girl?"

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Tomo. "You've been spying on us?!"

"No no no!" she cried, defensive. "You're my friends, I'd never do that! Besides, I'm busy enough with the others already."

"Others?"

"Well, where to start?" She dug a thick, dog-eared black book out her pocket. "Let's see, there's the ninja in 3-C, the espers of 2-A, that blazing transfer student, the cheerleading squad —"

"Ha! I knew those breasts were suspicious!"

"— Professor Erskine…" She skipped a few pages. "Oh, and Miss Yukari."

"Sche-wha?"

Chihiro blinked. "You…_have_ seen her driving, right?" Chiyo went pale. "Oh, and the Prime Minister has a restraining order on her. Wait! That's classified! Forget I said that! And that I was here! And, uh, possibly that I even exist! Ah, er, uh…"

"Don't worry, Miss Chihiro, we won't tell anyone," Chiyo assured her. "Besides, I think I'm cleared for most of that."

She sighed, relieved. "Thanks. I'm pretty new at this. I mean, I thought my life was busy enough before without knowing about the guy who can set me on fire with his nose. And then there're the gadgets! All the guys keep wishing they had rocket boots like Golgo 13, but do they know what they do to your heels?"

"Um…" said Chiyo, who had an idea.

"And the accessories," she continued, venting full speed ahead. "Molotov earrings, plasma socks, torpedo skirts…it's a wonder I can sit down without exploding! And don't get me started on what happens when you hit 'redial' on this thing," she said, indicating her cell-phone.

"Ooh! Ooh!" ooked Tomo. "Can I try?"

"Sakaki!" snapped Yomi.

The big girl grabbed her. "Hey! No fair!" Tomo whined

"Oh no, I did it again, didn't I?" moaned Chihiro, mortified. Chiyo made reassuring noises. "But there's so much going on and I want to talk about it with someone, you know?

Kagura gave her a hearty slap to the back that nearly toppled her. "Never fear, girl, we're here for ya!"

"Our office is always open," added Osaka.

"Thanks," she said, wincing. "Oh, right, I need you all to fill out one of these forms…" She tore a sheaf of pages from her little book. "Just write you names where it says."

"This isn't some sort of superhuman registration act, is it?" asked Tomo, eyeing it with suspicion.

"Huh? What would be the point of that?"(4)

Yomi read it. It was pretty wordy. "'I, Insert Name Here, do hereby promise to not damage, destroy, obliterate or otherwise vex the physical, metaphysical, social and economic infrastructure of the greater Tokyo area if at all possible during my daily activities, and will try really, really hard not to destroy the world again.'" She made a face. "'Again'?!"

"Legal boilerplate," she explained. "I'm supposed to give one to every new super-person I find. It helps cut down on property damage, apparently."

"Wow, this is almost the same as my registration form for the Young Scientists Forum!" said Chiyo.(5)

Kagura struggled halfway through the words before giving up. "Ah, who needs this! I ain't going to go Godzilla on downtown anyway."

"That's what they all say," sighed Chihiro.

"And besides!" cried Tomo. "How can you place limits on the tools of heroism?! Why, if the fate of the city hangs in the balance, we heroes may well have to raze a city block or two in order to poke villainy in its evil, evil eyeball!"

"Oh, you want to be super-heroes too?" Chihiro sagged. "I'll go get the forms."

"Don't bother," snapped Yomi, "because we're _not_."

"Indeed!" declared Tomo. "For we shall instead become vigilante mercenaries, a league of avenging force workers that — "

"Sakaki!"

"— mrlf?_ Moh mhair!_"

"…" said Sakaki, gagging her.

Chihiro shrugged. "Okay, let me know if you change your mind. The S-27 form is, like, 20 pages." Suddenly, her phone chirped the guitar riff from the Bond series. "Agh, stupid ring-tone…yes? What? Again!? But we just replaced it last week! Ughh…hold on, I'll be right there."

"Problem?" asked Kagura, as she hung up with a huff.

"Nothing serious," she muttered. "Some kid deliquesced the rear gate again."

"'Deli-what?'"

"I better go take care of it," she sighed. "Of all the days to wear my _good_ shoes…oh, can you hand those forms back to me by tomorrow? Thanks." Chihiro sprinted away. "Hey!" she shouted at someone. "I saw what you did there!" Something big and electric pink went _ZORT_ as she rounded a corner. "And _enough with the eye beams, Onizuka!_"

"Ah always wondered who was makin' those light shows," said Osaka.

"Uh, should we help her?" asked Kagura.

"_Mrrrph!_" growled a spastic and struggling Tomo.

"No," said Yomi. "She has the situation well in hand."

"_Stop eating the rose garden!_" screeched a distant voice.

"Um…" said Kagura, unconvinced.

"No," said Yomi, flatly. "We are going to go home and do our work like good, ordinary high school students, just like we do every day, and stay out of trouble. And then, I don't know, maybe I'll see a doctor or something and fix…this."

"Mrlph grrble! Mrrgle…arrr! Enough of this!" Tomo stunned Sakaki by slipping out of her grasp like a wet noodle. "What 'choo talkin' 'bout, Yomi?"

"I'm talking about _real life_, Tomo," she said, as they headed towards downtown. "The one we were living before yesterday, not the one in those comic books of yours."

"Hey! Those are legitimate historical documents valid in any court of law, you know!"(6)

"Yes, and I'd like very much to stay out of them, thank you very much."

"Although it would be kinda cool to star in one of them," said Kagura, thoughtful.

"Oh, I ordered one of those once," said Osaka. "Ah was a fairy queen an' I beat Dormammu with some Hostess Fruit pies."

"Don't you two start," Yomi growled.

"But wouldn't it be exciting to get into the history books, Miss Yomi?" asked Chiyo. "My mother still has her first issue in mint condition."(7)

"No it wouldn't!" she snapped, whirling on her. Chiyo squealed and hid behind Sakaki's legs. "Sorry," she sighed. "Look, all of you. Do you know what all historical figures have in common?"

"Fat legs?" asked Osaka.

"No! _They're all dead!_ They're history! They did something so monumentally stupid that they got themselves killed! And it's the same with super-heroes, except they take several city blocks with them!"

"Hey!" Tomo protested. "They don't always die!"

Yomi snorted. "Yeah, sometimes they come back to life before dying again."

"Messiah complex," Osaka said, by way of explanation.

"My point is that when normal people suddenly get super-powers they don't go out shopping for capes. They get rid of them and get on with their lives. That's what I'm going to do, and what you all should too."

Kagura frowned. "Hey, you're not the boss of me. I thought yesterday was kinda fun, myself."

"Oh yeah?" said Yomi. "And what was the fun bit? The guns? The screaming? The _almost getting killed?_" Chiyo quivered at the memories.

Kagura thought it over. "Well, yeah, there was that, but I was thinkin' about the ninjas." She grinned. "_So_ awesome."

"Yeah!" cried Tomo. "And did you see that bit where I slapped those guys silly! Hah! Truly, Tomo the Terrific was born upon that day!"

"There's a bear behind you," said Yomi. Tomo screamed and wrapped around Yomi's knees. "Would you mind not doing that in public?"

"That was not funny, Yomi!"

"Neither is your obsession with super-heroes!" she snapped. "Anyone who puts on a mask and fights crime after suffering a horrible accident is mad, plain and simple!"

"Miss Yomi, you're bulging again…"

"'Mad'? Ha! The world is mad, Yomi! Traffic slows down during rush hour! Pants come in pairs even though there's just one of them! This is a world of miracles and marvels, Yomi, and super-heroism is," and here she posed dramatically, "our _destiny!_"

Yomi felt ready to punch her into next week. Fortunately for both of them (and next week), Chiyo intervened. "Now, now, no need to fight over this you two. I'm sure that none of us wants to go through what happened yesterday again."

"I'm not sure," said Kagura, weighing the options. "On the one hand, we almost died. On the other, ninjas…I'm kinda torn on this one, myself. Kidding, kidding," she said, after seeing Yomi's face. "Nobody's nuts enough to want to go through that again."

"Whaaat?" said Tomo, who was. "I thought you'd be all over this, action girl?"

"Hey, fights are dangerous, you know? 'Specially if you don't stretch beforehand. I'm pretty sure I pulled something or other yesterday…"

"So how come you went all Red Sonja(8) on those guys yesterday, huh?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. It was like hearing a starter gun go off, y'know? I heard they were in trouble," she said, with a nod to Sakaki and Chiyo, "and I was just, 'go.' I didn't click to what I was doing until about the seventh ninja or so."

"Ah hah!" cried Tomo. "Your own words expose the heroic soul that burns within you! Next step: Dr. Octopus!"

"Objection!" countered Yomi. "Ridiculous argument from false premise!"

"Overruled!" sang Osaka.

"You stay out of this, damn it!"

"Still," said Chiyo, "that was very brave of you, Miss Kagura. Thank you. Thank all of you." She bowed.

"Aw shucks," said Kagura, embarrassed. "Weren't no thang."

"Ha!" ha'd Tomo. "Just what a true hero would show after a climactic battle against evil: humility!"

Osaka grinned. "Oh, so that rules you out, eh Tomo?"

"You stay out of this, damn it!" she screeched. "No, wait! Osaka! You're schooled in the mystic arts, right?" She nodded. "Then you must grapple with terrors from beyond the veil of madness every day, risking your very soul to save the universe, right?! Surely you want to join my team!"

She blinked. "Uh, sorry Tomo, Steve don't let me do much but pull rabbits out of a hat. And don't call me 'Shirley."

Tomo sputtered. "But…but…magic! Monsters! Bang, zoom, to the moon! Don't you, I dunno, wrestle Yob Soggoth in your spare time?"

"No way, man. Soggy's bad news. All those tongues…ick."

"Well, what about ordinary crooks, then? You could use your powers to turn a purse-snatcher into a rain of frogs!"

"Ah think Steve would erase me from history again if I did that. Again."(9)

"Chiyo! Sakaki!" she said, desperate. "It falls to us to build a better world! Won't you answer the call of destiny with me?"

"Miss Tomo, I think you're getting a little carried away with this idea," advised Chiyo. "And I'm not sure that vigilantism is appropriate in a modern day law-abiding society." Sakaki simply shook her head.

"Then…then none of you will answer the call?!" Tomo staggered under their indifferent stares, and slumped. "There are no more heroes," she groaned.

"But we could still be a team," said Chiyo. "We could be the Happy Friends! Yes! With secret handshakes and a clubhouse!"

Tomo moaned in disgust. "What use is a handshake against the leagues of injustice?"

"Would you give it up already, Tomo?" said Yomi.

"Never!" she cried, burning with passion. "For justice never sleeps!"

"Does 'justice' want a snack?"

"Takoyaki? Hell yes."

Traffic was thick here in the market district, as were the crowds. Garish signs hanging from every building almost blotted out the sun. As usual, the girls had fallen behind Sakaki, subconsciously using her as an icebreaker to navigate the sea of humanity. They beached themselves on the banks of _Panya del Fuego_, an eccentric bakery known for its delicious pastries and the big model crème bun on the roof. A huge man in a grey cloak and spotless frilly apron lurked behind the counter.

"_Welcome_," growled the inexplicably creepy shopkeeper, his face hidden by a purple balaclava. "Got somethin' that might interest you, _strangers_, heh heh heh…"

"Why do we keep coming here?" whispered Kagura. "This guy creeps me out."

"Yeah," replied Tomo, grinning, "isn't he awesome?!"

"Chiyo is a consultant for them," explained Yomi, "so we get a discount. And besides, they have the best low-fat pastries in town."

The man cackled. "What're you buyin'?"

"What're you sellin'?" replied Tomo, in the same tone of voice. He swept open his cloak to reveal crudely written menu.

Chiyo waved at him. "It's good to see you again, Mister Rogers."

"Oh, Missus Chiyo!" he replied, in a perfectly normal voice. "Didn't see you down there. Same to you, ma'am."

"Ooh, they got melon bread," said Osaka, leaning dangerously on the display case, "and crème horns, and those swan things and…uh…whatever that is…"

"Goodness!" said Chiyo, looking. "That's Schrödinger's bread!"

"Yeah, the new guy done it," said the shopkeeper. "Said he read the recipe in one of them cookin' journals."

"Ah, that's right!" said Chiyo. "I guess it would have hit _Science_ by now."(10)

Osaka blinked. "Schroeder? It's piano-flavoured?"

"It's very nice," she gushed. "You use advanced quantum bake-chanics to put the filling in a state of superposition so that it is simultaneously crème and not crème at the same time, and you don't know what flavour it is until you eat it. You have to bake it with your eyes closed. I'm surprised the chef managed it, actually."

"Ah'm surprised I got half of that."

"I mean, you usually need a Xeno-Heisenberg compensator and a top-secret easy-bake oven to create the quantum field, and those aren't found outside of classified military kitchenettes —"

"Mwah ha ha!" laughed a madman in the back kitchen. "By reversing the polarity on this stolen top-secret protoculture oven, I, Nihon Yakitate, have created the ultimate bread!"

"No!" cried another and slightly more stable sous-chef. "Nihon! What have you done!? You've doomed us all!"

The shopkeeper sagged. "Oh hell, here we go again. You better start runnin', Missus Mihama."

"Eh?" she said. "You mean you have a real Foreman-Starktech Mark VII Thermonuclear Convection Oven back there!? They're very dangerous!"

"I dunno," he replied, while strapping on a helmet, "but I ain't stickin' around to find out. Later!" He vaulted the counter and dove behind a nearby bank of flour sacks, inexplicably arranged to form a sort of blast shelter.

"Hey! Wait!" said Tomo. "My takoyaki!"

"And now," said the madman, "the final step! Switch…on!"

"Everyone duck!" squealed Chiyo.

_Whoomph!_ An angry flour, sugar and baking soda explosion roared from the back room, knocking passer-bys from their feet and exposing them to dangerous levels of carbohydrates.

Kagura coughed, waving powdered sugar out of her face. "I'll ask again, _why_ do we keep coming here?"

"You kiddin', Kags?" said Tomo, now floured head to toe. "This is the best part! Action breads! For action heroes!"

"Man, I shouldn't have ducked," said Osaka, who was spotless. "That looks like fun."

"Yes," said Yomi, flatly. She removed her powder-caked glasses, which, given the rest of the muck on her, made her look a bit like a racoon. "Very amusing."

"Um, I'm okay, Miss Sakaki," said Chiyo. "You can get off of me now." Sakaki, who had been shielding her, let go with reluctance.

The shopkeeper pulled a large paper fan from his robes and started clearing the air. "Nothing to see here, folks," he told passers-by. "Move along." This being Tokyo, they'd hardly noticed. "Sorry about that, Missus Chiyo. I'll just go and give young Nihon a good thrashing. Won't be a minute."

"Hurry up!" said Tomo. "Me wants me snackies!"

"You still want to eat here after that?" asked Yomi.

"Sure! Free sugar!" She licked herself. "Arm candy! Whee!"

Yomi rolled her eyes. _Ah well_, she thought, _at least it's distracted her from her ridiculous super-hero fetish. Although letting her near this much sugar could be dangerous, now that I think about it._

"Nihon!" roared the voice of the shopkeeper from the back. "What are you — holy Hostess on a stick! What is that!?"

An obviously unhinged man cackled maniacally. "It's alive! _Alive! _ARISE_, _BREADICRON!"

Then came an ominous rumbling, like a spicy vindiloo boiling in a Titan's cook pot. A tremor shook the earth. And then, after a moment's pause for the universe to catch its breath, a yeasty wave of breaded goodness vomited from the store, knocking the girls sprawling. Yomi smacked into a lamppost.

"Mrrrph!" cried a muffled voice from the kitchen.

"Oh no!" said Chiyo. "Mr. Rogers!"

"There goes the neighbourhood," quipped Osaka.(11)

"You okay, Yomi?" asked Kagura, helping her to her feet.

She squinted. "Why are there three of you?"

"My takoyaki!" roared an enraged Tomosaurus. "Give back my snacks, you crazed culinary colossus!" She smote the beastly bread-thing with a mighty shin-kick. _Bloop_. Her foot stuck in the fresh, fatty dough. "Wha-huh?"

_Boom, boom, boom_. The air quaked thrice as some unimaginable force burst through three floors of the bakery's building, shattering glass and floor tiles. Then a lumpy fist the size of a tractor smashed free of the wall, followed by a towering cube-like bread-man with black-olive eyes, giant teeth, gaping cinnamon mouth and angry eyebrows made of salami. This was too much for the normally stoic citizenry of Japan, who immediately began panicking in an orderly fashion.

"Run!" cried Kagura, tackling Osaka out of the way.

"Yomi!" screamed Tomo. "Get out of there!"

"Huh?" muttered Yomi, squinting myopically at her oncoming doom. _Crunch._ A 100-kilogram giant aluminium crème bun crushed her into the pavement.

Tomo choked, terrified. "_Yomi!_"

"_RRRAAAGH!"_ The bun rocketed skyward. A hideously strong and royally pissed off Koyomi Mizuhara crawled from the bread-shaped crater in the sidewalk, covered in dust, the remains of her terribly distressed uniform dangling leaf-like from her trunk-sized limbs. "Yomi LIKED THIS SHIRT!" she roared. She leaped into the air, intercepted the falling bun and spiked it into the beast's brain, where it bounced off.

A crazed voice shrieked with laughter. "Fools!" cried a mad baker riding the beast. "Nothing can stop Breadicron!"

"Nothing except Municipal Force Daitenzen!" shouted a voice from the crowd. "Daitenzen! A force for justice has arrived — argh!" The pointless cameo was immediately trampled by the fleeing mob.

"Go, Breadicron!" said the madman. "Smash the sweets shops, so that those fools at Sara Lee might shake with fear!"

"Blaar!" said the beast. It lurched free of the rubble, feet squelching as they cracked the pavement.

"Help!" squealed Tomo, still stuck in its foot. "I'm being bread-napped!"

Chiyo was at her wits end. "Ah! Miss Tomo! Mister Rogers! What do we do?!"

Yomi ground her teeth. "Yomi help Tomo, then BASH bread thing. Raargh!" She jumped, and earned a face-full of Breadi-fist for her trouble. "…Ow," she said from the pavement.

"Sakaki!" said Kagura. "Blast that thing!"

"What? N-n-no!" Sakaki shook her head furiously. "No, I can't! I can't let it out, it's too dangerous!"

She grabbed her by the lapels. "Any more danger and we're gonna be pancakes, girl!" she shouted. "Get off the bench and in the game!"

"Help us, Miss Sakaki!" pleaded Chiyo. "You're our only hope!"

She panicked. "I…I…ah!" _Thraka-BOOM!_ "Oh no…not again…"

"O-kay, slightly singed here," muttered Kagura, who had been standing a little too close to the blast of a million suns. "Now, go get 'im, Sakaki!"

She nodded, uncertain. "R-right, right." She hesitated. "Um, how?"

Kagura sputtered. "How should I know? I'm not Miss Living Laser! Just aim at it and think 'Mega Beam' or something!"

"Like this?" She raised a hesitant palm in its direction and squinted in concentration. "Um…m…m-m-mega beam? Please?"

_BWEEN!_ A 60-terrawatt-laser blast scythed through the beast's torso, filling the air with the smell of burnt toast. It kept going, slicing several apartment buildings in two and burning a thirty-kilometer trench onto the face of Mars. "No!" Sakaki cried, horrified. "Those people!" With a thunder-crack, she was gone.

"Huh," said Kagura. "Well, that didn't work. Osaka! Cast 'magic missile' or something!"

The sorceress shook her head. "My magic won't work on baked goods."

She made a face. "That…is the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Hey! Them whole-wheats is powerful mojo, man!"(12)

"No kidding!" growled Yomi, as the beast stumbled into an apartment complex. "Chiyo! You use brain, make bread boom! Kagura! You help Yomi — I mean, me — slow bread thing down."

"How am I supposed to do that!?" wailed Chiyo. "Ah! Wait! I've got an idea! Come with me, Miss Osaka!" They clambered into the destroyed kitchen.

"All right!" said Kagura, cracking her knuckles. "Let's get that thing, Yomi!"

"BLAAAR!" said the thing, as it stomped on a Starbucks.

She paused. "Wait, how the heck am I supposed to fight that?"

"Not that," grunted Yomi. "Him." She pointed to the mad baker.

"Oh, _him!_" She squinted. "Kinda scrawny, but wiry. I could take him easy, but how am I supposed to get up…wait, what are you — leggo — no, wait, aagh!" Yomi hurled her one-handed in the man's general direction.

Kagura splattered spread-eagled into the hide (crust?) of the Breadicron and clambered atop it. "Hey!" she yelled. "You, you bad guy, you!(13) Stop this crazy — woah! — thing or I'll, uh, kick you! In the junk!"

A flour-mad man cackled in response. "Never! This is my time! My hour! My cuisine shall rein supreme! Arise, mine Army of the Bread!"

Misshapen muffin men rose from the yeasty firmament, surrounding Kagura. "Thanks a LOT, Yomi!" she cursed, as they mobbed her.

Yomi cursed. _Should have thought that through. Could have hurt her bad! But brain think bad no smash hurt — argh! _She hurled a Honda Civic at the beast with a guttural "Raargh!" It bounced off its buttery hide and crashed into a Sanrio store, which then exploded for no apparent reason, hurtling pyrotechnic frogs and incinerated-yet-still-cuddly kittens everywhere. "Damn it! Need a plan B…Tomo!"

"Eyargh!" said Tomo, dragged along by the breaded behemoth. "Help me already!"

Yomi jumped, snagged Tomo's wrist and pulled. "Ow!" said Tomo, as she stretched like a rubber band. "Ow ow ow!" _Twang_. She whipped free, giving Yomi a nasty smack to the face that would certainly smart for days. "Sweet Sattanish, Yomi! You tryin' to kill me or something?!"

"Puny Tomo be quiet," she growled. "Me — I — can't think straight. Too angry. Want smash but…pronouns, damn it, pronouns…this thing's made of Nerf or something. You need to think of some way to stop this thing." _We're doomed_, she added, mentally.

"Bwuh-gah?" she replied, giving her a look. "How the heck do you expect me to stop that?!"

"You're the super-hero expert! Think!"

She did. "Well, I think the Fantastic Four fought something like this back in the Ditko era. Tall, but stubby legs, kind of tippy…that's it! We'll trip it! Quick! We'll need something long and stringy, like 1,200 feet of rope or —"

"You," grunted Yomi.

"— Yeah, or…wait a minute!" She screamed as the Mighty _Meganeko_ snatched her arm, whirled her overhead like a lasso and whipped her 'round the creature's leg. "Mrrglmrph!" she said, face embedded in crust.

"Hold tight!" yelled Yomi. She planted her feet into the pavement and pulled. _Doing_. The Takino-Grapnel went taut, and The King of All Kaiser Buns fell, slipping headlong into a just-renovated department store. "Uh, whoops?"

Tomo flopped to the ground like soggy soba. "I had a skeleton once…"

A girl screamed. Yomi looked up and saw, to her horror, that Kagura was plummeting to a nasty, messy doom whilst locked in mortal combat with an insane chef and several Pillsbury Dough-Boys. "I…HATE…BAKERS!" she roared.

_Thrack-koom!_ A bolt from the blue plucked Kagura from the air, roasted her opponents, and set her on the ground, all while simultaneously buttressing the crumbling building with several force-fields. "Are you all right?" asked the Sakaki-shaped thunderbolt.

"Lemme go!" she snapped, swinging at air. "I had 'em on the ropes! Lemme at 'em!"

"Please be more careful," she said.

"Hey, you zapped three buildings, Miss Safety Beam!" she countered.

Sakaki released her and turned away, slowly. "Yes," she whispered. "I know." And with a cannon-crack, she was gone.

"Wait! I didn't mean — aw geeze, me and my big mouth."

"Mwah ha ha!" A now-severely-bruised baker burst from the remains of a distressed newsstand, supported by one of his doughy creations. "Foolish girl! You think a mere three-storey fall is enough to stop me, the Breadmaster?"

"Well, yeah," Kagura replied, "seein' as both your legs look broken."

"'Tis but a flesh wound!" he boasted.

Kagura bounded over the rubble and beheaded the bread-thing with a vicious roundhouse kick. She grabbed the baker by the lapels before he fell. "All right, you, listen up! Your stupid antics just made me hurt one of my best friends, and I'll never forgive you for that!"

"Uh, he also kinda tried to kill you just now, Kags," added Tomo, who was still trying to find her legs (and arms, and spine, and proximal phalanx).

"You order that big brown thing to stop wreakin' stuff or I'll punch your lights out right now!" she continued.

He spat out some teeth and laughed in her face. "Ha! You don't have the guts, girl!"

Unfortunately for him, she did.

"Woah, nice punch," said Tomo. "Didn't we need him, though?"

"He deserved it," she huffed. "'Sides, guy starts talkin' sass like that, what am I supposed to do?"

"I dunno, maybe NOT punch his lights out so his giant monster doesn't rage out of control?!" As she spoke, the great beast rose to its feet, howled in rage and ploughed its face through an office tower.

"How was I supposed to know that would happen?" she howled.

"It's a giant monster! That's what they do! Oh crap! It's got a bus!" The yeast-beast had scooped a large yellow conveyance from the road. "There are still kids inside! He's throwin' it! Yomi!"

_No!_ thought Yomi, as the bus and its precious cargo hurled toward her. _Those kids! What, what do I do?! I…!_ And then her rage at the cruelty of it all boiled over, and she let her muscles take over. She leapt. Steel shrieked as her hands snagged the bus at the peak of its trajectory. Pavement snapped beneath her toes as she landed. Twenty tonnes of mass-transit cracked against the back of her head. She grunted, knees bent as she tried to absorb all the impact she could. Obviously, this hurt like hell.

"Damn," said Tomo. "Nice job, Yoms."

'Yoms' flinched as hot transmission fluid trickled into her eye. "No…call me…YOMS!" Furious, she tore open the bus's undercarriage, remembering at the last second not to smash the stupid thing to pieces on account of its occupants. "Puny ones okay?" she growled.

"Eeek!" squealed the kids. "Scary lady!"

"YOMI NOT SCARY!" she roared.

"EEEEK!"

_Damn kids_, she thought. She rocketed through the roof and landed outside. "WHERE PUNY BREAD MAN?" she growled. "ME MUST SMASH!"

"He's headed downtown," replied Tomo, "but, uh, you look pretty smashed yourself, Yomi. You feelin' alright?"

"YOmi IS FiNeeeuggh…" The ground spun. Tomo caught her, barely. "Wha…what's going on?"

"How many fingers?" asked Tomo, waving her hand before her.

"…Seven?"

"Could be a concussion," said Kagura, supporting her. "You've had a lot of blows to the head today."

"Puny…blunt trauma…no stop Yomi!"

"Yup, definitely delirious," said Kagura.

"Spoken like a true hero, Yomisicle!" cried a proud Tomo.

"But how are we supposed to stop that thing?" asked Kagura, as the ground shook from the collapse of Akbar's All-Day Take-Out Trepanatorium. "I don't think I can punch out someone that big."

"Don't worry!" said a tiny voice. "We have a plan!" Chiyo and Osaka jogged up to them, carrying a large bottle of pop, a wide PVC tube, and a bun wrapped in wax paper.

Kagura considered all this. "This is a plan?"

Chiyo nodded. "Mm! I realized that I could use Mister Roger's special oven and add an extra cup of flour to my recipe for Heisenberg's Uncertainty Ho-Hos to make this!" She unwrapped the paper to reveal a glowing bundt cake throbbing with ominous _wom-wom-wom_ noises. "You know how sometimes good cakes and buns just won't rise no matter what? Well, this is what causes it. Souffléshockium: the Baker's Bane!"

"I mixed the batter!" added Osaka.

"You were very helpful, Miss Osaka!"

"So, what, it's like antimatter or something?" asked Kagura. "We gonna have flaming croutons all over downtown? Sweet!"

"Not quite, but — goodness! Miss Yomi! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she grunted, getting to her feet. _I really am_, she realized. _That was quick_. "Hand over the bun and I'll ram it up that thing's rear."

She shook her head. "Oh no, Miss Yomi. This is much too dangerous for you to be that close when it activates. Don't worry, we've already figured out a delivery system. Ready, Miss Osaka?"

She saluted. "Heave-ho, captain!"

"Right!" She thumped her easy-bake doomsday device on the bottom of the pop bottle, dropped a full roll of Mentos(14) into the other end, and replaced the cap. Swiftly, she placed the now-rumbling bottle into the tube, which Osaka shouldered and aimed at Breadicron's gaping cinnamon-sugar maw. "Ready-aim-fire!" With a mighty carbonated _ka-fwoosh_ the improvised rocket launched from the tube, spraying pop everywhere, and slapped directly between Breadicron's salami eyebrows.

There was an immediate reaction. The creature's hide bubbled and burst. Yeasty gases roared forth from every pore. The thing roared and thrashed as its body collapsed in on itself like an imploding angel's food cake, crust cracking and crumbling away. Soon it was but the size of house, then a car, and then an exceptionally tall man.

And then, just as suddenly as it began, the shrinkage stopped. The creature grunted, flexed its hands, and roared. "Glaarblaargalagle!" It charged the girls, waving its arms in the air like it just didn't care.

"It's comin' straight for us!" said Tomo.

"Sweet!" said Kagura, cracking her knuckles.

"And now," said Chiyo, "phase two!" Just as the monster stomped within striking range, she whipped a pneumatic pastry gun out from behind her back and splattered it with a whole tube of frosting.

It skidded to a halt, stunned. "Blar?" It licked itself. "Mah-jik-cal-dee-lish-us?"

Chiyo grinned. "Nope! It's a pheromone designed to attract every pigeon in a 100-block radius!"

It blinked. "Bluh-oh."

A tidal wave of a thousand pigeons blotted out the sun. With a rush of wind on wings, it broke against the breaded-man like waves upon rock. It roared, swatting at the waves of beady-eyed death with clubby, chubby arms, but it was outmatched, the tiny beaks nibbling away his knees, eyes and limbs. The girls watched in horrified fascination as, within minutes, the beast's arms clenched, faltered, and sank beneath the feathered sea, its agonized screams fading into its depths. Soon, where once stood a Titan, there was merely a heaving mass of corpulent sky rats, pecking at their prey's corpse and cooing contently.

"I…I think I'm gonna throw up," said Tomo.

"You kidding?" cried Kagura. "That was AWESOME!"

Chiyo quivered. "My goodness, Miss Osaka…what have I done?"

Osaka patted her on the shoulder. "What you had to do. What you always do: turn bread into a fighting chance to live. Or, uh, something like that."

She sighed. "Ah!" she gasped. "I got some of it on my hands! Waugh!" And then the pigeons mobbed her.

Yomi was too exhausted to be surprised. _Pigeons, huh?_ she thought. _Wish I'd thought of that. Or thrown something bigger at it_. "Is…is it over?" she huffed.

"Not quite!" cried a voice from down the street. The inexplicably creepy Mister Rogers marched towards them, stepping around crushed masonry and flaming cars as if they were commonplace here (which, admittedly, they were). He stomped up to the mad baker and prodded him in the side with his boot. "Wake up, Nihon!"

The baker yelped and prostrated himself before him. "Spare me, Master Rogers!" he wailed. "I knew not what I did! A madness took me, brought on by bottle of curiously luminous club soda, and I forsook the Baker's Oath!"

"Wouldn't be the first time," he sighed. "Lay off the unidentified white powders, okay?"

"Want us to kick his butt?" asked Yomi.

He shook his head. "No thank you, Miss Mizuhara (that _is_ you, correct?), I will handle young Nihon's discipline myself. You're on muffin duty for a month!"

"Nooo!" wailed the baker. "Not muffins!"

"Good," said Yomi, "since I'm bushed." The green faded from her skin, and she shrunk down to her normal, now barely clothed self. She was trembling, partly from the cold and partly because she was sloughing off 100 litres of adrenaline. "Does…does anyone have a towel?" she asked.

"You could use me?" suggested Tomo, demonstrating.

"Like hell I would!" she snapped.

She felt someone tugging on her skirt. She turned, and saw a crowd of nervous miniature school munchkins looking up at her, some awed, some terrified. A little girl offered her a towel. It had cats on it. "Thanks," she said, accepting it.

"Thank yew for saving us, Miss Hero Lady," said the girl.

She blushed. "Uh, well, I didn't mean to, it was all kind of instinct and —"

The kid looked down. "You've got fat legs," she said.

Yomi twitched. "What!?"

"Now, now, Miss Hero Lady," mocked Tomo, "no squishing the civilians!"

"Thank you, Miss Fat-Leg Lay-Dee!" chimed the kids.

Yomi fumed, grinning through clenched teeth. "I hate my life."

"Help meee!" squealed Chiyo, fleeing hungry pigeons.

***

A long ways away, a blonde-haired megalomaniac was very pleased indeed.

She lounged on a blood-red chaise longue, displaying an indecent amount of skin as she did so. "We have found her, Yuumura?" she asked, speaking to a cloak of shadows on the steps before her.

The cloak parted, revealing a childlike, moonlit face. "Yes, my lady," she said, softly. "Our agents staged five events in Tokyo in order to draw out the one you desire. This footage," and here a nun wearing a chainsaw activated a nearby display, "was excised from a local security camera."

The woman watched with detached interest. The screen showed the awe and fury of Breadicron unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace. In the corner of the screen, a young student grabbed another by the lapels and shook her, only to have the second one explode in a flash of light. The woman smiled.

"We have examined her profile," continued the cloaked one. "I do not believe she will join us willingly."

The woman nodded, as if she'd expected this. "Summon the warriors three," she ordered, and then stretched. "There is much work to be done."

**(Footnotes)**

1. It's probably best that she doesn't know.

2. Imagine an immense bloated bumblebee after an explosion in a paintball factory. Aunt Miwa had absolutely no taste.

3. True, but Clause 77.2.1B clearly stated, "No rubber people. Gods, Reed Richards is so full of himself."

4. I'm looking at you, Marvel.

5. The main difference being the presence of the word "not." Oh, and the laughter — the terrible, twisted laughter that comes from those who have pierced the veil of the great mystery with the spear of science and glimpsed the brilliant, awesome majesty of all creation on the other side, or sniffed too much nitrous oxide.

6. It's true. Ask She-Hulk.

7. _Scientific American_, which, to Chiyo, was about as intellectually challenging as _Archie_.

8. In the Marvel Universe, a scantily clad chain-mail bikini woman who fights along Conan in an utterly platonic, non-sexual fashion. In the girls' world, noted action heroine and spokesperson for L'Oreal hair products — "Because Crom commands it!"

9. "Again" refers to the "erasing from history" bit, of course, although Ayumu Kasuga of

Earth 3678 did once morph the infamous train-robber Yukari Tanazaki into a species of mollusc.

10. Pretty much _the_ premiere scientific journal out there. They added a special culinary arts section to accommodate Chiyo.

11. _Author's note: Mr. Takizawa Rogers was a completely random joke character that I put into the story on a whim. Now, I like him so much he might get his own solo series. What's wrong with me?_

12. Hence why the Dread Dormammu always wields a Kaiser bun in battle.

13. She really needs a dialogue coach.

14. Obviously treated with her patented Time-Delay-Fuse Dressing so they wouldn't immediately react with the soda. Goes great with spinach, serves six.


	13. Strange Tales Number 2,378

**Chapter 13: Strange Tales Number 2,378**

Stephen Strange was afraid.

This in itself was not new; anyone who _didn't_ break out in a cold sweat when confronted by the teeth-gnashing skin-beasts from beyond the necrotic veil was either stupid, dead, or both. No, Stephen Strange was not a man without fear.(1) He controlled it, certainly, and channelled its energy into his tasks, but never sought to conquer it. Fear kept you in line, he had learned, forcing you to recognize your peril and focus on your situation. Fear reminded you that you were alive and the precarious nature of that state. Fear urged you to consider that the creature in front of you was, in fact, capable of erasing you from all existence with the mere _thought_ of a thought and, as such, should be treated with the utmost care and respect.

(Fear is also a wicked poker player and muffin maker, but that's beside the point.)

And so Doctor Strange, confronted by the latest in a long string of creatures able to obliterate his immortal soul as easily as he avoided malpractice suits, was afraid.

He was also a little embarrassed. _That_ was new.

"Err…" he said.

"I'm sorry!" said Sakaki, weeping on her knees with her face bowed to the ground. "I'm so sorry! I tried, really, I did!"

"Look, it really doesn't matter —"

"I couldn't ignore those people! They needed help! And I didn't mean to knock over those buildings, I swear!" She bowed again. "Please forgive me!"

"It is hardly my place to scold you for such a minor offence seeing how I exploded a planet."(2)

"But…all those people!"

"Were all found several blocks away completely unharmed, along with all their worldly possessions," he said, soothingly.

"R-really?" she sniffed. He nodded. "Thank goodness."

Strange shook his head. "Indeed, you even saved the goldfish. That is what I have brought you here to discuss."

The girl, still in her kitty-kitty pyjamas, looked around. "Where is…here?"

"Here" was a place where the sky was pink, the grass psychedelic and the trees a strange shade of blue. The sun wore an expensive pair of Ray-Bans, the birds played the violin, and the clouds grinned knowingly to themselves, obviously in on some cosmic joke. Off in the distance, some sort of perambulatory fungus hopped about in a large green shoe, chased by a fat Italian plumber.

"This," said Strange, "is the realm of Mayamoto, a demi-plane far removed from the waking world, deep in the country of dreams. It is a place where we can be safe from prying eyes, and may speak of important matters undisturbed."

She blinked.

He rolled his eyes. "It's a magical land from fairy world," he said.

"Oh. I see. But…why is there a caterpillar smoking a hookah on that mushroom over there?"

"That's Agamotto. Ignore him."

"Howdy, toots!" said the caterpillar, with a wink. She blushed.

"Nanashi," Strange said, "I would like to ask you a few questions about what you did yesterday. Not to scold you, but to further my diagnosis. Would you like to lie down?"

Sakaki looked at the nearby couch, which was striped, fuzzy, purple, and feline, with twelve legs and two tails. "N-no thanks," she said.

"Mrow," said the couch, disappointed.

Reclining in an invisible Laz-E-Boy, Strange plucked a pad and pen from the ether. "Now, please describe your thoughts and emotions during yesterday's events."

She tried. "It all happened so fast. I was afraid. I didn't want to change again, but I did. Then…then all I remember is light. Faces. Scared. And then I heard Kagura falling, so I caught her. I think there were some buildings too?" She shook her head. "I'm sorry, I'm no good at this."

"Then we shall go to the play-by-play," said Strange. "If you would look directly into my eyes, Nanashi?"

"Okay, but what — "

_It was back: the power of the sun in the palms of her hands. Her limbs tingled with energy, mighty levers ready to move the world with a single thought. She could see, hear, touch and smell everything so vividly; it was as if she'd had a head-cold all her life and had just had a shot of cosmic Sudafed._

"Agamotto, please stop editing her memories," said Strange.

"Come on, Steve-O!" said the caterpillar, who was apparently watching the playback on a 40-inch display. "That was a good one!"

Sakaki wavered, disorientated. "Eh? What? What's going —"

"Eyes here, please…"

_Scorched rubber and rubble stung her eyes and nose. She saw every piece of stone, every particle of dust as they tumbled from the surrounding buildings, smashed clear by the bread-creature's fists. She could even hear the blood surging through Kagura's veins, taste the adrenaline…and were those _thoughts_ she was hearing? "Kick ass! Ow! My eyes!" Yes, apparently. _

"_Zap it?" No! No, she couldn't do that. It's too cute to hurt, for one. Well, she could try. Let's see, there's the bread-thing…hmm, tastes like pumpernickel…now, raise the hand, point, envision atomic death …_

_Oops._

_And then she seemed to step outside herself. It was the only place she _could_ go, after all, to escape. The spikes of terror from those apartment dwellers stabbed right through her heart: first surprise, as the floors split in twain, then a rolling, rumbling terror as the walls came tumbling down. She saw quite clearly the fate of every one of those people: the young girl, arms raised and crying for her mother; the old man, still mystified by the now-half-a-television remote he was holding as the concrete plummeted towards his skull. She tried to turn away and shut her eyes to the horrors. "What have I done?! Those people! It's all my fault! I…I…" _

_A faint voice finished her thought: "I can't abandon them!"_

_Her body crossed the distance in an instant, shoving the air aside with a mighty _boom_. Sakaki watched, overwhelmed, as the other her flashed to every room in the apartment, snatching a child here, a grandparent there, depositing each in a nearby coffee shop that, in a few milliseconds, would be having its busiest day on record. Did she just _catch_ that building? And, oh, there's Kagura, that reckless girl, and, yes, she's got a point…_

"And then," finished Strange, reading from his notebook, "you rematerialized about a block away in a flash of thunder and light next to…" He squinted at his own writing. "…Next to a extra-large plush statue of Domo-kun, on sale for just ¥400,123. How appropriate."(3)

"And would'ja look at that catch!" cried the caterpillar, pausing the action on his TV screen. "All 13 stories with one hand, and not a brick outta place! That's _my_ Play of the Week, for sure."

"What was that?!" asked a bewildered Sakaki. "What, what just…?"

"A simple charm of recall," muttered Strange, writing some footnotes. "A modified version of Madden's Instant Replay dosed with 12 millithaums of the Mists of Morpheus. You simply relived the events of the last day."

"You…you could have warned me! That, that day…I didn't want to go back…" She hugged herself, shivering.

Strange paused in his annotations. "Now, Nanashi, I —"

"Please don't call me by my first name," she said. "It's very rude."

He sighed. _Note to self_, he wrote in his book, _find bedside manner_. "Madame Sakaki," he said, as gently as he could, "I apologize. I regret that one's manners tend to decay after a few thousand years of consorting with demons."

"He doesn't put the seat down either," quipped the caterpillar.

"_Thank you_, Agamotto, for that utterly inappropriate and embarrassing insight."

"Hey, I am the All-Seein' One, y'know."(4)

"That was not a compliment!" he snapped. He composed himself. "I thank you, Daughter of Sakaki, for your aid in my diagnosis."

"Mm," she replied. She watched a pair of blue suede shoes scamper by, pursued by giant feet. "Well?" she asked, after a few moments.

He had been dreading this moment. He paged through his notes again, hoping they had rewritten themselves somehow (which did sometimes happen when he used the wrong ink), but they had not. The same terrible truth stared back at him from the page, a truth so massive, so overwhelming that it could change the very nature of the universe itself.

So he lied.

"My results are…inconclusive," he said, carefully. "Your testimony suggests that, without conscious thought, you demonstrated the powers of flight, supersonic speed, hyper-sense, telepathy, telekinesis, teleportation, astral projection, energy projection, atomic manipulation and probability control, among others. It is possible that this is but a sample of your true capabilities. I will say that a person with any one of the abilities you demonstrated yesterday would be a formidable force. It is probable, daughter of Sakaki, that you have become one of the most powerful persons on the face of the Earth."

She blanched. "Oh."

"I do not, however, have enough information to explain _how_ you are doing this, or how you might stop. It is as if whatever you will to happen, does happen."

"Whatever I…!" She gasped. "But, but does that mean could I destroy the world by thinking about it?"

He considered his response carefully. "Do you want to?"

"No!" she said, horrified.

"Then you cannot," he replied. "The will, Daughter of Sakaki, is the product of the heart. I sense within yours a soul so gentle that it would weep at the fall of a sparrow and leap to the defence of any creature, no matter the danger. It is against your very nature to harm another. Nor it is your nature to withhold your hand when another needs it." He squinted. "There is also a lot about cats in there, for some reason. In any case," he said, clearing his throat, "you have nothing to fear. You are safe, as are those around you. And, with training, you shall learn to shape your will to your own purposes and gain control of your powers."

"But how long will that take?" she asked.

He sighed. "A long time, I admit." She sagged. "I _would_ ask you to stay out of the realm of metahuman adventure in the interim, but given who you are and where you live, that would be akin to asking the ocean not to make waves.(5) I will suggest, however, that you keep a low profile." He closed his book. "This is a lot to take in at once," he said. "We should continue this at another time. I shall return you to your pleasant dreams, already in progress."

"Wait!" He did. "Wait." She bit her lower lip, pensive. "Doctor Strange, please tell me this: will everything be all right? Will I…will my friends be safe?"

Strange thought back to his answer, already written in his notebook. "The future, my child, shall be what you make of it."

She thought this over. "That doesn't really answer my question."

"And yet it does," he replied. "And now, your dream has arrived to take you away."

A small purple kitten scampered up to Sakaki's feet and mewed. "Ah!" She reached down to pet it, and disappeared.

Strange slumped in his invisible chair. "By the Boisterous Beetles of Bubblewrat, I really hated doing that," he sighed.

"Y'know," said the caterpillar, "you got lousy handwriting."

"I what? Hey! Give that back!" He leapt from his chair and snatched for his notebook. The caterpillar twisted out of his way. "That's not funny!"

"Neither is you lyin' to that girl," said the caterpillar. "The truth's right here in your chicken-scratch, and you withheld it."

"It…it's just a theory," he muttered. "I don't have the evidence to know for sure yet."

"_Do not lie to Agamotto, Stephen Strange!_" The earth quaked as the caterpillar suddenly ballooned to enormous size, fur becoming spines, and spines becoming spears, its tiny, smiling mouth now a snarling pit of bone and hate. Its eyes, now murderous red, compounded a million times, and Strange's horrified expression showed in every facet. "Mine eyes reveal the truth, and they shall not abide your deception!"

Strange fell to his knees. "Forgive me, Lord Agamotto!" he cried. "Your servant forgot his place, just for a moment!"

"Dang straight you did," said the now-miniature caterpillar, sitting atop the mage's nose. "And next time you'll feel the backside of my whuppin' hand, son!"

"I am in awe of your munificence, All-Seeing One," he replied.

"And you're a huge butt-kisser," said the caterpillar, now back on its 'shroom. "But you know what happened to that girl, Strange. You felt it, and I felt it. That girl didn't change yesterday; the _universe_ did."

"I _know_," he replied, irritated. "And if I revealed that terrible truth to her all at once, her mind would shatter like stone beneath a titan's heel! And then there's no telling what could happen if that were to occur. I cannot allow that to happen!"

"True, dat." The caterpillar took a drag on its hookah. "So, what'cha gonna do?"

He hesitated. "I…I do not know. I said I would teach her, but with the stakes so high, I fear that may not be enough. I have not had much luck with apprentices, as you know."

The caterpillar grinned sideways. "I dunno, you ain't done too bad with the Kasuga kid."

"Ayumu?" He laughed. "I could hardly do worse. She has yet to master anything but the simplest of magics."

"Which is pretty good, considerin' what you're workin' with. Here, I'll show you." The caterpillar peered at its remote control. "Lessee, I think it's 'F1,' 'HVAC,' then 'Monitor 2,' right?"

"Oh hells, not another flashback…"

***

Ayumu Kasuga was dreaming.

And in that dream, she was a cardigan — an enchanted sweater from FabricLand whom, along with the heroic Socks of the Round Table, had just settled down to a game of Go with Her Royal Empress the Duchess of Ascot. But just as "Iron" Mike Tyson was bringing round the plate of Spanish scones (stolen from a chest deep within Davy Jone's hamper), she heard a familiar voice singing. _Grandma?_

The scones ate Tyson, the ascot became a black hole, and sock, shirt, and sundry all spiralled into the voracious vortex of Real Life. Ayumu returned to her six-year-old self, currently rolled sushi-like under the covers of a futon in her grandmother's temple-home in Osaka.(6) She rolled over, half-asleep. "Aw, come back, Sir Socks-A-Lot," she mumbled into her pillow.

But her ears insisted she get out of bed. _What are you doing, lying there dreaming? Get up and about! Somebody is singing!_ Convinced by the rhyme sung in three-four time, young Kasuga rose from her bed, visions of laundry still circling her head.

At this point, Strange, standing unnoticed in the corner, snatched the remote from Agamotto. "Options, Language, Doctor-Seussian, OFF!" he growled, as he worked the controls.

"You're no fun," said Agamotto, floating beside him.

Ayumu yawned. Stumbling through the dark, floorboards squeaking under her feet, she and her stuffed companion Bunny McSockersons half-stepped, half-trampled over her still-snoring parents, following the voice down the hall. Strange, she thought, how she could almost see the song before her: a faint, wispy thing, a zephyr's tail on the wind, swaying to the roll of the beat. She could almost reach out and touch it…

"'Zephyr's tail'?" asked Strange, following her.

"Kid's got one hell of a vocabulary," replied Agamotto.

She snatched for it, accidentally sliding open the outside door in the process. She gasped as the dawn's morning light stung her eyes. And then she gasped again at what she saw: a shadowed woman in a kimono, swaying upon a sea of ruddy gold, framed by the hot-steel fires of the rising sun. Her grandmother.

The old woman danced slowly upon the water, toes sweeping effortlessly from crest to crest. Wreathed in fire she seemed to be, her taut and tiny body silhouetted in the dawn's early light, the thin fabric of her kimono flowing about her. She held a parasol in her hands, satin red with sparkling chrysanthemums, one that Ayumu recognized as that moth-eaten dusty thing in the umbrella stand by the front door. She swept it through the air in a graceful, deliberate pattern — a bit like Mary Poppins would if she'd danced kabuki — each dip and curve timed to coincide with the beat of the ocean waves. And underneath it all was her song. Like the slow, gentle croon of a Chinese violin, every note was electric, crackling with life just as her voice crackled with age.

Ayumu shivered as they played their way up and down her spine. She did not understand the words, but felt their intent: joy at the start of a new day, peace like the silence just before dawn, and love, the warm embrace of Mother Sun as it hugged Little Earth. Only Strange heard the melody of regret that lay behind these notes of hope, for, as he knew, the start of a new day meant the end of another.

The old woman settled onto the water as she finished her song. Her robes faded to a moth-eaten green, and her umbrella became its old tattered self. She touched the parasol to her lips, once, and bowed before the sun.

Ayumu, face now radioactive with joy, applauded. "Yay Gran'ma! Yay!"

The woman turned, a sly grin creasing her already wrinkled face. "Why, hello, Ayu-chan, I didn't see you there. What are you doing up early?"

"Singin'!" she replied. "Socks!" she added.

"You heard me, little Ayu?" She smiled. "How very interesting…I had hoped you would."

"Gran'ma! Gran'ma! You were flyin'! And all glowy and stuff! Gran'ma was cool!"

She nodded, patiently. "And do you know _why_ Gran'ma was flying, Ayu?"

"Huh?" She thought long and hard about this. "Umm…because…uhh…takoyaki?"

"Close enough. Why don't you come out here for a moment?" And with a wave of her hand, the sea parted before her, and she floated down to the seabed. Awestruck, Ayumu walked over the wet sand, marvelling at how the waters washed upwards like a bad special effect.

"A-_hem_," coughed Strange, watching from the beach.

"Well it is!" said Agamotto. "It's right out of _Ten Commandments!_"

"It is an ancient spell guarded for generations that requires decades to master."

"And a bad special effect," insisted the caterpillar.

"And just _where_ do you think the director got his inspiration from?"

"Point."

"You see, little Ayu," said grandmother, "this is what we call _magic_. I am a shujenta, a magician, as all women of the Kasuga family have been since the very first sunrise."

Ayumu nodded, getting about half of that. "So mama can fly too?"

She shook her head, sadly. "No…she chose another path, that girl," she said, conversing with the distant horizon. "Which is why I hoped you would hear my song this day, Ayu. It means the Kasuga magic still sleeps within you. For centuries, the clan Kasuga has protected the mystic spirits of Japan from those who would harm them. Those spirits shape the land, sea, and sky, turn day into night and dream into reality. Many are those that would try to turn those spirits to their own ends, and always it has been the Kasugas whom have turned them aside. When your mother turned from the old ways, I feared our guardianship would come to an end, that I would be the last shujenta of the Kasuga line." She sighed, but then brightened. "But now I have hope — hope in you, little Ayu, that you will take up the rod and carry on our line." She turned. "Well, Ayu? Will you join me? Will you learn from me the mystic ways of old?"

"Hi fishy!" said Ayumu, waving at a passing trout.(7)

Grandmother cleared her throat. "Ayumu?"

"Wawuwawuwawuwawu," she replied, sticking her face inside the wall of water and letting it drum against her chin.

"Ayumu!"

"Huh?" Grandma waggled her parasol. "Yah! Yah! Flyin' magic Gran'ma fishies, Yeah!"

"Good," she said, smiling. She passed her granddaughter the umbrella. "Then why don't you give it a try?"

"Huh? Waagh!" The walls wriggled like Jello before the sea, irritated at being so rudely shoved aside, slapped its hands together with a great wet crash. Ayumu flailed to the surface seconds later, sputtering. "Waah! Gran'ma!"

"Lesson one," said grandmother, hovering nearby. "Always pay attention when your elders are speaking. Understand, Ayu-chan?"

"Ah get it! Ah get it! Waaugh!"

And then time blurred and the world warbled as Agamotto hit the fast-forward button. "Hah! Whadda woman!"

Strange nodded. "Wakahirume Kasuga. Possibly the last in a line of Japanese sorcerers that claim descent from Amaterasu herself."

"_And_ a heck of a gambler."

"I should never have played strip-poker with that woman," he said, shuddering. "But you are correct; she knew the odds, and played them well. She knew she did not have long in this realm, and so one night she came to me with an offer: her knowledge of the Kasuga way, in exchange for my scholarship of Ayumu. And so it was, three years later, when she ascended to the plains of the white forest, that I did begin my education of Ayumu Kasuga."

"Man, this cracks me up every time I see it!" cackled Agamotto, doubled over with laughter. "Look! She's got you down to your gym shorts already!"

"Damn it, Agamotto, stop replaying the worst moments of my life!" snapped Strange, as he watched his double about to lose that final, terrible hand. "If there is a point to this flashback of yours, get to it, already!"

"Sure you don't want to see it in slo-o-o-w motion?" teased the caterpillar, advancing the scene frame-by-frame. "Oh, fine, here, I got it bookmarked. Behold, your 32nd training session with Ayumu Kasuga, age 13!"

Strange watched as the rushing world snapped to a halt before him, stopping at a very familiar place: his home, specifically his study. Onyx gargoyles and marble chimera glowered from shadowed nooks in the mahogany walls. Watch carefully, he knew, and you could occasionally see one of them blink.(8) Voluminous hide-bound tomes, some marred by fire or splattered with blood, loomed on sagging shelves, the foul words within them rattling their covers and whisper obscenities to each other in the dark — the worst ones bragging about the size of their appendices. Strange noticed his long-lost copy of Catcher in the Ryenext to a 4th-edition Necrotelicomnicon and made a note of it for later.

A pentacle of EPA-approved dribbled candles on the well-worn floor radiated just enough sputtering light to teach by. Seated inside it were an exhausted Ayumu Kasuga and a double of himself. Around them were what appeared to be several black felt disks with holes blown in the middle of them.

Strange settled into a corner of the room. "I remember this," he said. "It was my first attempt to teach her a basic incantation after months of theory." He sighed. "I still haven't replaced that poster."

"Good, because it sucks," said Agamotto.

The double set a top hat on the floor. "Let's try that again," he said to Ayumu. He snapped his fingers, and a small white rabbit wearing goggles and a crash helmet hopped into it. "Now, remember, Ayumu, as you chant the mystic mantras, visualize the spell matrix in your head. Scribe the necessary instructions to the nature spirits upon the ether, and they shall grant you their power. Accept it, and channel it into your incantation to make your subject…disappear. Begin."

"Okay," she sighed. She stifled a yawn, and held an old, tattered umbrella before her. A thin trail of purple stars trailed from its tip as she waved it over the hat, eyes furrowed in concentration. "Al-a-kah-zoom," she chanted, "al-a-kah-zam, dread Yog-Soggoth, thee I command: I am the portal, I am the gate; take now yon rabbit to…to…um…uh…"

The hat started to smoke. The rabbit sniffed nervously. "Cancel the spell!" urged the double. "Dismiss it!"

"Oh! Ah, um, er, I, ah…ahh…ah-choi!" She sneezed.

It was a spectacular explosion. A coruscating fireball mushroomed from the top-hat and blasted a ragged hole through a life-sized poster of David Copperfield mounted on the ceiling.

"Waagh!" said Ayumu.

"By Mephisto's spleen!" cursed the double. He sprayed the flaming hat with a fire extinguisher (AKA the Flames' Bane Brazier of Home Depot). "Super Dave!" he cried. "Super Dave, are you all right?" A blackened, smouldering paw gave a paws-up from the wreckage. "Thank the Vishanti!" A couple of mice dragged the wounded stunt-rabbit into a tiny ambulance.

Ayumu clutched her umbrella, trembling. "That…that was scary…"

"No, Ayumu, that was _stupid_!" snapped the double. "For five months I have trained you in the intricacies of this ancient rite, one of the foundational spells of modern thaumaturgy, and you have yet to master the basic incantations! And now I am completely out of rabbits! Wong will have a fit when he sees Mister Fluffums tomorrow morning," he added, muttering.

"Ah, ah, ah'm sorry," she sniffled, on the verge of tears. "But it's so hard, all them long words, they get jumbled up, an' the smoke tickled my nose…"

"Honestly, Ayumu, get it together, please!" The double took a moment to compose himself. "Look, maybe we'd better call it a night. I can see you are in no condition to continue this lesson."

"Ah'll promise I'll try harder next time," said Ayumu. "I will! Ah swear I will!"

"Of course you will, Ayumu."

_And she did_, thought Strange. _So much time and effort did she pour into her studies that she began dozing off in class._ He sighed. _Not that it made any difference. It took her years to manage a simple spell of levitation. Her mind has no focus. It wanders incessantly. And a wandering mind cannot walk the straight path of magic._

"However…" The double snapped his fingers. The candles snuffed out. "I do not believe there should be a next time, Miss Kasuga."

"Huh?"

Strange blinked. "Wait a minute, I don't remember this happening…"

"Everyone has the potential to use magic, Ayumu," said the doctor, "but few, if any, ever realize it. It is my professional opinion that you are not one of those people."

"Huh? Wh-what does that mean?"

The double looked straight in the eye, as if giving a dying man his grim diagnosis. "It means, Miss Kasuga, that you are a failure."

The word drilled straight though her heart and drained all life from her cheeks. "Wh…what?"

He snapped to his feet. "A failure, Miss Kasuga!" he shouted. "A worthless, addle-brained little girl that has wasted far too much of my time already! Get out!"

She flinched as if struck. "B-but, but, gran-ma —"

"— Was a fool of a woman whose faith was obviously misplaced! You are not the girl she thought you were, Ayumu. You are not special; you do not have the potential to succeed at the mystic arts, or at any art, for that matter. You are a plain, ordinary, boring girl with a dull mind and, I might add, looks to match. You will not find love, you will not find happiness, and you certainly will not live up to your grandmother's expectations." He looked down his nose at her in disgust. "And if she were alive to see you today, she would be ashamed."

Ayumu could not stop the tears. "Th-that's ain't so!" she wailed. "Please, someone say it ain't so!"

"No!" Strange sprang from his spot and wrapped her in his arms. "No, it is not so, Ayumu, daughter of Kasuga!" He snarled. "And _this_ was not so, Agamotto! I know not your reasons for this trickery, but this was not the way that day unfolded! I never said those words to her!" He whirled about, searching for the caterpillar. "Agamotto? Agamotto!"

The double laughed to himself. "Ah, but there was no need for words, Stephen Strange. The thought was there, deep within your mind, whispering in your ear, poisoning every look and word. She is not so scatterbrained that she would not notice. And do you seriously believe she has not harboured such thoughts on her own, from time to time?"

"You words have no more truth to them than you, imposter!" cried Strange. He lashed out, emerald electricity crackling from his fingers, and was stunned when it washed harmlessly off his doppelganger. "Who are you?" he demanded. "By the Vishanti, I command thee: speak!"

The doppelganger cackled. Black, oily smoke poured from beneath his cloak, shrouded his mortal form and blotted out the room. His flesh deliquesced to a foul smelling dripping tar, bubbling with an oppressive, sulphuric heat. Where once was the aged, moustachioed and (if Strange could say so himself) handsome face of Doctor Strange was now a thing of bone and liquid night, a jutting, jeering skull, its wise old eyes now naught but windows into the long dark teatime of the soul. Nimble fingers, that, years before, saved countless lives with their medical skill, now snapped and crackled as they grew to long, blackened scythes, ready to reap those very same souls. Its voice was a tortured howl, the wail of crushed souls backed with the tears of broken hearts. "I am the fear within your heart. I am the doubt within your mind. I am the future that awaits you all! I am…DESPAIR!"

Strange gave the creature a look. "No you're not. Despair is a manic-depressive schoolteacher in Tokyo and a patient of mine."

The foul creature blinked. "No, seriously man," it wailed, "I'm Despair. With a capital 'D.'" It waggled its fingers. "OooOOoooohhh…"

"Wait a moment, that smoke…" He sniffed it. "It smells of the Mists of Morpheus! And if they are here, then this is a dream! And if this is a dream, then you are…_Nightmare!_"

"Damn!" said the creature. "You figured it out. Guess I'll have to kill you now."

Now it was his turn to laugh. "Ha!" said Strange. "Your power is in secret, and your secret is your power, Nightmare! You have no hold over me, now that I have exposed this as a dream."

The nightmare-that-walked thought this over. "Yeah, but this isn't _your_ dream, Strange!" He threw wide his cloak, and out spilled seven-headed horrors with a hundred arms and a thousand eyes, every pore oozing with black ichors, every mouth wailing with the pain of those whom have looked upon their works, however mighty, and despaired.

Strange shoved Ayumu to safety and summoned all his phantasmal defences. But the slimy fists where everywhere, grabbing, pinning and punching. "Flames of — oof! By the — ow! Oh, for the love of — argh!"

The dark beast shook with maniacal laughter. "It is useless, Strange! Dreams never die, and the Nightmare never ends!"

"Hope is never lost!" he cried, although, he admitted to himself, it was often tough to find when your face was pressed into an abomination's armpit. "And this fight is not yet over!"

"True…you are but an appetizer, and I have yet to start on the main course!" The creature lurched to one side and, limbs squelching and smoking, stalked towards young Ayumu Kasuga, who was lying weeping on the floor. Two pale tongues spotted with black boils slithered across its fleshless lips lasciviously. "Such delicious despair you have within you, child…share it with me!"

"No! Ayumu!" He struggled to free himself. "Ayumu! It's a dream! He can't hurt you if you know it's not real!"

Ayumu dried her eyes on her sleeves. "H-huh?" She looked up. "Waaugh!"

"No! Don't run, you idiot! That never works! Argh!" One of the beasts had head-butted him in the groin, and Ayumu had tripped over her own feet. "Wake up! It's your only chance! Wake up, now!"

The nightmarish thing slithered forward, dripping terror and drooling despair, salivating at its coming feast as it backed Ayumu into a corner. "Fear! The best condiment since Nutella! Come, child; give in to your despair. Give in…to ME!"

Ayumu shut her eyes tight and screamed, "Help me, Sir Socks-A-Lot! You're my only hope!"

_Poof!_ Bunny McSockersons, in his secret identity as Sir Socks-A-Lot, appeared in a puff of smoke before her, cardboard katana and buckler at the ready.

"G-get him, Sir-Socks-A-Lot!" she cried.

Sir Socks-A-Lot sized up his opponent, then gave Ayumu the most incredulous look he could muster (which wasn't very good at all, since he had beads for eyes).

"He's the master of dreams, Ayumu! You can't fight him that way!"

"Indeed," said the nightmare. It brushed the bunny aside. "Away with thee, figment of the imaginatio — OW!" Sir Socks-A-Lot had bit its bony hand. "How did you — you don't even have teeth!"

The rabbit drew his sword, which, against all logic, flashed in the moonlight. It went "_ka-SHING!_" of course. Then he sprinted up the arm, raked the blade through the bituminous flesh, leapt to the side to dodge a swat from the other hand and slashed the nightmare across its chest.

The creature howled in shock. "What, what the heck is going — guh!" Sir Socks-A-Lot winged his mighty shield into his opponent's chin as he fell and stabbed it in the foot. It then proceeded to hack its way up both legs, leaping nimbly from ankle to knee to hip, slashing all the way. "Ow! Eek! Sonofa!" It kicked off the hips, performed a twisting-tornado spiral cut up the midsection, caught its shield in midair, smashed it into the thing's forehead, and kicked off to land on Ayumu's head in a position that once made the Top Ten Most Badassed Poses list in Samurai Weekly.

Ayumu clapped. "Yay!" Sir Socks-A-Lot bowed.

The nightmare snarled, clutching at its utterly superficial but apparently quite painful wounds. "Of all the unbelievable…_to my side_, my Hundred-Handed Ones! Tear this, this, this whatever-it-is limb from limb!"

But as they relaxed their grip in that one moment, Strange heaved them aside in a sudden burst of strength. "_Flames of the Falantine!_" Righteous fires swept from his hands, incinerated the beasts' flesh and sending them screaming back to the blackness whence they came. "You are a fool, Nightmare, to underestimate a sorcerer supreme…or his apprentice!"

The nightmare snarled, his flesh bubbling and twisting with rage. "_What?!_ This…_thing_…this _nothing_ of a human child…is your _student!_"

"Yes!" he shouted, shocked at his own earnestness. "One of my best!" _By Hoggoth, did I just say that?!_

The beast roared. Black blood twisted 'round his arm, which formed into a hateful scythe that he swung at Ayumu's neck. _Wah-CHING!_ It screamed, black ichors spraying from its stump of a limb from where the mighty rabbit cleaved it in two. "Im…impossible!" it gurgled, as it stumbled away from her. "I am the Lord of Nightmares! The realm of the sleeping is mine to command! None can surpass my power! How have you done this? How!?"

Ayumu considered this. "Umm…melon bread? Finish 'im off, Sir Socky-san!"

The rabbit nodded, and sounded a horn it plucked from behind Ayumu's ear. The eleven other Socks of the Round table appeared with a thunderclap, weapons shining, floating in mid-air, resplendent in their cotton-and-nylon armour. There was Sir Nike, with his shining scythe; Lady Rayon, with her fiery crayon; and Ulthar the Unpaired, with his writhing chain-blade wrought from the damned (and repeatedly darned) souls of missing socks everywhere. The rabbit bellowed his battle cry, "!!!," and the Squadron Sartorial charged, screaming righteous vengeance.

"Seriously, what the hell is going on here?" asked the nightmare.

Strange shrugged.

The foot-soldiers flashed past the creature's body, attacking too quick to be seen. The blows flashed like lightning in the heart of a storm. Again and again they struck from every angle, sometimes in pairs, and (in the case of Squire Fruit-of-the-Loom) sometimes _with_ pears, chained together like nunchaku. Soon the creature geysered with dark blood, gushers of crude issuing from every wound. Then, at last, the knights fell to their knees around Sir Socks-A-Lot, weapons raised in salute. Fantastic _ki_ forces(8) channelled into him, engulfed his fuzzy form, and transformed him into a titan. His tiny form smashed through the roof, splintered the walls, and towered amongst the stars in the heavens, his beady eyes like black moons, his rayon muscles thick as trunks, his cardboard blade long as the Earth itself. The scintillating fires of the aurora borealis caressed his mighty form, as if welcoming back their king. Sir Socks-A-Lot slowly raised his heaven-cutting sword overhead, paused, and then struck, stopping the blade millimetres from the nightmare's rotted nose before reconsidering and kicking it in the crotch instead.

The fiend splattered. Corrupt blood painted every wall of Strange's ruined sanctum, instantly transforming it into a lost work by Jackson Pollock.

A tiny, oil-slicked creature cannoned out of the slimy explosion like a musket ball fired through a sock full of custard. It smacked into a wall, stuck for a few seconds, and slid down with a comical squeegee-on-glass noise.

Strange approached it with caution. "Stand and deliver, foul creature of the night," he said. "Your illusion is shattered, your dark schemes undone. I should have known from the start that you were not Nightmare — never would he admit his true identity, for that is the secret of his power. Nor would he be so foolish as to attack a student under my care. So, face me, imposter! By the Eye of Agamotto, I command thee! Reveal thyself to — oh. It's you, Gan."

The tiny figure, apparently some sort of rat dressed as Freddy Krueger, shook his paws in defiance. "Curse you, Strange!" he squeaked. "And curse you, Ayumu Kasuga! You may have foiled my plans this night, but you haven't seen the last of me! No one can defeat me, Iwata Mitsuo, the Master of Dreams! _No one!_ Ah ha ha ha ha!"

A very small woman with hair that sprung forth like a flower knocked him flat with a squeaky mallet. "Naughty Gan!" she scolded. "No cheese for you tonight!"

"B-but Miss Belldandy…!" he snivelled. "That little girl was mean to me!"

Ayumu waved. "Hi tiny lady!"

"Sorry about that," said the lady, bowing.

"The fault was mine, my lady," replied Strange, bowing in return. "I should have kept closer watch over my student."

The lady smiled, cheeks dimpling. "She's doing very well, Stephen. Have more faith in her." Before Strange could respond, the lady took the rat by the hand and lead him through a door that wasn't there a second ago. "Come along, Gan-chan." And so they left, the mad rat muttering unintelligible apologies as they did.

Strange sighed with relief. "Well, that was unexpected."

Agamotto plopped onto his head. "Nah, pretty predictable, as far as cameos go."(10)

"_You!_" Strange tried his best to throttle the creature. "Where in the name of Mephisto's fiery jock-strap were you!?"

"Makin' nachos," said the caterpillar, which was now across the room sitting in Strange's Ruby-Wracked Recliner of Raggador with a plate of chips and dip on his stomach. "Why?"

Strange dashed the plush toy he realized he was trying to choke to death to the ground. "I…you…the thing…gah!" He spasmed with barely suppressed rage. "Hate…you…so…much!"

"Aggy-mojo!" said Ayumu, running over to him. "Gimmie five!" He did, and, considering his number of hands, this took some time.

"What is the meaning of this, Agamotto?" seethed Strange. "You turned a flashback into a dream and threatened my student with that creature? Why?"

"Hey, I had nuthin' to do with that guy," he said. "Saw it was happenin' so I changed the channel, so to speak. Besides, I think the kid did pretty well, don't you?"

"_You_…have a point," he replied. "But wait…if this is a dream, _her_ dream, and it isn't a recreation, then this is the real Ayumu."

"Hi Steve!" she said. "What up?"

"But how is that possible?" muttered Strange, lost in his own thoughts. "She has never shown such skill with the mystic arts before. How did she do that?"

"Hey, Steve, me and the socks are gonna go over to Valhalla-land. Wanna come?"

"Mm? Go ahead, Ayumu, I'm busy."

"'Kay!" Ayumu boarded a nearby cloud-bus with her fellow knights. "Valhalla, ho!"

"Ya got chance for the fare?" asked the driver (an octopus). After a brief conference, Sir Sock-Fulla-Pennies agreed to pay the tab.

Strange watched, dumbfounded, as the bus rambled into the sky and did a gravity-slingshot around the moon, vanishing in a point of light. "All right," he sighed, "I admit that I'm completely lost now."

"Y'know, Steve-O," said Agamotto, "for a doctor, you sure can be pretty dense sometimes."

He sighed, sensing a lecture coming on. "Enlighten me, oh all-seeing one."

Agamotto popped open a beer. "Magic, Stephen Strange, is everywhere. It is a force subject to no other, yet master over no one. Science binds it, mages command it, yet it itself is never chained, always one step beyond their limited realms of possibility and logic. It is limitless, and only those with a limitless imagination can truly comprehend it. And here, in the land of dreams, free from the chains and shackles of her own reality, that little girl can become the woman she has always wished to be."

Strange thought on this for some time. A red tortise shell spun past in pursuit of a small, terrified go-cart. "You know, that made precisely no sense at all. In fact, my mystic senses tell me that just now, in a distant land and time, Logicus, Lord of Reason, just spun a little in his grave."

"I know," said Agamotto, grinning horribly. "He hates it when I do that. And man, oh man, will you be kicking yourself when you figure it out. I got it cued on my TiVo if you wanna see it now?"

"All I want to see now is a hot bath and a large bottle of painkillers," muttered Strange.

"Gee, that's too bad," mused Agamotto. "'Cause what you're gettin' is anything but."

"What?"

At that moment, a moustachioed plumber sitting in an oversized green boot stomped him on his head. The dream-world shattered, and Strange tumbled to the floor, back in the real world of his study on Bleeker Street.

"You know," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head, "there are _nicer_ ways to boot a man out of your home dimension."

_I know_, said a phantasmal voice, _but I'm an ass. Although I am truly sorry for what must happen next, Stephen Strange_.

A prickling behind his ears told Strange he was not alone. He rolled into a crouch and jabbed his hands at a shadow in the corner of the room. Someone gasped in surprise. Red ropes of power whipped from his fingers round a cloaked figure that had just stepped forth from the darkness. "You picked a bad night to burgle the home of the sorceror supreme, thief!" Strange told the struggling figure. With a gesture, he removed the figure's hood, revealing the face of a young Japanese woman, somehow lit by moonlight despite the complete absence of any windows. "Explain yourself, child!" he demanded. "Who are you?"

The woman ceased her struggles. Her eyes softened, and she looked upon him with an expression of sadness and pity utterly unbefitting of one in her precarious position. "I am…a distraction."

"_Release her, Stephen Strange._"

The words were lightning down his spine. Before he realized what they were doing, his hands had dispelled the bonds round the dark intruder. He stared at them, shocked and betrayed. "What?!"

"_Now, stand._" His legs brought him to attention. "_Turn and face me._" He did, although every fibre of his being fought against it.

Before him, somehow unnoticed up until now, was a woman in a red dress. Unlike those of her companion across the room, there was no pity in this woman's eyes. Strange saw in them naught but steel blue determination, indestructible rings of domination that bound his body to the spot. His mind raced to decipher what she was doing to him. _Magic? No, I'd sense it. Technology? No, doesn't smell like it. How? How is she doing this?_

And then the phantasmal voice whispered in the ear: _Words of Command, Steve-O._

He choked. "H-how?" he whispered. "No creature that lives can behold those words, and to actually speak them would shatter the strongest mind!" And that was when he saw it: there, in the dark pits of those steel-rimmed eyes, the distant spark of madness.

_I am truly sorry, Stephen Strange_, said the voice, _not only for you, but for your student as well. Her trials ahead will be severe, as shall those of her friends. The fate of all reality shall be in the hands of the woman before you, and it shall be up to them to take it back. Their chance is slim, almost nonexistent, but I have permitted what has befallen you tonight because it is the sole way that chance could occur. It shall be some time before we meet again, sorceror. Until then…make sure you record _Lovecraftian Idol_ for me, m'kay?_

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" he choked.

The woman slinked close and took his chin in her hand. Sweat beaded down his forehead as he drove himself mad, struggling to think of some way to get away. She smiled, leaned close to his ear, and whispered three words: "Stephen Strange…_forget_."

And he did.

**(Footnotes)**

1. Neither was Daredevil, actually.

2. It's true! See _Marvel Premier 9_ in the _A Separate Reality_ trade paperback! And he killed the planet beforehand too!

3. Oh, come on! At least one of you must have recognized what I based Breadicron on, right? Right!? (_sobs quietly_)

4. Agamotto, known as the All-Seeing, is one of the three members of the Vishanti, a group of extra-dimensional god-or-god-like beings that keep watch over the universe. He usually manifests himself in whatever form his viewer deems appropriate; in Strange's case, he appears as a caterpillar from _Alice in Wonderland_. He is directly responsible for the creation of many of Strange's most powerful artefacts, including the Eye of Agamotto, the Orb of Agamotto, and the rarely used Toothpick of Agamotto, which has the dreaded power to point out bits of spinach stuck in your teeth at the worst possible moments.

5. I.e. too much paperwork.

6. For those of you not paying attention, Ayumu Kasuga is known as Osaka since she's from Osaka.

7. Exactly how a freshwater trout happened to end up in Japanese coastal waters at that moment is the subject of intense historical debate. Some historians claim it was an advance scout of the Skrull invasion fleet of 2008, while others think it was Prince Namor himself after an accident with a Wand of Polymorph. Prof. Ernest T. Thundergasm asserts that the fish was a continuity error written in by a cosmic director who couldn't be arsed to research Japanese ichthyology, but no one listens to him because he has bad hair.

8. Followed by hails of derisive laughter from its cohorts, of course, since the first one that blinked had to buy the beer for that year's Super Bowl.

9. Tide Extra Strength.

10. See _Noir: Contracts_ on this very same site, Merry Marvellites! And buy all the variant covers!


	14. The Warriors Three: the Wild Hand

**Chapter 14: The Warriors Three: the Wild Hand**

Sakaki smiled in her sleep. In her dreams, she soared through jam-coloured clouds at the side of Princess Petunia, plum-loving pussycat from Petagogoland. She nuzzled her pillow, rolled over, and fell out of bed.

She was on her feet in a flash, literally. "Wha? Cat? Where?" And then she saw her star spangled hands and the state of her bed, and sighed. Then screamed, of course, since it was on fire.

"Ah! No! No no no!" She flailed at the flames with the closest thing at hand, only to scream again when she realized it was her precious Marco the Tomcat doll. _Stop stop stop!_ she thought. A golden light flashed from her hands and smothered the flames. _Well. That was easy._

"Nanashi?" came a voice from downstairs. "Nanashi, is everything all right?"

"Ah! Y-yes, yes mother, I'm fine!"

"Are you sure? You sound nervous."

_Ah! She's right outside the door!_ "Yes! Yes! I'm great!"

"I smell smoke?"

"It's, ah, it's, uh, incense?" _I've got to get back to normal!_ She tried desperately to calm down, which, of course, never works.

"Are you on the drugs, dear?"

_If only it were that simple!_ "No, mother!" Heightened by fear, she could already hear the cries for help in her head: traffic accident in Shinjuku, lost child in Ikeburo. _Ah, go away, go away!_ she thought. _It's too early in the day for this! Go away!_

Another flash. She gasped, for now she was no longer alone in her room. Another figure, a young woman, her skin bright as light and her eyes and hair dark as space, stood before her, seemingly just as surprised as she was. "Who…?" And then she realized she could _also_ see herself standing there in her kitty-kitty pyjamas, hair dishevelled from a night's sleep and completely confused as to what was going on. _Is that…me?_ She waved her hand, and saw herself waving back. _What in the world…?_

A crash outside the window. Little Ichiro down the street had fallen from his bike and scraped his knee, poor thing. She leapt out the window to help him and —

"No! Wait!" Sakaki leapt for her doppelganger, too late, as it flashed through time and space to slap a Band-aid on the lad's knee at the speed of thought. She tripped over the bed, dizzied from seeing through two sets of eyes at once.

"Sakaki?" The door creaked open.

"Ah! No! Don't!"

The pink-gingham egg known as Mrs. Sakaki poked her head into the room. Myopic eyes floated over tousled sheets, an open window, smoke in the air and her 18-year-old daughter, sprawled on the floor and red as a beet. "You know, dear, I would have been perfectly fine if you'd walked him out the front door instead."

Shock, relief, and a distant thunderclap crashed over Sakaki's face, leaving it something of a train-wreck. "…What?"

"The young man, of course." She hovered over to straighten out the bed. "You don't have to play coy, dear. I'm actually relieved; your father and I thought you'd never settle down with someone. Do tell him to stay for breakfast next time, will you?"

She gaped wordlessly. "Um…okay?"

"No need for embarrassment, Nanashi," she said, finishing with the sheets. She laughed quietly to herself. "Oh, if you knew of the little trysts your father and I had when we were your age, you'd — ah, maybe when you're older." She eased herself down onto the floor next to her. "Really, though, I'm happy for you. I'm sure he's a wonderful man."

"Yes," she said, carefully. "Total hunk." _The double vision's gone. Does that mean that the other me…?_

Mrs. Sakaki stared at her, askance. She couldn't bring herself to meet her mother's gaze. "I see," she said, with a beatific smile. She rolled slowly to her feet and ambled out the door. "Well, breakfast is ready downstairs, dear, whenever you are."

"Wait."

She did.

"I…I have something to tell you, mother."

Mrs. Sakaki nodded. She sat down on the bed, patting a spot beside her. Sakaki took it, towering over her in the process. "Take your time, dear."

She chewed her lips for a time. "I…where do I even start?"

"Well," breezed her mother, "I imagine it has something to do with your strange and unusual powers, correct?"

She jumped. "How did you…?"

"Sheets don't burn themselves, you know," she replied, amused. "And I doubt _any_ man could raise the ruckus I heard a few minutes ago. Oh, unless it was that Thor fellow. I hear he's quite a dish."

_I can't hide anything from you_, thought Sakaki. _I'm glad_. She exhaled. "Something…strange…has happened to me. I don't know how to describe it. But now," and here she took a deep breath, bracing herself for what came next, "now I have these…powers, I guess. I can…sense…things as they happen. Danger. Fear. And I can stop it. I seem to think it, and it happens. I…I can _fly_, mother! And, and I glow! I, uh, can't show you right now because I'd incinerate you, but, um…" _That...was not appropriate_. "You, you don't believe me, do you?"

"Oh, my little baby," she cooed, "come here." There followed a big, loving hug, although most of the "big" was on Sakaki's end. "Of course I believe you, dear."

"You…you do?"

She nodded, and smiled. "I've known for years that this day would come."

_Blink blink_. "Really? Then you know what's happened to me?"

"Of course. Your grandmother thought it would come to your cousin Kikasa, of course, but I always knew it would be you."

"'Grandmother'?"

"It's also a little different from what was described in the Scrolls of Ku'un-Lun, but I imagine everyone's experience is different."

"'Scrolls of'…mother, what are you talking about?"

"I imagine you've had encounters with strange and terrible beasts in your dreams," she continued, casually, "ravishing incubi and succubae that seek to rob you of your most precious gift. I'm very proud you've held on to it so well, dear."

"W-what?" she stammered. "What 'gift'?!" _Wait, THAT? How could she…?_ Beet red, instantly.

"I don't suppose a long-haired warrioress in a crimson cheongsam has spoken to you about your past? Have you claimed the sword of your soul yet?"

Sakaki, whose train of thought had not only jumped the tracks but also caused a 27-car pileup at the intersection of Huh Avenue and WTF Street, was at a loss for words.

Suddenly, her mother glomped onto her, tiny arms quivering with excitement. "Oh, Nanashi, I'm so proud of you! Your granny Yohko would have loved to have seen this day! To think that the 112th-generation Hunter would be my very own daughter! Your Aunt Azuza will be so jealous! Oh ho ho ho!"

"Mother, wait, please!" she said, shaking her gently. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

She stopped laughing. "What? Really?" _Shake shake_. "Not even a little bit?" _Shake_. "Not even the ravishing?"

"_Especially_ not!"

"Oh." She looked embarrassed. "Sooo…it really was Thor, then?"

In the back of Sakaki's mind, the tiny, thrice-concussed figure known as "Bald-Faced Lying" clawed its way free of the wreckage of her thoughts and seized control of the situation. "Yes. He asked me to become a Valykrie."

Mrs. Sakaki nodded. "I hear it comes with an excellent benefits package.(1) Well," she said, rising, "let us know when you make your decision. And please come down before your breakfast gets cold." She shut the door behind her.

Sakaki sat there for some time, wisps of smoke and madness wafting around her. Wordlessly, she reached for Marco the Tomcat and gave him a big hug. "What have I gotten myself into, Marco?"

Marco, to her relief, didn't say a word.

***

It was a dark morning in the Ayase household, and not just because the power was out. Mister and Missus Ayase were fighting again, in the way old married couples do, and Mister Ayase's thoughts turned once again to the merits of casual murder.(2)

"I don't see what your problem is," sniffed Missus Ayase, in between sips of tea. "All I asked is for you to go down to the basement and trip the breaker."

"I tried, my dear wife," he sighed, "but as I've explained a hundred times —"

"Oh yes, what was your excuse this time?" she asked, dripping with faux-curiosity. "Was your back out? Was the game on? Were you a lazy no-good layabout of a husband?!"

His brow twitched, just one. _If I smothered her with this tea cosy, would she shut up? No…she'd come back as a ghost and nag all night._ "No, dearest, as I told you earlier, I tried that, but there was _some creature_ down there camped out there in the dark with me, and I didn't think it would be safe."

She snorted. "Hmph! A _real_ man wouldn't have given it a second thought! Honestly, a grown man afraid of a few rats? No wonder Fuuka turned out the way she did."(3)

Mister Ayase took an imagination break to drop a safe on her. "That was no rat, my dear," he replied, patiently. "Rats do not have glowing eyes, or mandibles dripping with hot poisons that drill sizzling holes in the floor."

She sighed, theatrically. "I knew I should have listened to mother," she soliloquized. "Ah, what a lovely, carefree life I would have lived had I married money instead of love. Maybe then poor Ena wouldn't have done that terrible deed."

"There is nothing wrong with her choice of career, dear."

"She is a disgrace to the Clan Yashida!" she snapped. "Whomever heard of a ninja accountant?"

_Ninja bankers, you twit_, he thought. "Well, dear, I could say the same about your job as a dinosaur taxidermist."

"It is a time-honoured family tradition dating back hundreds of years," she said, icily.

"So why don't _you_, sugar muffin, trained as you are in the art of _Tyrannosaur_ wrangling, go confront whatever it is that is sitting in our basement?"

"It would be beyond my station as a woman of quality to perform such man's work," she replied.

"Mm," he said, sipping his coffee. _Just be patient_, he told himself. _Sooner or later, an angel with a fiery sword shall descend from the heavens and give her a right good thrashing._ "Well, it's good for both of us that I called that exterminator not half an hour ago. In fact, I think I see her now."

Through the front window, Mister Ayase spied a young blonde-haired woman parading up the sidewalk. She wore some sort of eccentric uniform that incorporated pants short enough to be illegal in all but seven nations on the planet and a jacket two sizes too small for her ample chest. She marched with bombastic, ecstatic confidence, flashing a winning smile and unusually pronounced canines, singing what he presumed was some sort of corporate jingle. ("Extermin_aaate!_ Obliter_aaate!_" was all he caught.) She also happened to be swinging some species of battleaxe, which he presumed was standard issue equipment nowadays. _Not that I need one_, he groused, with a sidelong glance at his wife.

"Yo!" said the woman, upon kicking in the door. "Excel — I mean, Kobiyashi — here from Kobiyashi's Extermination Service! How may I do ya for?"

"That door was a priceless antique," muttered Missus Ayase, glowering.

"Whoopsies! Sorry ma'am, didn't recognize the vintage plywood! So! Hear you gots a little infestation in your sub-station? Well, don't worry, Exce — Kobiyashi is here to clear it out! I'll give it a little one-two, and some snicker-snack, and — oh." Her axe had snicker-snacked through a family photo, splitting husband and wife. "Don't worry! I'm a professional. I can fix that."

"Don't bother," muttered Mister Ayase.

"So! What's on the menu today, eh? Ut! Don't tell me," she said, as he was about to, "I prefer surprises. I fear no man nor beast, for nothing can stand before the mighty right hand of Kotono Mi — err, Kobiyashi." She kicked in the basement door and plunged down the stairs. "Roll for initiative, bitch!"

And then all was quiet in the Ayase home. Missus Ayase continued to sip her tea, and Mister Ayase read his paper, his mind far, far away in the distant lands of bachelorhood. _I never should have left MI6_, he thought.

"I saw what you did there," said Missus Ayase, apropos of nothing.

"And what was it I did, apple of my eye?"

"You were looking at her chest."

_Shrew_, he thought. "It was difficult to ignore, my love."

"I see. You like them big, I imagine. Your withered husk of a wife no longer enough for you, eh?"

"I assure you, dear, that your beauty still outshines the stars in heaven themselves," he lied.

"_So, what do we have here?!_" cried a voice from downstairs.

"Liar," she replied. "If it weren't for the children, I'd have divorced you years ago."

"You disowned the children, my dear."

"The insurance money, then."

"_Something pointy, something spiky, something big and hard and sharp…ack!_"

"If I paid you," sighed Mister Ayase, as something crashed and splintered below him, "would you go away?"

"_Pincers! Horrible, horrible pincers! Eyes like flamin' coals! Spit like flamin' moles!_"

"Oh no, that wouldn't do," she replied, smiling. "Who would wake you in the morning, then?"

"I can do that just fine without you dumping cold water on my head, dear."

"_Phylum arthropoda! Order neuroptera! Three-dee-six-plus-12 hit dice! Kiss my fist, bug boy!_" There followed a horrible din. The walls shook, and dust trembled from the rafters. Pincers snapped, women and beast screamed, and an axe whacked repeatedly 'gainst chitinous flesh. "_BARUK KHAZÂD!_" screeched the woman. "_FOR AIUR!_"

"Could you pass the butter, please?" asked Missus Ayase, shouting over the din. Mister Ayase did so, with reluctance.

After a few more minutes of epic struggle, something in the basement let loose an inhuman screech of pain. Then came a gurgle, a few good whacks, and a tremendous _thump_ as something huge collapsed to the ground. "_HA!_" said the woman. Seconds later, she stomped up the stairs and kicked the door off its hinges, triumphant. "Ta-dah!" she said, waving a broken axe. "Problem solved, folks!"

"Eyaargh!" said Mister and Missus Ayase, pointing at her.

"What?" asked the woman.

"Eyaargh!" they repeated, mad with terror.

"What, these? Eh, these third-degree acid burns will come out in the wash. Oh, and I can mop up my blood from the floor, no big. Ah, it's the ankheg tooth in my shoulder, ain't it?(4) Here lemme pull it out…(_GLITCH!_)…aw yeah, that's better. Geeze, look at you all still gibberin' away. It ain't that bad, honest! And your bug problem's fixed, too! Unless those eggs hatch. You'll can still write a cheque, right?" She waved a hand before their terrified faces. "Um, hello? Anyone home?"

"They cannot hear you," said a voice from the shadows.

Kobiyashi jumped a foot. "Jeez Louise, yah scared me, Yuumura!"

"Mm," said the cloaked woman, as she melded out of the shadows of the basement.

"So, uh, what'djah do to 'em?"

Yuumura stared hrough her with cold red eyes. "I have shown them the shadows in their hearts so they may judge the state of their souls."

"Oh…so they can still pay me, right?"

"Not until they forgive themselves for their own crimes."

"Damn. In that case, it's time for some serious lootin' and pillagin'!" She immediately began dumping cutlery into her swag-sack.

"There is no time for that," said Yuumura. "The Lady requires your presence, Wild Hand Kobiyashi."

"Lady Altena?!" she squeaked. "I am SO there! Excel — Kobiyashi shall dive through fire and water to be by her side for even one moment!"

"Then report to her in two days time," said Yuumura. She stepped back into the shadows, fading as she did so. "Do not be late."

"Uh, in that case, could you gimmie a lift?" asked Kobiyashi. "I'm outta Air-Miles."

Yuumura paused. "No," she said.

"Aw, c'mon, _please!?_"

"No," she said, resolute. "You…disturb me." She disappeared.

"Yeah!?" she raged. "Well, same to you, you emo-goth freak!" Kobiyashi huffed, flicked an eyeball out of her hair, and resumed looting.

Minutes later, Mister Ayase crawled forth from catatonia with a shudder. "D-dear? Are, are you all right?"

"No," she said, lips quivering. "No I'm not. Oh, I've been a terrible, terrible wife!"

"And I've been a horrible husband!" he cried.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"Only if you forgive me!"

"Oh, Tetsuo!"

"Oh, Kaneda!"(5)

They embraced.

At that very moment there came a knock at the door. An angel bearing a flaming sword coughed politely. "Er, did I come at a bad time?"

***

"Ten seconds! Sweet!" Kagura clicked some buttons on her stopwatch, jogging on the spot. She'd just finished her traditional Saturday morning "run like hell out the door before Dad sees what you're wearing" dash and was now well out of his shouting range. _Cripes_, she thought, _nothin' wrong with jeans and a tank in this weather. What's his problem?_

Ha! This was the perfect way to start her day: the road beneath her feet, the sun overhead, wind in her face and sweat on her brow. And if her timing was right, then a certain raven-haired rival should be rounding the corner right about — "Oi! Sakaki!" _Like clockwork_, she thought. "Mornin'! What up?"

"Mm," said Sakaki.

"That a good 'mm' or a bad 'mm'?" No response. "Oh. Uh, hey, this isn't about that thing I said yesterday, is it? 'Cause that was a stupid thing for me to say, and I'm really, totally sorry about it, and —"

"Mm? Oh, no, that was nothing, forget it."

"Heck no I won't forget it," she huffed. "I dissed you, and there weren't no call for that, 'specially with what you're goin' through. And after you fixed my bike and everything."

"Really, it's okay," she insisted.

"You sure? You don't wanna take a free shot at me? C'mon, slap in the face, you'll feel great."

"Um, no, no thanks."

"Serious? Man, you _are_ nice. I'd totally go for it if it were me. Uh, not against you, though, 'cause you're like a lightning ninja, and you'd totally kick my ass and, uh…"

Kagura, it may be gathered, had one of those strange love-hate relationships with Sakaki, viewing the girl with pride and envy every since that day three years ago when she'd blown her doors off in the 500-metre dash. On the one hand, she was overjoyed that she'd finally found someone whom could challenge her. "Look out for number one," her uncle had always told her, "and when you find him, kick his ass." Here was the opponent of a lifetime, someone who would force her to bring out the very best in herself.

On the other hand, the way she did everything drove her completely up the wall. Whereas Kagura had spent her whole life training and fighting hard for each and every race she ran, Sakaki seemed to cruise over the finish line without breaking a sweat. Sports, academics, good looks…she had them all without lifting a finger, and yet refused to acknowledge them, shunning praise and turning cheek whenever it was offered. The fact that such humility made her even more awesome was all the more aggravating.

Thus, every day, Kagura took every chance she could get to challenge her bitter rival to mortal combat, vowing to prove once and for all that hard work would win over natural gifts, and that life should be lived loud and large, not quiet and small.

The fact that she was ever so slightly jealous of her had _nothing to do with it_.

"So," asked Sakaki, "is the bike okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah, super! Great! Awesome! Although I think it was a 21-speed before. But this is better!" she added, seeing her friend's expression. "Twenty-four gears? Wow! It's like one of those Lance-Armstrong deals. Thanks!" Sakaki waved it off. "So, uh, it was a good 'mm' then?" Nothing. _Ah heck, she'll talk when she's ready_, she realized. And so they walked along in silence, and she waited…for about 10 seconds.

"Can you believe the hassle the old man gave me this mornin'?" she said. "Tried to block the door to keep me from goin' out in this, like every weekend. I mean, I'm 18, I can wear what I like, right? And what's wrong with it? Light, breathable, keeps my arms free, perfect for this weather. But no, he's all throwin' a fit about bein' 'ladylike' and 'more modest.'" She huffed. "Like this isn't."

Sakaki considered the outfit. "Well…"

"'Well' what? You're not agreein' with him, are you?" she asked, suspicious.

She shook her head. "No. But…that shirt. It is a bit…well…transparent."

Kagura blinked. "Huh? Seriously?" She looked down and blushed. "Aw, geez, you're right! How the heck did I miss that? It's, like, see-through. Ugh! There, there aren't any guys around, are there?" she asked, hugging herself.

"It's a trick of the light," Sakaki said. "Just the angle."

"I hope you're right," she grumbled. "I don't know nothin' about fashion and stuff. Should'a worn the tracksuit…still, can't believe he gave me more of a hassle over this than the whole Breadicron thing."

"Breadi…you mean, you told them?"

"Yeah. Had to explain why I was late for dinner, y'know? He gave me the whole 'you tryin' to kill yourself' spiel, of course," she scoffed. "Hmph. No worse than what old maid Kagura does, and at least it's legal."

Sakaki raised an eyebrow. "'Old Maid'?"

"My mom, I mean."

Sakaki raised the other eyebrow. "Your…mother's name is Kagura?"

"Huh? Well, yeah. I'm named after her, y'know."

"I thought Kagura was your last name?"

She nodded. "It is."

"So…your full name is…?"

"Kagura Kagura. Same as my dad, kid brothers and the fish." She paused. "You're, uh, givin' me a weird look there, Sakaki."

It was a look somewhere between horrified fascination and utter disbelief. "Doesn't that get confusing?"

She thought this over. "No, not really. They're all spelled with different kanji, y'see?" Sensing her friend's befuddlement, she added, "What?"

"You…have an interesting home, Kagura," she said, diplomatically.

Kagura shrugged. "Meh, nothin' special. Dad's an accountant, Mom's an international jewel thief, never home much, so it's up to me to make sure the boys grow up right. Ain't gonna be him, the frilly loser. Y'know, I should introduce you to them sometime, Sakaki. I think you'd really inspire them."

"How old are they?"

"Uh, about 16, why?"

"That…might not be a good idea."

"Huh? Oh, okay, forget it, then." Kagura once again had the distinct impression that she had missed something fundamental about the nature of the universe. "How'd it go with your folks?"

"Well…" And Sakaki told her of this morning's events, of her mother's misunderstanding, her other self, and of her dreamtime encounter with the strange doctor.

Kagura whistled. "Wow. Awkward breakfast, huh?" _So that's why you look so pale this mornin'_, she thought. "So…seriously? Anything you think, happens?" Sakaki nodded. "Wow. I, uh…don't know what to say, Sakaki. This is…kinda heavy."

"I can still hear them, you know," she said, quietly. "The voices, crying for help. And now I know that I can help them. I…I don't even have to be there to do it."

Kagura could see from the strain in her friend's stance that she was on dangerous ground. She forged on, regardless. "And that's a bad thing?"

"_Yes!_" she exploded. "I could change the entire world with a thought before I even realized it!"

"Hey, whoa, take it easy!"

"But if Doctor Strange is right," she continued, "then whenever I let loose…this …there's no telling what could happen. It might not be a bed next time. It could be a house, a street, my mother and father," and here her voice choked into a whisper, "maybe you."

"Hey, cut that out," she chided, gently. "Angst don't look good on you. 'Sides, like hell that's gonna happen. You wouldn't hurt a fly, Sakaki. And, uh, I guess you could fix it up now if you ever did."

"I can't take that chance," she replied, quietly. "I, I need to find a way to get rid of these powers. Be…_normal_, again."

Kagura was stunned. "'Normal'?" _Nod._ In the back of her mind Kagura the Jealous Rival ground her teeth to dust 'gainst one another. _You mean a super-fast, super-smart track star that all the guys and a lot of the girls drool over every night? The kind of person I've trained and fought to be all my life, while you just had it dropped on you?_ She fumed, despite herself. _And now you've got super powers on top of all that, and you want to give it all away?_ "I don't get you, sometimes," she muttered.

She stopped. "What?"

_Oh crap! I actually said it! _"Uh, er, I mean, ah…" She sputtered, tripped over her tongue in search of a way out of this mess. But then a memory reached out its hand and grabbed her: a strong man, impossibly strong, face and hair like chiselled granite, standing over her, telling her to stand on her own feet. And she realized that she could not turn back. "I guess I mean, why give up what life's given you?"

"Because…because it's dangerous, that's why."

"Sakaki, we live in Tokyo, remember? Land of a Thousand Kaiju? There are fights, explosions, and super-powered mega-beasts rampaging every day. One of Tony Stark's giant drunk robots could fall out of the sky on us right now. Heck, at least now you've got a chance to get outta the way, or, I dunno, catch it."

"But this isn't right!" she said. "I didn't…I don't want any of this!"

"But you got it," she countered. "You've got the power to change things, make a difference; save lives, the whole world, even. I…a lot of folks would jump at a chance like that, and I don't get why you're frettin' on the bench like this. It's like my Uncle Sanshiro always said: with great power comes great opportunity. Why not take it?"

Sakaki looked as if she'd been slapped in the face.

_Aw hell_, she thought, _me and my big mouth_. "Geeze, I'm sorry Sakaki. Here you are looking for a friendly ear and I monologue your face off. Look, forget everything I just said, okay? And you can still slug me if you wanna."

"No, no, that's okay." She took a deep breath. "It's just, I never thought of it that way before."

"And you don't have to," she added, quickly. "I mean, I'm me and you're you; what do I know, right?" _Although it _is_ exactly what Unc would say_, she thought. _'Course, then he'd punch someone's kidneys out through their eyes, so maybe he ain't the right role model for this situation_. "But I do think that if anyone can handle this kind of thing, it's you."

She looked surprised. "You…you really think that?"

_Damn it, mouth, shut up!_ "Er…yeah, yeah I do," she said. "I mean, you wouldn't make for a great rival if I didn't think you could, right?"

She chewed her lip. "And…if I can't? If I do something really bad?"

Kagura flashed an impish grin. "Then I'll kick your butt, duh."

"Promise?"

"Heh, yeah. Say, race you to Chiyo's?"

She smiled. "You…really have a one-track mind, Kagura."

"Yep! And it leads right to the winner's circle! …Wait, was that an insult?"

**(Footnotes)**

1. He does this a lot in the girls' universe. He's a bit of a player.

2. Any resemblance between fictional and other fictional characters in this chapter is purely coincidental. Honest. I have no idea how the Ayases became a clan of bitter psychopathic killers. Then again, you don't see inside Mr. Ayase's head much, so this interpretation could be canonical. Adds a whole level of terror to _Yotsubato_, no?

3. Coincidence! Honest!

4. A monstrous acid-spitting arthropod magical beast from Dungeons and Dragons about 10 feet long and weighing about 800 pounds, likely left over from Mister Ayase's LARPing days.

5. See? Coincidence!


	15. TWT: the Cruel Blood

**Chapter 15: The Warriors Three: the Cruel Blood**

He was sex on legs, and he knew it.

J.H. Brenner swept through the sliding doors of Her Lady Integra's General Hospital followed by a mob of reporters and swooning fan-girls. You could tell by the way he used his walk that he was a woman's man: no time to talk. Italian shoes, white Armani suit, and long, sparkling, midnight hair, so lustrous and shiny that it could only be described as "bishie," although they said something less printable here in England. But it was his hypnotic gaze that held the train of men and women behind him in thrall: those Devil's eyes that burned with such sensual passion that even a casual glance could spark orgasms at 30 paces.

The nursing staff took one look and screamed. Several fainted. "Oh my God, it's him!" squealed one. "It's Al the Stampede! Eeek!"

"Oh, those eyes! Take me away!"

"Ah! My heart!"

"I know, I know!"

"No, I'm serious! My heart!"

"Oh. Uh, code blue!"

Brenner stepped over the women piled up at his feet, swirled to face his audience. "Yes, ladies, Al is here! Please! No underwear! This is an official function."

"And why are you here today, Mr. Brenner?" asked a reporter.

"Simple, my dear boy." He winked. Half the crowd sighed in ecstasy. "As you all know, proceeds from my Oscar-winning movie series recently helped rebuild this very hospital after last month's tragic zombie-badger attack.(1) And I am so very, very thankful for all the fans who phoned in with their donations. Thanks, babes." He blew a kiss to the camera. Half the crowd swooned. "But there's so much more to do! Thousands of people are still recovering from their wounds, and they need blood. That's why I'm here today to donate, and I urge all of you out there to do the same."

"Any response to Miss Victoria's remarks that you are a fraud and nothing more than, quote, 'A miserable pile of secrets'?"

"No, now sod off you horrible piece of excrescence," he muttered, through a forced grin. "I'll be back soon, my beauties!" he cried. And as bodyguards held back the squealing mob, Mr. Brenner swaggered past the front desk, stepped into the special private suite, threw off his cloak and vest, flopped down on the examining table and sighed. "Crikey, my ears!"

He had never wanted to be a movie star, he thought. He'd wanted to be a lumberjack like his father before him, leaping from tree to tree. But alas, Hollywood was no place for an axe-man, and God had seen fit to curse him with fabulous hair, a Herculean physique, and looks that killed or at least maimed at a thousand yards. And after that fateful day when a talent scout spotted him at a wet-T-shirt contest,(2) his life had been an endless whirlwind of publicity tours, movie shoots, and suggestive underwear advertisements. Primp, pout, angst, leer…couldn't they at least ask him to _act?_

He'd tried to look ugly once. Hundreds of "Emo Al" shrines dot the Web to this day.

The door opened. _Time to get back into character_, he thought. "Well, hel-_llo_ nurse," he said, giving his best leer. "I must say your are lookin' mighty fine today."

"Thank you, Mr. Brenner," the nurse replied, bowing. "You yourself are also a wonder of sartorial excellence this afternoon."

He blinked, stunned. _Funny, they usually collapse squealing by this point. Maybe I should kick it up?_ "I like your style, lady," he said. "Y'know, I've got a bottle of Pinot Grand Fenwick on ice in the limousine. Maybe when this is all over I could take you for a…backstage tour?" He winked.

She smiled. "No thank you, sir. It would not be wise to drink alcohol so soon after giving blood. Besides, I never drink…wine."

He blinked. "Wow, you _are_ playing hard to get! Do you know you're the first person I've met today that hasn't taken me up on that offer? And that includes my own grandmother?"(3)

"My apologizes, Mr. Brenner. I did not mean to offend."

"No, no, don't worry," he sighed. "Actually, I'm kind of a relieved. Would've been crowded back there with the other seven groupies."

"Goodness, seven? You must be quite the popular gentleman, sir."

"Well," he laughed, "I am who I am." He flashed a seven-gigavolt grin.

"And you are?"

"Ha ha ha! Good one! Good one!" She nodded. "Ha ha ha ha!" Blank smile. He froze. "You…you seriously don't recognize me?" _Shake shake_. "Not even when I do…_this?_" He posed. _Shake_. "Or, uh, _this?_"

She looked thoughtful. "Are you, perhaps, a famous accountant?"

He sagged. "Uh, no. I'm Joseph Brenner. Y'know, actor, producer, director? Five Oscars? Cover of _Thyme_? Star of the hit TV musical _Seras the Stampede Slayer_?"

"Is that the show with the big red dog?"

"Nooo, that's _Clifford_."

"Then I apologize sir, but I cannot say that I recognize you. Is that 'Brenner' with two n's?" she asked, writing on her clipboard.

He slumped. _I don't know whether to be shocked or relieved_, he thought. "Uh, yeah, yeah. And no umlaut. Sorry, uh, I thought you were a fan. Y'know, with the costume and everything."

She blinked. "'Costume,' sir?"

"Y'know, the, uh, velvet cloak, tight bodice, white makeup, hair like tangled night? Carmilla, Queen of the Vampires cosplay, right?"

"Really?" She looked herself over. "Why, you are correct, sir! I do indeed bear a striking resemblance to my great-aunt Carmilla! I never realized how similar this hospital's traditional uniform was to her habitual raiment.(9) How did you know that we were related?"

His brain shifted without a clutch. "Uh, lucky guess? Listen, maybe we should get this over with before I say anything else stupid." He unbuttoned his shirt. "Although I am glad to finally meet a woman who doesn't go all crazy with lust at the sight of my —"

"Oh my goodness!"

"Like that," he sighed.

"Oh dear, whatever has come over me?" she giggled, blushing. "I apologize, sir. It has been such a very long time since I have met a man with such a splendid _carotis communis_."

"My, uh, what?"

"_This_." And suddenly she was close, too close, with a wild passion in her eyes, her strangely cold breath on his chest, and her fingers like marble caressing his neck. "This perfect, wonderful channel of life, throbbing, pulsing, bursting with the sweet wine of mortal life; so warm with passion, so rich with spirit, so very, very…_delicious_."

"Woah, woah, woah, okay, crazy nurse lady going too far! Security!"

"Ah!" She leapt back, flushed. "Oh dear, I got carried away again, didn't I?"

"Yeah, a little!" he huffed. _Although that was kinda hot,_ he thought.

She giggled nervously. "I do apologize, Mister Brenner. You see, I am a scholar of the human form, and normally am quite reserved and proper in my manners, but whenever anything like blood, veins, arteries or other elements of the human circulatory system enters into my field of vision, my rational mind begins to lapse and I become quite wanton in my activities. Silly me."

"Ah ha ha ha," he said, eyeing the exit.

"And now, if you are ready, we shall begin the procedure." She produced a wicked sharp foot-long needle from her cloak. "Hold still, please."

"What the hell is that!?"

She blinked. "This? Why, this is the standard issue cannula with large-bore needle used in the donation process."

"But why's it so freakin' huge, huh?" _And where'd my accent go?_

"Well, it must have a certain length in order to penetrate the sternum and enter the aorta, sir."

"You're supposed to stick it in the _arm_, not the heart, you maniac!"

"Really? Well, I suppose I won't need this one, then." She lobbed it over her shoulder, where it tinked off the wall and stabbed right through her (apparently cheesecloth) chest.

Brenner screamed.

The nurse poked the needle, perturbed at the small fountain of blood spurting from her chest. "Oh dear, it's happening again." She sighed, coughed up a river of blood, and dropped to the floor, dead.

"Aagh!" said Brenner. "Aaagh! Aagh! Aaagh!" He scrambled for the door, slipped in a lake of plasma, slopped upright, and wrenched it open. "Help! HELP! Somebody! I need a doctor! Help!"

"OH MY GOD!" squealed the nursing staff. "HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF! EEEK!" And then, swept away on a wave of sensual ecstasy, they fainted en masse.

"Damn my sexy body!" he cursed. "And how could one tiny body hold so much blood!?" he added, seeing Lake Haemoglobia flooding the hall.

"It's a medical condition," replied a cloaked Japanese girl stepping forth from the shadows.

"Are you a nurse?" he babbled. "Please tell me you're a nurse! Look, I didn't have anything to do with this! It was an accident!"

"Mm." She knelt by the still-gushing corpse, oblivious to the horrors. "Arise, Cruel Blood Ayasugi. You are needed."

"What are you talking to her for?! She's dead, lady, DEAD! She needs a minister, not a pep talk!"

"Oh." The blood-drenched corpse lolled upright. "Good afternoon, Miss Yuumura."

"EYAARGH!"

The corpse pulled the needle from her chest with a grunt. "Oh dear," she sighed, looking herself over, "and I just bought this dress yesterday."

"This is not the time for such matters," said Yuumura. "The Lady requires your presence at once."

She nodded. "If you will allow me a moment to freshen up?" Her eyes flashed red. She raised her arms. Bloody twisters spiralled up from the floor, walls, and her clothes, writhed, then tangled together to form a glistening glob of plasma. She pursed her blackened lips and sucked it down. "Ah, much better!"

Meanwhile, Mister Brenner was losing his mind. "M-m-monster!" he screamed. "You're a monster! Stay the hell away from me!"

"Oh, are you still here, Mister Brenner?" said the nurse. "I am running a bit behind schedule, so I am afraid I shall have to expedite the process of your donation."

"What!? Huh!?" She lunged for his neck. "Aargh!"

His recollection of the next few moments would be…confused. He remembered a sudden prick in his neck, like that of a very large mosquito, followed by a curious sense of calm. He felt a cold body wrapped tight against him, one that slowly sucked all the warmth and life from his chest. He felt…good. Really good. Maybe it was the soft silk of her skin, or the scent of her hair, or the beat of her heart, or class three haemorrhaging, but he knew that at that moment, there on the cold linoleum floor of the hospital, lying with this death-pale otherworldly woman around him, he was in the midst of the single most pleasurable experience in his life.

The teeth were kind of kinky, too.

She released him, sated, and let him sink to the floor. He heard, as if from a great distance, the two mysterious women talking about him.

"Is it all right to leave him here?" asked Yuumura. "There must be no witnesses."

"Do not concern yourself, Miss Yuumura," said the nurse, dabbing her lips with a napkin. "I find that the gross privation my feedings leave upon the human mind significantly impair the process of cognition and recall."

"Although it is not my place to say so, is it right to leave him here? He could die."

Her laugh was as the tinkle of glass. "Don't worry, Miss Yuumura. This is a hospital; I am confident he will receive all the help he needs."

She nodded. "See you there." She vanished into the shadows. The nurse nodded, then seemed to twist inward on herself, vanishing in a vortex of blood.

And as the last drops of conscious thought drained from Joseph Brenner's mind, he was seized by one final, horrific thought: _Damn! I didn't get her number!_

***

"And that's why we should add a cape to our official school uniform," said Tomo.

"Why are we having this conversation?" asked Yomi. "Again?"

"Because, my dear Yomikins, we are discussing how you can be the Magnificent Mega-Mizuhara without tearing your wardrobe asunder," she said, authoritatively.

Yomi blushed, recalling the last incident. "I…I'll just be more careful, that's all. I can control it, really."

"I dunno, Yomi," said Osaka, walking alongside them. "I think I saw that vein in your head bulgin' at that last crosswalk."

"No left on a red! It's not that hard! And the bastard has the nerve to honk at me, ME, after he almost clips us while talking on his _cell phone!_ Stupid blasted know-it-all king-of-the-road rap-blasting hoagie-snacking corner-cutting riced-up little —" Yomi forced herself to take a breath. "Calm reeds," she said, exhaling. "Serenity now."

"My point exactly!" said Tomo. "You, Miss Mizuhara, are a ticking time bomb. Why, even now I see your voluptuous chest straining against your bust-line, threatening to burst its bonds and give ever man on this block a spontaneous case of tight-pants!"

"You're not helping!" she growled. "Calm reeds…calm reeds…"

"Sorry, sorry," said Tomo, not looking it. "But think about it: if you had a cape, all you'd have to do when you transformed is this," and here she did a spinning-furl type thing, "and bammo! Instant cover! Plus, it lets you pose dramatically."

"Say what?"

"You know…" Tomo crouched, forearm held close across her face, eyes smouldering. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! Moo hoo hoo ha ha!"

"'Moo hoo ha ha'?"

"Comes with the pose," she quipped.

"You…really are irritating, Tomo," sighed Yomi. _Although that pounding in my head's gone, come to think of it_.

"Don't worry 'bout your clothes, Yomi," said Osaka. "Anythin' looks good on you."

"Um, thank you, Osaka, but —"

"Even nothin'," she said.

A bus advertising "Shatner's Unexpected Pauses" cruised past.(5) Osaka waved to it.

"So," said Yomi, clearing her throat, "about these capes."

"Hmm, but now that I think of it, capes could be dangerous," mused Tomo. "Long, flashy, not good for stealth. Probably get caught in doors too. We need something more practical. Functional, yet stylish. Like…a drink!"

"A what?"

"A drink!" declared Tomo, spotting a vending machine. "Yellow Tomo needs booze badly!"

"You are _not_ drinking beer, Tomo."

"'Course not, this a Pocari Sweat machine."

"I wonder if there's a Yukari Sweat drink out there?" said Osaka.

"I don't think that would be healthy," said Yomi. _Why did I take that seriously?_

Meanwhile, Tomo was busy doing the "do I have a nickel?" pocket-slap dance.(6) "Curses! Got 10 yen, Yomi?"

"Sorry, flat broke."

"Osaka?"

Osaka checked her front pocket, her back pocket, and then her dimensional pocket (and yes, it was a bit unnerving to see her hand disappear into a side-dimension, thank you very much). "Um…" she said, holding a single coin on her palm.

"Perfect!" said Tomo, snatching it and slamming it into the coin slot. "In yah go!"

"Ah! No! Not that one!" said a panicked Osaka.

"Why not? Was it the 'chosen one' of 10-yen coins?" she said, with considerable sarcasm.

"No, that was the Crimson Coin of Cyttorak!"

"Sheh-wha? Woah!"

The earth quaked. Black clouds fringed ruby-red rushed over the horizon and blotted out the sun, carried by a howling wind straight out of Pandemonium. Pigeons flew backward. A flock of passing sparrows started chanting in Latin. Traffic carried on as normal.

"Damn it, Tomo!" said Yomi. "What did you do now?"

"Yeah!" she replied, whirling on Osaka. "What she said!"

"Me? Ah didn't do nothin'!"

"Then why were you carrying the Doomsday Dime _in your change purse?!_"

"It was a graduatin' present!" she whined.(7) "An' mah coin belt's broke!"

"Something's happening!" said Yomi. "Everyone get ready!"

"What, to run?" asked Tomo.

"_Damn it, Takino, you know what I mean!_" She stomped on her own foot. "Raargh!" She bulked up. Things ripped. "Oh, I liked this shirt…"

The vending machine trembled, quaked, and then suddenly lashed out. Steel screeched and glass shattered as it warped horribly, smashing its neighbours to the ground. A blood-soaked aura flamed about it, and its coin-return slot rattled with murderous intent.

Tomo made a strategic retreat behind Yomi. "What the hell is this!?" she screamed.

"Exactly!" said Osaka, as she summoned her hat and umbrella.

"Then let's send it back there!" growled Yomi. "Eat fist!" She struck with all her might, hoping to smash the demonic drink dispenser with a single blow and, she admitted reluctantly, score a free soda, but her titan's blow dashed uselessly 'gainst the fiend's crimson force-shield. "What the — guargh!" Ruby ribbons shot forth from the Mephistophelean mechanoid's drink dispenser and covered her head to toe in a kinky, yet somehow festive fashion. "Rrrgh!" she snarled. "Stupid drink-thing wait till Yomi get free! Owww!"

"It's the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak!" said Osaka. "Counterspell! By the twinned goddess, Risk and Safe, let these bonds be undonmrrphglemff!" But the red rivers of ribbon squelched her words.

Tomo watched, aghast, as her stalwart comrades were felled in seconds by the mystic gift-wrap. "Yomi! Osaka! That's it, you crazy contraption! You've earned yourself a full-power beat-down courtesy the Takinator! TAKINO AVENGING STRIKE!"

Her cell phone binked off the glass and shattered on the ground. "Oh crap! My Razr! Woah!" A box of unreal force had zapped into being around her. "No fair!"

The vending machine rose ponderously into the air. "_Who DARES summon Cyttorak,"_ boomed a godlike voice, "_ruler of the Crimson Cosmos?_"

Osaka and Yomi looked at Tomo. "What?" she said.

The deus in the machina turned its flaming coin-return light to face her. "_For what purpose hast thou summoned me, child? SPEAK!_"

"I-I didn't mean it, Mister Sitarsplat!" Tomo babbled.

Osaka wrenched one of the bands from her mouth. "No! Don't say that! Not to him!"

The Crimson Change-Cruncher of Cyttorak rumbled. "_Thou summons Cyttorak for naught? This deed…is worth a THOUSAND DEATHS!_" The earth quaked and the heavens let loose seven thunders.

"Aw no!" said Osaka. "It's the acropamalypse!"

"No!" cried Tomo. "Not again!"

"When Yomi get free," snarled Yomi, "Yomi teach Tomo to use correct change!"

"_Quail, mortals!_" cried Cyttorak, "_for now is the hour of reckoning! Any last words?_"

Tomo was in tears. "B-b-but," she burbled, "all I wanted was a Pocari! Was that so wrong?"

The heavens stilled. "_A…poh-kari?_"

Tomo blinked. "Um, y-yeah. Just one."

"_Diet…or lemon-flavoured?_"

"Lemon, duh. Diet sucks."

"Tomo!" hissed Yomi.

The machine considered this. "_Very well, Tomo, daughter of Takara, granddaughter of Atari. Thou shalt have thine soda. But know this: for summoning the master of the Crimson Bands for such a trivial matter, thou hast earned my wrath indeed. And soon, VERY soon, it shall strike thee with a force so terrible that your great great granddaughter herself shall feel it's icy stab in her very soul! HA HA HA HA HA HA!_"

The crimson soul of Cyttorak returned to his ghastly realm. The machine, Yomi and Osaka, crashed to the ground. The skies cleared, the birds scattered and a passing motorist swerved slightly to avoid an overturned canned-soup dispenser.(8)

_Ka-chunk_. One well-chilled can of Pocari Sweat dropped into the vending slot.

"Everyone okay?" asked Osaka, sounding a little hoarse herself.

"Okay?! OKAY? Yomi not OKAY! YOMI IS… serenity now serenity now serenity now…sorry. I think so."

"I…am so, so sorry guys," said Tomo, in tears.

"No," said Yomi, who had almost shrunk down to her normal size, "no need, it's my fault. I should have known something like this would have happened if I got within three kilometres of you."

"You're not gonna get in trouble for this, are you Osaka?" asked Tomo.

"Nah," said Osaka. She walked over to the machine, hit the coin-return button, and plucked the Crimson Coin from the little slot. "It always comes back. Hey, I got 25 yen too!"

"That's a relief," sighed Tomo. "C'mon guys, let's go home. I'm beat."

"Ain't you gonna drink this, Tomo?" said Osaka, proffering the can.

"Eyaargh!" Tomo made the sign of the cross, pentagram, and AC/DC with her hands. "Keep it away! Keep it _away!_"

"But ya gotta drink it now, Tomo," said Osaka. "You made a deal with the demon Cyttorak, and he collects on them, ya know."

"What!? No! Never! I'm not touching it! You drink it, Osaka!"

"No way! That'd be breach of contract. I don't want no Lilliputian Lawyers of Littlerock after me!"

"Lilliput — over to Yomi then!"

"Tomo," said Yomi, fist clenched, "you nearly got us all killed by an unholy terror from beyond the veil of sanity for that thing —"

"— Actually, he's not bad once you know him," interjected Osaka.

"— and so help me God, you will drink that blasted soda RIGHT NOW or I will personally jam it down your stupid coin-thieving ludicrously stretchy NECK!" _Shir-rip!_ "Dang it!"

"Okay, okay! I'm doing it, see?"

Traffic passed. "Well?" said Yomi.

"Gimmie a second, sheesh!" She took a deep, shaky breath. "Okay. Here I go." With trembling fingers, she took the can from Osaka. "W-wait, why are you all backing away from me?"

"Just in case," said Osaka, ducking behind a bench.

"You…you all suck!" Steeling herself, she grasped the tab, thought better of it, and stretched her arms as far away from her as they could go. "Okay…on three. One. Two. Two and a half…"

"Just open it already, dang it!"

"Fine!" _Ker-pish!_ She winced involuntarily, then slowly opened her eyes a crack. Can…street…Yomi…Osaka…evil pigeon…no hell-spawn. With infinite reluctance, she drew the can up to face-level, tilted it back, and — "Ackpllfph!" — got a vicious spray of carbonated sweetness right up her nose.

"All hail Cyttorak," chanted Osaka, "for his wrath is wroth indeed!"

"Damn you, Cyttorak!" Tomo shouted to the heavens. "Know that on this day you have earned my everlasting wrath! You don't mess with the Taki — doof!"

"Let's get going already," said Yomi, flexing her fist. "We're late."

"Yessum," Tomo drooled from the sidewalk.

**(Footnotes)**

1. Happens a lot, apparently.

2. I need to get out more.

3. She used to be a roadie and wanted to hang with some of the old vets. She was also a saucy minx.

4. Circa 1778.

5. "For when…you really need…some drama…in…your life."

6. Substitute yen, euro, deutchmark, or quatloo as appropriate.

7. True. Upon completing her first lesson in basic thaumaturgy, Dr. Strange had, in an age-old tradition amongst masters and students, presented her with several magical artifacts to fortify her magics. The Coin itself was a focus or fetish, a physical object through which Ayumu could channel her _ki_ and harness the power of the ley lines. The accompanying Stationary Set of Cyttorak was currently on her desk at home, and was used for taking notes. _Magic_ notes.

8. "Damned kids," muttered the driver.


	16. TWT: the Proud Blade

**Chapter 16: The Warriors Three: the Proud Blade**

Sister Kasumi Munakata hated church.

She hated the pews, loathed the altar, and absolutely despised the 12-foot high depictions of St. Reginald the Perpetually Confused in sparkling-bright stained glass and the divine shadow-play they performed on the hewn granite floors. For although she was a young woman of refinement and more than capable of appreciating the virtues of such fine 16th-century architecture, she was also the janitor, and those wondrous windows were a heck of a lot less appealing when you had to Windex every damned pane with a dirty rag. (Squeegees were banned ever since the Schism of 2:35 p.m., she's learned.) _I, Kasumi, find this most degrading_, she thought.

"Sssh!" hissed Sister Agatha Hookencraw, who was leading the others in prayer.

"Sorry," she squeaked. _Damned telepathic nuns_.

"I heard that!" she snapped.

"Damn it!"

It wasn't always this way. Just a few years ago, she was secretary to the CFO of Roxxon Industries, the mightiest multinational corporation in the world, earning a six-figure salary and sipping banana daiquiris for breakfast. Then that bastard Grasshopper(1) exposed her as the mole who'd leaked the plans for the company's new line of hydrodynamic clocks to Stark-Fujikawa and it had all fallen apart. Her accounts were seized, her reputation ruined, and she herself was tossed in the slammer, left to rot in a minimum security penitentiary where the sheets were silk and the uniforms — and here she would shudder at the memory — _Hilfinger_.

It was in that dank and horribly decorated place that she had met That Woman: Altena Bouquet. She'd refused to meet with her at first, dismissing her as yet another mob boss after her skills with a Form 35A. And then she'd been pardoned, pampered, and put on a plane to London for a meeting with the CFO of Roxxon, who begged on his knees for forgiveness for ordering her arrest and hoped that the small truckload of money he'd brought with him would settle any future wrongful dismissal suits.

After she'd mugged him, burned down his house and rolled laughing in the money, she agreed to meet Bouquet at a restaurant with dishes so obscenely decadent that even the toilet paper was gold-plated.(2) Over a rack of unicorn, the woman explained how she was the head of a syndicate of influential persons who wished to employ her and other talented individuals in the pursuit of peace, order, and world domination. She'd feigned interest at first (having gone through a nasty severance dispute with the Freemasons and the Illuminati a few years back) but perked up (read: half choked on her wine) when the woman mentioned a number rarely found outside of cosmological science. She signed on at once.

It was liberating to get out of the office again, at first, hearkening back to her glory years as a freelance swashbuckling accountant (when she cut someone from payroll, they _stayed_ cut).(3) Her co-workers were rather eccentric (okay, completely insane), but the pay was good, the sights exotic, and the opportunities for mass corporate fraud exhilarating. (She'd knocked Roxxon out of the Fortune 500 in a week with just a few faked photographs.) It was the down time that got to her, the weeks and months between assignments that That Woman insisted they fill with "character building" part-time occupations as part of their official cover. And since there were no high-paying multinationals out there worthy of Munakata's presence (at least, none that hadn't blacklisted her), Altena had sent her to this monastery, an isolated church stuffed with old women so holy that they could sanctify whole cities with a simple "gesundheit."

And she had no problem with that — it had alpine air, thrilling natural vistas, free communion wine — except for the fact that she had to wear the uniform: a depressing off-the-rack moth-eaten hand-me-down wrought of rayon and cotton, the whole dyed a mausoleum grey wholly inappropriate for a woman of her grace and refinement. It had also been sewn back in the days when women couldn't show their ankles without committing a sin, so she kept tripping on its hem into walls, stairwells and (on one unfortunate occasion) the cesspool. From there, all it had took was one stray thought about the tacitly accepted modifications one nun had made to her habit and she'd been busted down to janitor. _I, Kasumi, still say that gold lamée and pink feathers do _not_ belong in a nun's habit_.

Sister Agatha Hookencraw glared in her direction. "You shall respect Sister Latifa's attire, Munakata, no matter how eccentric!"

"Yeah!" said Latifa, currently dressed as Mardi Gras.

Munakata mumbled some apologies.

"And if you are finished with the windows," added Sister Hookencraw, "please sanctify the bath-house at once."

She shuddered. _Saints preserve me from mildewed tile_.

"_Go!_" She shuffled past, half-bowed, apologizing every step of the way.

She tripped on her own robe just after stepping into the janitor's closet, toppling headfirst into the soiled mops and buckets. A soaring rendition of _Nearer, My God, to Thee_ drowned out the shouts, clatters, and exhortations against all things nunnery that followed. _Damn you, Altena!_ she thought, wrestling free of the wreck. _Why must I, Kasumi, labour in this horrible place?_

"It was a lesson in humility," said a voice stepping from the shadows.

She screamed. "Sweet Jesu," she gasped, "don't do that, Yuumura! I, Kasumi, nearly suffered a heart attack."_ Wait, did I just say, 'Sweet Jesu'? Dear god, no! I, Kasumi, am starting to speak nun!_

"That will pass, I imagine," she replied.

"I certainly hope so," Munakata said. "I, Kasumi, find such sayings most archaic." _Much like that cloak_, she added, eyeing the shadow-girl's raiment. _What is that, 16th century?_

"It is a coherent conduit to the Darkforce Dimension bonded to my very soul," she replied.

"Ah, I see." She replayed the last few seconds in her head. "Wait, did you just read my innermost thoughts?"

"No. You've been speaking them aloud all this time."

"W-w-what?" _Blast! I thought I'd been cured of that._

"Apparently not," she replied.

"Damnation! Wait, so does that mean these horrible hags in habits —"

"You should think more quietly," she advised. Munakata raged against the universe. "We do not have time for this," she continued. "Lady Altena has summoned you, Proud Blade Munakata, and you must leave at once."

"Yes! At last, some action!" She leapt to her feet, reenergized. "No longer must I, Kasumi, hide my radiant locks beneath this ridiculous wimple!" She tossed it aside, revealing a head of violet tresses with ostentatious side-ringlets that probably cost more than some small-island nations to get at the hairdresser.(4) "And no longer must my sumptuous body be concealed by this oppressive burquha!" She tried to fling it aside in one dramatic motion but was thwarted by the double-reinforced stitching. Several seconds of grunts and struggle followed, revealing a slightly rumpled power-suit, skirt and a long silver sheath. Out from it swept a thin rapier which Munakata sent singing through the air in a series of flashing strokes. "_Yes!_ At last, I, Beautiful Girl Kasumi, have returned to the world! Ha ha ha!"

Yuumura coughed politely. Munakata noticed that everyone in the church was staring at her. "Ha ha?" she said.

One of the nuns leapt to her feet. "At last you reveal yourself, Kasumi!" she cried, in a voice that belied her apparent age. She somersaulted over several pews, cast off her habit to reveal something more risqué in chain mail beneath, tore off her mask and whipped out a broadsword. "Now I, Warrior Nun Aorta, shall teach you the true meaning of God!"

"Hollow words, Sister Aorta," said the nun next to her, drawing a blood-red axe. "For too long have your heresies stained these hallowed halls. Today, I, your nemesis, Mistress Dominatrix, shall end our eternal quarrel once and for all!"

She stopped as seven others clapped machine guns to her head. "The Magdalene Order stands with you, Aorta!" declared one of them.

And _they_ stopped as seven others charged down the aisle waving electro-plasma swords. "Reformed Evangelical Jedis unite!" they bellowed.

A vigorous religious debate broke out seconds later.

Munakata lowered her blade, a bit miffed that she'd been upstaged so thoroughly, but mostly just confused. "Wait, so was anyone in this place an ordinary nun?"

Yuumura nodded toward Sister Hookencraw, who was watching the carnage over a cup of tea. "Mm?" she said. "Oh, I'm actually plotting to overthrow the church and convert everyone to C'thuluism. I assume this means Sister Kasumi's internship is over, Lady Yuumura? I regret that we were not able to temper her arrogance as the Lady requested."

"What 'arrogance'?" asked Munakata, irritated.

Sister Hookencraw gave her a long, level stare.

Yuumura cleared her throat. "We apologize for the disruption, Sister, and will now take our leave."

"'Disruption'? Oh, this? Do not trouble yourself, my child; this is our weekly religious seminar."

Munakata choked. "Wait, what?"

"Our interfaith dialogue for peace and harmony?" said Sister Hookencraw, as two devout Sisters of the Valkyrie chased each other along the wall with chainswords, shouting interpretations of _Genesis_ as they did so. "You _were_ invited," she added, with reproach.

"I've been _cleaning_ the _bath house_," she seethed. _Although this would explain all the bloody tile grout. _

"You are welcome to join in," she offered.

"_Love thy neighbour!_" roared a huge woman wielding flaming cross-chucks.

"There is no time," said Yuumura. "Arrive at the sanctuary by tomorrow afternoon," she told Munakata. The driver outside has your ticket for tomorrow's flight."

"First class, I hope?" she asked.

"Coach," she replied, stepping into the shadows.

Munakata cursed. _Will my trials never end?_

"No," said the shadows.

"Damn it."

***

"Welcome everyone!" said Chiyo as she answered the front door. "Come on in!"

Kagura, Sakaki, Yomi and Osaka stepped into Chiyo's home, an estate that was less suburban than Smithsonian. (Chiyo, being used to it, considered it "quaint.") Polished granite swept the floor from the lobby up to the double-banistered stairwell just ahead, surrounded by mahogany tiles and topped by a vast fractal skylight. A large brass orrery sparkled in the centre, replete with spinning gears and humming whirligigs that propelled its planetary simulacra in orbit around what appeared to be a very real, very small sun. Alcoves along the walls held curious devices made from tangled wires and plasma balls, each hermetically sealed in bell-jars with labels like "Phlostigon Invigorator," "Advanced Aether Altimeter, Mark IX," and "Cellular Telephone, c. 1533."

Kagura whistled. "Still blows me away every time I see it."

"Hi, coat rack!" said Osaka waving to it.

"Is that a hole in the ceiling?" asked Yomi, looking up.

Chiyo nodded. "Toaster," she explained. "Oh my! What happened to your clothes, Miss Yomi?"

"…Tomo," she said, after much thought. Upon seeing her expression, she added, "You know what? I'm too burned out after this morning to explain it. Ask Osaka. On second thought, don't ask; I was there and I still don't believe it."

"Elder god," said Osaka. "Pop machine. Very messy."

"Yeah?" said Kagura. "We saw a squirrel on the way in."

Chiyo decided to file this one under Things Mankind Was Not Meant to Know (Volume 37) and drop the matter. "Still, we must do something about this. Alphonse?"

"M'yes?" said the butler, who was right behind Yomi.

"GAH!" said Yomi. "Where did you —?!"

"Please work with Miss Green on this matter," said Chiyo.

"Shall we deploy the Mark Twelve on this occasion?"

"Yes, but don't use the overlock setting as I've yet to recalibrate the atomic needle."

"M'yes," he replied. He bowed and left.

Yomi shivered. "How does he _do_ that?" she muttered.

Chiyo blinked. "Do what?" she asked. "And where is Miss Tomo right now?" she added.

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. She was right behind me at the last corner. Which means, I suppose…"

"_YOMI!_" The Takino Torpedo rocketed through the door at point-five light-speed. Being prepared, Yomi stepped aside so that Tomo whipped past, slid screaming across the floor and slapped into an airbag deployed from the base of the orrery, placed there for just this eventuality.

"Miss Tomo! Are you all right?"

"Mrrrflemrgle MRRGH!" she replied, from the depths of the bag.

"Nice dodge," said Osaka.

"You get an instinct for it after awhile," grumbled Yomi. She plucked Tomo to her feet. "Okay, what's this all —"

"Yomi!" she squealed, eyes sparkling. "Yomi Yomi Yomi Yomi! I did it! I did it! You said I'd never do it but I did it so there HA! Ha ha ha! Face! In yours! Yes! Yes! Yes! Eeee!" She cut loose with a rendition of The Dance of the Boo-Yah Fairies. "This is the greatest day of my LIFE! WOOO-HOO!"

Yomi karate-chopped her on the head.

"D'ow! What the heck was that for, huh!?"

"You more than earned it after this morning," she muttered. "Now, try again, slowly."

"Right," she said. "Slowly." She took a deep breath. "Yomi…I…am a Jedi!"

Contrary to all expectations, the universe did not, in fact, grind to a halt at that announcement, although the orrery wobbled a bit. After a few moments, Osaka raised her hand and asked, "Agnostic or Presbyterian?"

"Dunno," she said, shrugging. "All I know is that as of this moment, I, Tomo Takino, am a Master of The Force!" She waggled her fingers for emphasis.

The others swept past her towards the living room. "So, you've got something to show us, Chiyo?" asked Yomi.

"Yes," she replied, "so if you'd all follow me to the lab…"

"HEY!" Tomo stormed after them. "That was rude!"

"I apologize, Miss Tomo," said Chiyo, bowing, "but your claim was a little…outlandish…and we do have a very busy schedule today."

"But it's true!" she cried. "See? I'll prove it right now! Watch!" She pulled her cell-phone out of a back pocket and held it before her. "You watching? Good! Hyah!" She hurled it into the air.

"Miss Tomo! What are you — oh my, that is peculiar…"

Chiyo and the girls watched as the perfectly ordinary telephone flipped a good half-storey straight up, paused at its peak, and plummeted back down only to come to a dead stop about two centimetres from the floor. It hung there, spinning slightly, as Tomo stood about a foot away, hand outstretched, her face a mask of intense, ecstatic concentration. "_Yes!_" she said. "It worked!"

"Telekinesis?" said Kagura. "Sweet!"

"The Schwartz is strong in this one!" added Osaka, overawed.

"Huh?" said Yomi.

"The Force, Yomster!" chirped Tomo. With a gesture, she flipped the phone around her back, spun it on a finger, and caught it with her other hand. "I got it, and it's GREAT."

"Since _when?_"

"Oh, about five minutes ago," she said, casually. She launched into full-on heroic-narration mode. "Verily, t'was an ordinary summer's day, much like this one —"

"It _was_ this one!" snapped Yomi.

"— when I, the Tremendous Tomo, set out for the Fortress Mihama on my most noble quest for, uh, wait, why are we here again?"

"Tea and experimentation," said Chiyo.

"Right, okay. So, anyway, I'm listenin' to Yoms chattin' up Osaka over here and I figure I better check to see if my Razr's still working after its titanic tussle 'gainst the craven cowardice of Cyttorak."

"'Cyttorak'?" asked Chiyo.

"Seriously," said Yomi, through gritted teeth, "_don't ask_."

"Um, hello?" sang Tomo. "Exposition going on here? (Sheesh, the nerve of some people.)" She cleared her throat. "As I was saying, I figured I better test it out and I fell behind a bit. Then, suddenly, and without warning, while I was checking my email, streaming Youtube and textin' lewd jokes to cousin Torako, WHAM! Outta nowhere this crazy biker chick blasts past at a million miles an hour! I, of course, immediately drew upon my years of training in a Tibetan monastery to execute my Perfect Rolling Defence. Like so!" She did an enthusiastic pirouette. "But in my haste I had forgotten to keep a good grip on my phone! It flew out of my hands, _fwoosh!_ And I was like, 'Oh crap! No! Not again!' because I had no less than 77 megs of rare custom ring-tones on it, so I do this diving catch, but I'm too far away, and I'm thinking, 'Nooooo! Stop!' and BAM!" She levitated the phone before her. "It stops! And lo, I was The One!" The phone played a victory jingle from a popular fantasy game.

Yomi was giving one of her "incredulous disbelief" looks again. "Couldn't you have, y'know, stretched?"

"Oh yeah, good point. Heh, guess I forgot, huh?"

She groaned. "You are such an idiot."

"An idiot with The Force!" she countered. "Wait, that didn't come out right."

"Ooh! Ooh!" ooked Kagura, waving a hand in the air. "Do me next! Force Lift! C'mon!"

Chiyo noted the low ceiling. "I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"Okay!" cried Tomo, cracking her knuckles. "Here I go!" A thought seemed to strike her. She placed one hand over her mouth and started breathing in an exaggerated manner. "You have failed me for the last time, Kagura!" she Darth-Vadered. "Hyah!" She thrust forth her other hand in the now classic choking-you-with-my-mind motion and tried to lift the young woman off the ground through force of will.

It didn't work. "Uh…" said Kagura.

"Ah, you're too heavy," groused Tomo. "Chiyo! Eat telekinetic doom! Rah!"

Chiyo flinched as Tomo moved to fling her about the room like a rag doll. After several seconds of grunts and gesticulations, she hadn't moved an inch. "I don't think it's working, Miss Tomo."

"It's not my fault!" she snapped. "Your brain's too heavy! Yeah, that's it!"

"Maybe you could try this cup?" she suggested, picking it up from a nearby dresser.

"Okay! Good idea." She wiped some sweat from her brow, took a deep breath, and commenced the assault. "Hyah! Rah! Urryah! Aragh! Raaaagh!"

"Is the Force always this noisy?" whispered Kagura to Osaka.

"Mysterious moves it way does," she replied, sagely.

Muscles taut, face twisted with either concentration or the pain of passing a large stone, Tomo was putting her all into it, yet the cup stayed resolutely still — much to Chiyo's relief, as it was imported. "Eyaargh!" Tomo collapsed, short on breath. "By Crom, what is that thing made of?!"

"Dutch porcelain," she said automatically. "Maybe you should lie down for a bit, Miss Tomo?"

"Nay!" she gasped. "No tea-drinker's goblet shall defeat Takino the Telekinetic Terror!"

They helped her to a bench anyway.

"I don't get it," she said, after she had calmed down a bit. "I mean, it's so easy when I do it with the phone, but I couldn't budge that cup an inch!"

"Maybe it only works on telephones?" suggested Kagura.

The full horror of this suggestion hit Tomo like a vial of prussic acid. "Aww, my powers suck!"

"Now, now, Miss Tomo," said Chiyo, "let's not jump to any conclusions yet." _Although that was a pretty good hypothesis_, she admitted. "Why don't we all head down to the lab and run through some tests?"

"'Tests'?" asked Sakaki.

"Yes, tests!" she replied, with gusto. "Vigorous, scientific ones that shall discover the full extent and origins of your fantastic abilities! If we hurry, we could still meet this month's submission deadline for _Science_! Don't worry, Miss Sakaki, most of them are non-invasive and none involve exotic subatomic particles. Oh, wait, except for the genetic interrogator, but we won't need that today. Probably." She grinned.

Sakaki did not seem reassured.

Chiyo lead the entourage into the top-secret Mihama/Fujikawa Advanced Research and Development Facility, otherwise known as the living room. Mister and Missus Mihama did have a formal underground lab — one of those fancy titanium hangars with the clinical walls and computer displays and Tesla coils all around — but almost never used it nowadays. Inspiration could strike at any time, so they had started leaving caches of equipment scattered around the house over the last few years, both intentionally and through simple absent-mindedness.

You'd find Geiger counters in the dishwasher, for example, and an PKE meter by the toothbrush. One of the upstairs bathrooms was now a permanent Brownian motion simulator (they never bothered to fix that leak), and the exercise room now housed the Milankovitch Subatomic Reconfigurator (which, it must be said, did do wonders for the waistline). As for the living room, it had vials of reagents on the DVD rack, a gas chromatograph on the mantle next to the family photos, a warp core in the fireplace, several experimental mutates in amongst the azaleas (do not, under _any_ circumstances, look directly at the Medusa lilies) and an AI supercomputer named Bob by the fish tank. Many a guest had received a nasty surprise after they tried to change the channel on the television only to discover too late that they'd grabbed the remote for the 16-terrawatt microwave projector. Chiyo never understood why her father kept it aimed at the recliner.(5) Stacks of papers, journals and data disks covered what otherwise would have been a lovely wood floor. Framed portraits fought to be seen behind a barricade of whiteboards covered with formulae, charts, and hastily scrawled exclamations such as, "The salt is life!!!" and, "Suck it, Einstein!"

"Wait a minute," said Yomi. "How come the living room's never looked like this every other time I've been here?"

"Oh, I cleaned up a bit before you arrived," said Chiyo, hefting a man-portable fusion cutter off the couch. "Ah, wait, I see what you mean. We usually have the Veil of Fear and Ignorance turned on for guests. It phases all of this stuff into a pocket dimension. See?" She flipped a perfectly ordinary light switch. All of the scientific paraphernalia briefly disappeared before reappearing when she flipped it back.

"Oh," said Yomi. "I, uh, guess that explains everything."

"So what do the rest of these do?" asked Tomo, looking at the long bank of switches.

"Stereo, force shields, fireplace, small hadron collider, disco ball and lights," replied Chiyo.

"And this button on the end?"

"That's for security, please don't —"

_Click_.

She sighed. _IQ of 327 and I didn't see that coming_, she thought.

Klaxons blared. Sirens wailed. The track lights flashed red alert. A shimmering force field sprang up around Chiyo. Most impressive of all, the couch Kagura had been sitting on split apart with a series of clanks and hydraulic squeals, transforming into a squat, horribly beweaponed yet still very comfortable weapon of mass destruction with electric yellow eyes and flamethrowers for ears. "CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!" it roared.

"Waugh!" said the girls.

"SWEET!" said Kagura, now sitting on its head.

"No no no!" shouted Chiyo. "Cancel alert sequence! Stand down, Mr. Couch!"

The couch hesitated, and then gestured towards the girls with some sort of 20-megawatt plasma cannon sticking out of a throw cushion. "Destroy?" it asked.

"No!" she said, firmly. "Not even a little bit! Sit down, please!"

Mr. Couch ground its gears a bit, shook its 50-calibre armrest at the girls, and transformed back. The lights and alarms petered out seconds later. "Is everyone all right?" asked Chiyo.

"_This couch is AWESOME!_" gushed Kagura, still sitting on it. "I want one!"

Yomi was busy throttling Tomo. "Why did you do that, you idiot!?"

"T'was…destiny!" gasped Tomo. "If there is a button, I must push it! A switch? I must flip it! A chest! I must open it! Not rain nor sleet nor fog of night shall keep this adventurer from her appointed rounds!"

"Stupid Tomo push button?! Yomi push Tomo button with _fist!_" _Ka-riiip!_ "Damn it all!"

Sakaki waved from behind the barcalounger, hands aglow with protective powers.

"Huh?" asked Osaka, who'd fallen behind the group. "Did I miss something?"

_Well,_ thought Chiyo, _that was a complete disaster_. "Maybe we should take a break first?" she suggested. "Al —"

The far wall burst in a shower of plaster and masonry. Miss Green somersaulted through the breach and landed in a combat stance, a roaring chainsaw at the ready. Alphonse the butler followed with a grenade launcher and a General Electric Minigun. "Are you all right, Miss Mihama?" he cried.

"Yes, yes," she sighed, "false alarm." _I liked that wall_, she added.

"Oh." He straightened his tie and slung his weapons over his shoulder. "Then I shall repair the wall at once."

She nodded. "We shall retire to the kitchen for some refreshments. Thank you for your assistance." The butler bowed, produced a trowel and bucket of grout from his suit coat, and set to work.

"Man, that was somethin' else!" said Kagura to Miss Green, whose chainsaw was about a foot from her face. "What were you gonna do with this thing anyway?"

"Trim some hedges," she replied.

"Sweet! That is such an awesome one-liner. Oh, wait, did you really mean —"

"They are very large and thick."

"Oh. Nuts."

Yomi slumped to the floor. "Today not good for Yomi — I mean my — blood pressure," she said.

"Your new wardrobe is ready in the guest bedroom," said Miss Green. "Shall I show you there?"

"With that?" she asked, eyeing the chainsaw.

"With…? Ah. I apologize." She tossed it over her shoulder. Alphonse caught it one-handed. "If you would come this way?" She did.

"So Chiyo," asked Kagura, "is it always this nuts around here or did you kick it up something special for us today?"

Chiyo thought it over. "No, it would probably have been worse if my parents were here, to be honest."

Kagura kicked back on the couch. "Man, this place rocks!"

_You don't have to live here_, thought Chiyo.

**(Footnotes)**

1. Grasshopper is a little-known hero featured in the Great Lakes Avengers series employed by Roxxon, one of the biggest multinational corporations in the Marvel Universe. (I think the Red Skull took it over at some point.) He hops around in a mechanical grasshopper suit and has the bad habit of dying a lot. Currently holds the record for shortest membership on any superhero team (5.8 seconds) on account of being stabbed through the head moments after joining the Great Lakes Avengers.

2. They were four-ply, too.

3. Note that Munakata is one of those people who consider themselves over the hill at 25 and Palaeolithic at 30. Not that old, in other words. If you, the reader, are also one of those people, please allow me to shake my cane in your general direction as I order you off my lawn.

4. In this universe, _Modern Hair by Mongol_ outlets did indeed sell some conquered nations at discount prices. Sao Thomé was said to be great for dandruff.

5. "In case my burritos go cold, you fool!" he would later explain.


	17. TWT: They don't teleconference

**Chapter 17: The Warriors Three: They don't teleconference**

Altena Bouquet knew the truth.

Not all of it, of course — you couldn't fit absolute truth inside of a four-dimensional universe and still have Fox News. But she knew enough.

She knew, for example, the importance of place. There's a reason why Ernest Stavros Blofeld hung out in a secret volcano base in the Sea of Japan instead of a community centre in downtown Milwaukie: it intimidated people, leaving his opponents in awe of his power and influence instead of in stitches on the floor. The brushed steel, the hordes of identical minions, the giant rocket ship — every feature was a symbol of his wealth and power, his mastery of modern technology. (And the piranha tank was just too cool for words.) The fact that he had a wicked scar and a fluffy white cat was simply a bonus; with that sort of backdrop, he could've dressed as a trout and still been a supervillain.(1)

In other words, appearance is everything. When she had taken over this secret world-spanning demi-religious conspiratorial organization some 12 years ago, virtually no one questioned her ascension, despite its bizarre origins. Granted, this was because most of them didn't know she existed, but even when one of them hobbled into the monastery for an audience, they saw exactly what they expected: a towering priestess, violet and white robes, pious nuns and holy light. The fact that the body of said priestess had recently been slaughtering the organization's members was irrelevant; it fit the place, and the place fit it.

Altena also knew the importance of tradition, which is why she'd left the monastery exactly as she found it. History was written in every nick, scratch and bullet hole. The well-worn masonry still whispered secrets with every breeze, and the violet tapestries still bore ancient bloodstains. And the great stained-glass window still shone behind her throne before the cross, depicting a tale that few alive knew, and even fewer understood.

She turned a page of that tale in the book before her, caressing the stained vellum like an old friend. She knew every word of it by heart, but had only recently realized its true significance.

Her predecessors had dismissed it as a legend. But Altena knew that legends were history waiting to come true.

"A-_hem_."

_It's the waiting that's the hard part_, she muttered, internally. "Mm? Yes? Please continue, Mister Laforge.

"As you know, my lady," said Laforge, a thin man in a red suit, "members of the 347th _Soldats du Paris_ have raised concerns about their working conditions. Although they do approve of their traditional uniforms, to wit, polyester business suits and mysterious masks, they've raised concerns as to its effectiveness against most modern weaponry. They've have suffered grievous losses during recent operations from machine guns, mêlée weapons, and (in one notable case) an enraged duck.

"As you can see by this chart," he continued, advancing to the next slide of his presentation, "our research suggests that we could reduce fatalities amongst our front-line agents by 87 per cent with the addition of actual body armour at a cost of just $7.3 million. This would reduce turnover and insurance claims by at least 50 per cent, and serve as an incentive at college recruitment drives." He advanced the slide to show a mook in a suit, smiling despite his many bullet holes. "This concludes my presentation."

She nodded. "Noted, Mister Laforge. Guards?"

A pair of gun-toting nuns pumped him full of lead.

"See?" he gasped. "With better armour, I could have survived this!" He died.

The guards hauled him and his projector away while another broke out the blood-mop. Several others wheeled away the altar and replaced it with a brushed-steel desk with video displays, both covered with files, disks and Post-It notes. She draped the ridiculous robes over the swivel chair (revealing a far more practical business suit), sat down, and checked her email.(2)

Yuumura stepped forth from the shadows next to her. "He had a point, my lady," she said. "The men are under-equipped."

"They are _men_," she replied. "Men who sin, rape and murder at the command of lesser men…and who now answer to me. The sooner the world is rid of them, the better." She gave a languorous grin. "Wouldn't you agree, my child?"

She stared back, impassive. "You know that I must agree, my lady."

"Mmm," she purred, as she stretched. "Just as I know you are about to announce the arrival of my Warriors Three." Yuumura nodded. "Send them in."

A pair of nuns swung wide the oaken doors, which would have creaked theatrically had not a short-tempered maintenance worker with no sense for drama taken greased the heck out of them the night before. Through the dark portal strode The Warriors Three. A slight wind came with them, stirring the tapestries and the scent of old battles within.

"What a nostalgic smell," sighed Ayasugi.

"And what, dare I, Munakata, ask, does it remind you of?" asked Munakata.

"Tuesday."

They stopped before Altena and ripped off a snappy salute. "Haaaaail Lady Altena!" they chorused. "Your warriors await thee!"

"And your lady receives thee," she replied, gravely. "We have much to discuss."

"Is this about the hedge maze?" asked Kobayashi. "'Cause it was totally like that when I got here."

"Yes," muttered Munakata, "I'm sure there has always been an aeroplane has sticking out of the fountain."

"Hey, it looks better than the cab by the front gate, Miss Twisted Metal!"

"He wanted exact change! I, Munakata, had no choice!"

"Ha! Amateur. _I_ always carry $53.77 in untraceable lucre on me at all times for just such a situation!"

"May I ask you to break this $20, Miss Kobayashi?" asked Ayasugi.

"C'ointenly, 'Sugi," she replied, pulling a ludicrously overstuffed change-purse from her pants. "You wants roubles, drachmas or ha'pennies?"

Altena coughed. They shut up immediately. "As I said, we have much to discuss…_other than_ the state of the grounds or your personal finances. A new power has arisen in the land of the Rising Sun, and it has put the ultimate goal of our organization within reach."

"World domination!?" said Kobayashi, eyes sparkling.

Altena glared at her. "No…not domination. Salvation."

"Damn. Do I still get Mexico?"

"No, you do not get Mexico!" she snapped. "You will never 'get' Mexico! Why do you always ask that at every one of these briefings?"

"Because I…like the hats?"

Altena allowed herself a few moments to contemplate Kobayashi's sombrero'd head on a spike. "Your predilection for ethnic headdresses, Kobayashi, while disturbing, is not particularly relevant to the matter at hand. We are but weeks away from completing the founding quest of our organization, and with it, sweeping aside the terror and violence of this cruel, corrupt order and bringing justice back to the land."

"Do I still get a hat?" Kobayashi asked, sheepish.

"Kobayashi."

She snapped to attention. "Yes, m'lady sir ma'am?"

"Go…throw yourself off a cliff or something."

"Aye aye, captain!" Kobayashi smashed through the oaken doors and vanished into the grounds.

"My, how swiftly she runs," observed Ayasugi.

"My lady," said Munakata, as a pair of nuns wheeled out a replacement door, "please forgive my ignorance, but is Agent Kobayashi not correct? The impression I, Munakata, had received, when your ladyship recruited me was that we were to seek world domination through the amassment of wealth, power, and influence."

"That is what you were told," she replied. "I was merely exploiting your avaricious materialism so that your power would be added to mine."

"Oh." She considered this. "You know, I, Munakata, sense that I should be outraged at this deception, but I am not. I wonder why?"

"No reason in particular," she said, airily, "apart from the fact that I can command your absolute loyalty with but a word, and erase your memories of the last twenty seconds with another, as I am doing now."

Munakata blinked, as if in a daze. "My apologies, my lady, I seem to be exhausted from my journey. What were we speaking about?"

"How familiar are you with the legend depicted in this window?" she asked, pointing to the mural behind her.

It was vast circle of stained glass with leading so thin that it resembled a single multicoloured lens. Depicted in miniature around its edge was the history of the world: bloodied swords, razed villages, men at war, women and children weeping amongst the ruins of their lives. Towards the centre were two young women in alabaster robes, facing one another. Each bore a sword — one gold, one silver. Between the blades was a perfect circle of quartz through which the sun could shine, as it did now, on Altena.

Ayasugi cleared her throat. "As I recall, my lady, the legend refers to a time of strife several ages ago. It is said that two maidens, known as the Black Hands of Death, took the sins of man upon their hands to cleanse them, giving their lives for the cause of peace. It is said that the maidens have returned time and time again to protect the world of men, and that our order has been there to welcome them.

"But we lost our way. We discarded the maidens and grew gluttonous upon the very crimes we meant to prevent. Only now, with your ascension, has our order returned to its most noble quest."

"Correct." Altena turned to face the light. "In another life (3), I sought to fulfil that legend, and so trained two young warriors to lead the world to a new age. Although the results were…unexpected…it allowed me a glimpse into the truth of the tale, and the future of the universe itself."

She pushed a key on her console. The screens switched on to display several surveillance images of a tall Japanese high-school girl, both in regular and extra-luminescent form. "Twelve years ago, I foresaw a time when the black hands would bring to me a light with which to lead the world to justice. That time is now."

She passed them each a thin folder. "There is much work to be done. We must muster powerful forces of science and mysticism if we are to bring out her true light. These are your orders. Be swift, quiet, and discrete."

"And what of the maiden of light, m'lady?" asked Ayasugi. "How shall we convince her to join our cause?"

Munakata scoffed. "Fie, naysayer. There are none that can behold our lady's majesty and not bow before it; even I, Munakata, know this."

"Do not concern yourselves with such details," said Altena. "I shall persuade her, though I foresee that the way may be — what _is_ that irritating noise?"

The noise, as it turned out, was the long, drawn-out scream of ecstatic terror of a deranged woman as she plummeted from the top of a nearby cliff and crashed face-first through the monastery's roof. The human bunker-buster smashed through Altena's desk scattering dust, glass and paper everywhere.

The dust cleared to reveal a mangled Kobayashi embedded about an inch into the granite and surrounded by a kinetic splat of broken desk and blood.

"Mother of god!" screeched Munakata.

"Welcome back, senior," said Ayasugi, with a bow.

Altena did a triple-take at her new skylight. "_Kobayashi!"_

Kobayashi flipped to her feet, wobbling with astatic confidence. "Sir yes ma'am sir _sir!_" she cried. "Kobayashi has returned to report the 110 per cent successful completion of Operation Swan Dive, sir! Kobayashi set a new vertical land-speed record scaling that cliff and may have temporarily achieved escape velocity when she jumped, but she cleverly exploited the Earth's gravitational pull to return home with 9.81 meters per second squared of loyalty, sir! Kobayashi's bones have transformed into a million billion knives and puréed her organs into a nutritious, delicious paste, sir! Kobayashi is ready for action, SIR!" She saluted, and grinned. A few teeth dribbled out.

_If I kill her now_, Altena reminded herself, _I won't be able to torture her later_. "Look, Ayasugi and Munakata have your orders. Execute them at once."

"Yes sir!" she cried, advancing on them with a board with a nail in it.

"No! Not them, you idiot!" She pointed to the screens. "She's the target!"

"Aye aye, sir! Kobayashi is _go!_" The nuns were ready this time, and threw open the doors before she zipped through at just under Loony Toons velocity.

Altena lowered herself onto one of the pews, nursing a growing headache. "Why do I even bother with that woman?" she muttered.

"Perhaps it is due to her ludicrous resistance to physical harm, my lady?" suggested Ayasugi.

"Thank you, Ayasugi, for answering that rhetorical question," she said. A thought struck her, followed by a migraine. "I…just ordered Kobayashi to kill the light of justice, didn't I?"

"It is possible that Miss Kobayashi may have interpreted your remarks in that context, my lady."

"You…you two better go stop her," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"At once, my lady!" chorused the two warriors, who departed in an altogether more dignified fashion.

Altena nursed her pounding head. A pair of nuns arrived pushing a cartload of roofing tiles.

Her shadow appeared by her side. "Are you injured, my lady?" asked Yuumura.

"Leave me," she replied. "All of you," she added, in a louder voice. "At once!"

The dark one and the nuns bowed and departed. Altena searched her thoughts, but couldn't find much more than a longing for Advil.

_Why did I not foresee that?_ It was, she realized, an incredibly poor choice of words. She knew that Kobayashi had always been a few screws short of a loose cannon, and how she would react to a mission like this. And why did she send the Warriors Three in the first place? It was like sending a drunk minotaur to pick up a load of fine china. _How could I have been so…ah. I see._

"You must think you're so clever," she said, apparently speaking to the open air, "nudging me along like that. But it will take more than that to stop this holy crusade. And it will not happen again." She smiled slightly as she listened to a voice only she could hear. "I think not. This body is mine now. And soon…she will be as well."

**(Footnotes)**

1. This was actually in Mr. Broccoli's original script in the girl's universe; they went with a lobster because it was more intimidating.

2. Tradition is important, but to dominate the world in any organized fashion you need Twitter.

3. See all of _Noir_ for the details, noting, of course, that there are more than a few timeline shifts involved in this story.


	18. Never use the holodeck

**Chapter 18: Never use the holodeck**

[Note from the author: I apologize for the delay; life intervened. Don't worry; I suspect I'll have this thing written by 2099.]

The first thing that told Chiyo that something had gone horribly wrong was the hole in the universe.

It was a jagged rip in the night sky that seemed to have been hacked from the space-time continuum with safety scissors. Ringed with crackling auroras and the buzz of electric bees, it offered a tantalizing glimpse into a realm of flickering polygons, hexadecimal tendrils and COBOL coils.

The second was the throbbing migraine that threatened to split her head. _Oh dear_, she thought, _did I mix up ethanol and isopropanol again?_(1) It would explain why she couldn't remember the last 20 minutes, and the hallucinations.

The third, of course, was the big flashing dialogue box that read, "Something has gone horribly wrong; Abort, Retry, Whale?"

Chiyo rubbed her eyes and took a second look. "Eh? 'Whale'?"

_Bloop_. The box became a humpback, sang a little whale-song, and vanished in a puff of pixels.

_Oh,_ she thought. _That makes sense_. "No, wait a minute, that makes no sense at all! What's going on!"

"I dunno," said Kagura, hanging upside down from some sort of fractal, glowing tree, "but I want the number of that truck that hit us."

"Miss Kagura! You look...different?"

"I'll say," she said, looking herself over. "I don't remember my blood being electric blue."

Kagura was apparently clothed in some sort of silk-smooth bodysuit crisscrossed with a network of glowing blue lines. The tree, Chiyo noticed, was much the same (except black and green). Close examination revealed binary in its bark and ASCII in its leaves.

"Y'know," said Kagura, "this seems kind of familiar for some reason."

"You mean hanging from a tree?"

"Well, yeah, that, but —"

Tomo burst from a pile of .TXT files. "FRICKITTY FRACK! WE'RE IN TRON!"

"Yeah! That's it. Also, AAAAGH!"

"Aaargh!"

"Waaaugh!"

"Yaaaagggh!"

"God damn it," snapped Yomi, "would you two shut up!" She pushed aside some branches and joined them. "You're giving me a digi-headache." Sakaki was right behind her.

Chiyo greeted them. "Are you all right? Has anyone seen Miss Osaka?"

The girl in question jogged by, in blissful pursuit of an 8-bit butterfly. Sakaki collared her. "Aw," whined Osaka. " not found..."

"Thank goodness you're all safe," said Chiyo. "Er, well, as safe as can be, considering the circumstances."

Everyone, it seemed, had been dressed up in the same Daft-Punk-techno style as Kagura: monotone white skin, neon circuit-board highlights and glowing hair. Each had their own colour scheme — pink for Chiyo, black for Sakaki, red for Yomi, yellow for Tomo, and some sort of Pantone nightmare for Osaka — and each had their names floating over their heads, followed by the extension "EXE."

"What's happened to us?" asked Sakaki. "Did we fall asleep?"

"Nah," replied Tomo. "If this were a dream, Yomi wouldn't feel me pinchin' her cheek like this."

"You're supposed to pinch _yourself_, idiot," Yomi snapped, slapping her hand away. "But she's right. This feels...real, for whatever reason."

"It's obvious, ain't it?" said a still upside-down Kagura. "We're inside a computer."

"That's ridiculous," said Yomi. "Computers don't work that way."

"Yeah," said Kagura, "but we were at Chiyo's place, remember? We're probably inside one of those Xbox Three-Trillions she's got lyin' around."

"Yeah!" said Tomo. "So let's fire up Robotron already and kick some ASCII!"

"This is gonna be awesome!" said Kagura.

"Heck yeah!" said Tomo, high-fiving her.

Yomi leaned against a glowing trunk and rubbed her temples. "Okay, fine. Assuming you're right, the next question is why?"

Sakaki perked up. "Weren't we in a fight."

_Tomo's shrill cry rang out across the raging battlefield. "Avengers ah-SEM-BAAAAAL!" _

"_We're already here, dumbass!" snapped Kagura, swinging a stop sign. "Stop shoutin' and start fightin'!"_

_The Pugnacious Pickler was back in town to unleash his acidic acts of archvillainy upon the hapless citizens of downtown Tokyo. He'd lead a contingent of Ghurkha-Gherkins to the steps of city hall and laid siege to it with his dreaded Dill-Inger disruptors, dousing friend and foe alike in the marinated mayhem. The girls had leapt into action, but were overwhelmed by their opponent's numbers and soon found themselves in a bit of a — well, you know._

"_I _am_ fighting!" said Tomo. "I'm, uh, evaluating the situation from the back lines like Cap!"_

"_Cap's always on the front line," she replied, as she took a swing at the horde of cucumber commandoes that surrounded them. "You haven't thrown a punch yet!" _

"_I'm keeping myself in reserve! Besides, they're pickles. How tough can they —" She took a Vini-Bolt to the face. "AUGH! MY EYES! That's it! Feel the wrath of Tomo, evildoers!" Blinded, she sent a thundering right cross into a wall. "Augh! My knuckles! I need those!"_

_A road-rattling roar from a prehistoric time shook the sky. Kagura looked up from her bout of pickled pugilism to see a 600-foot-tall shambling mound of Nazi cabbage blotting out the sun and stomping down the street towards her. "Aw nuts. It's the Sauerkraut Supreme. Yomi! Can you —"_

_Yomi grunted, grabbed a Honda Civic and hurled it at the titanic (and nutritious) terror. It promptly swatted it back at her. "Ow," she said from beneath the wreckage._

_Kagura cursed as she took out a Gherkin with an overhead chop, laying into her opponents with abandon. "Sakaki! What are you standing around for! Get flying and start frying!" _

_Sakaki, who against all reasonable expectations was _not_ ablaze with the power of a million suns, jabbed her fingers uselessly in the abomination's general direction. "I'm trying! My powers aren't working!"_

"_Well, try harder!" _

"_Right!" She grit her teeth, and threw her whole body into a beam-throwing motion. Muscles strained, and sweat trickled down her brow. "Come out, please!" she whispered. "Come out!"_

_Three Gherkins flanked Kagura and tackled her to the ground. "Sakaki! Help!"_

"_AaaaaaAAAAAGH!"_

_The power surged forth like an atomic blast. Light seared Kagura's retinas an instant before the shockwave, which cracked pavement and literally shattered the dill-things upon her. A pencil-thin laser cracked from Sakaki's outstretched hands, sliced through space and smote the sinister sauerkraut. _

_Said cabbage, in complete defiance of all giant kaiju regulations, did not then immediately topple over and explode in a shower of cheap pyrotechnics. Instead, it froze in place, cracked, and shattered into a million twinkling polygonal pieces, leaving a black void in its place. _

_Kagura blinked, and, once she'd determined that she wasn't hallucinating, blinked again. And then a mad grin split her face. "Oh my gawd, that was AWESOME! What the heck was that?"_

_Sakaki, now looking her typically stellar self, seemed at a loss. "I'm not sure," she said, regarding her outstretched hands as one would an old musket after it decided to leap off the mantelpiece and perforate the cat. "It felt like I was pushing with all my might against something, and then, all of a sudden, it just sort of...broke."_

"_Well, whatever it was, I'm just glad it worked. Ugh, I'm never eating kimchi again." She got to her feet and picked some sour cabbage from her hair. "So, you can fix the whole black hole in space thing, right?"_

"_Um..."_

_Kagura's ears perked up at a sound not unlike the crackle under an arrogant explorer's feet about half a block out on Lake Thin Ice. Dark, dangerous cracks were lancing out from the cabbage-shaped hole in reality, spreading stutter-step through stone, earth, and, somehow, the sky itself. _

_She gulped. "Because if you can, now would be a good time to start."_

_Sakaki gasped and staggered back from the apparent disintegration of the space-time continuum. The universe crumpled and crumbled behind her, leaving a crackling void of nothingness behind it. _

_As Kagura's mind tried to grasp the horror of what she was beholding, her legs (which were always the most sensible part of her) decided to sprint for their lives — too late. The ground snapped, the sky split, and she was falling, falling, falling..._

"I can still taste the vinegar," said Kagura, suppressing a shudder. "But how'd we get from Chiyo's to downtown? And where'd the Pickler come from?"

Chiyo snapped her fingers. "Now I remember! The tests! We'd all gone down into my mother's laboratory to run some tests!"

It'd been a decent idea, she remembered, despite the risk of letting Miss Tomo anywhere near multi-million-dollar lab equipment. She'd need a full-spectrum analysis of her friends' powers in action, so a trip to the Multipurpose Monitoring and Simulation Chamber (AKA the Rather Dangerous Room) seemed in order.

"Let's see," she murmured, "we'd stepped into the squiggly-lined room,(2) and I was just about to activate the comprehensive sensory and analysis suite when..."

"_Ooh, what's this button do?"_

"_Aah! Miss Tomo! Don't touch that! That's —"_

"...the button for the Nth-Dimensional Quantum Hyper-Reality Simulator Matrix!" She whirled on Tomo. "The one with 'Do not press under absolutely any circumstances' written on it! Oh why, why did you push that terrible, terrible button, Miss Tomo!"

"It was a button!" Tomo said. "What did you expect me to do?"

Chiyo twitched. "Not! Push! It!"

"Okay, okay, calm down everyone," said Yomi, as Osaka moved to separate Chiyo and Tomo. "We can all beat up Tomo later. What's this nth-dimensional whatchamacallit have to do with this mess we're in?"

"Well, I'm not sure how it works, but Mother told me it was meant to simulate reality with an unprecedented degree of accuracy.(3) It puts a quantum duplicate of the user's mind inside the simulation, creating a direct link between the user and the program. The program is real to the duplicate, so it's also real to the user."

"Why does that sound like an incredibly bad idea?"

"Well, since the user experiences everything that the duplicate does, if the duplicate dies..." She trailed off, helplessly.

Osaka, incredibly, got it first. "Oh man! Game over, man! Game over!"

"Why would you put us in something so dangerous, you little fool?" cried Tomo.

"You pushed the button!" she screamed.

Yomi thumped her head against a tree. "Assuming we get out of this alive, Chiyo, remind me to force-feed your mother every _Star Trek_ episode involving the holodeck."(4)

"So that was the simulation we were in earlier, right?" asked Sakaki, as Osaka tried to break up Chiyo and Tomo's sissy-fight. "What happened to it?"

"Eh?" said Chiyo. "Ack!"

"Ha!" said Tomo, having smote her with a wild swing. "Victory is mine!"

"Well," Chiyo continued, as Kagura put Tomo in an upside-down chokehold, "it was designed to give us an environment where we could safely use our powers for analysis. I think it must have crashed when it tried to simulate your abilities, Miss Sakaki — although I can't fathom why — dropping us into the server's general memory."

"And it has enough space to hold all of us? Amazing."

Chiyo waved that aside. "Human consciousness only takes up about 12.7 kilobytes of memory, according to Mother's calculations.(5) Our selves should have transferred over intact, meaning we should have remembered we were in a simulation during that incident. So why didn't we?"

She ran down the possibilities. "I know I didn't click the 'localized amnesia' option, and I'm positive that The Pickler wasn't in my specifications. That means there was either a glitch of some sort or..."

"Sabotage?"

She nodded. "The question is, by whom?"

Robotic laughter shook the digital forest. "You fool, Mihama! There is no escaping my world of murder!"

Chiyo squealed and cowered behind Sakaki. "What? Who! Where?"

"There!" said the tall one, pointing skyward.

Ringed with a nimbus of fractal sparks and flickering artefacts was what looked like the love-child of Sinistar and Alfred E. Neuman. The pixelated monstrosity had a head of flaming orange hair, a hideous polka-dot bow tie, and a smile that said, "Hi! How would you like to be murdered today?"

"Yes," continued the face, "it is I, the magnificent Arcade! I don't know how you escaped my virtual unreality trap, but as soon as this Trojan program finds you, it's back into the stockade — there, to spend the rest of your miserable life! Whilst your real body withers away into nothingness, your mind shall remain here — a permanent addition to my carnival of horrors! That'll teach you for making fun of my tie! Ah ha ha ha! MESSAGE ENDS. BEEP."

It was Tomo that first broke the girls' shocked silence. "So," she asked, casually, "can we kill Chiyo now?" Kagura cuffed her on the head. "And would you get out of your tree already?"

"I swear I had nothing to do with this!" said the small one. "I've never even met this Arcade person!" She huffed. "This was obviously a trap set for one or both of my parents that they didn't know about." _Or didn't bother with_, she added, mentally. _Yet another fine mess for me to clean up_.

"Can't we just say 'Computer, end program' or something?" asked Yomi. "I guess not," she added, as an error message popped into being before her. "What's with the 'whale' option? Hmm...Osaka? Can you magic us out?"

Osaka mumbled some mantras and made some tentative sweeps through the air. "S'no good," she sighed. "Ah can feel somethin' like magic in th' air, but I can't get a hold of it without a fetish."

Tomo perked up at the word. "A fetish? Why don't you use Yomi?"

"Huh?"

"What are you on about now?" asked Yomi, already dreading her response.

Tomo shrugged. "Well, y'know...glasses, schoolgirl, jelly-rolls — DOOF!"

"She means a magical focus, moron," she replied, "like a staff or a wand, right?" Osaka nodded. "Right. Although I'm a little surprised to hear about magic inside a computer system."

"Well, y'know what they say 'bout sufficiently advanced technology," said Osaka.

"It's indistinguishable from magic?"

"Oh, is that what they say? Thanks, that was buggin' me."

Yomi's left eye developed a dangerous twitch. "Okay. Ignoring you now. Anyone else have any bright ideas?"

Kagura swung upright and peered above the canopy. "Well, it looks like we're in a park in the middle of some sort of big glowing city," she said. "We could ask for directions?"

"Why is there a city inside a computer?" Sakaki wondered.

"It's probably some sort of metaphorical construct assembled by our collective subconscious as a way for us to interact with the computer's data structures," said Kagura.

The others gaped.

She blushed. "What? I watched _Ghost in the Shell_."(7)

Tomo gave her the eyeball. "You're a Cylon, aren't you?"

Chiyo nodded. "I think you're right, Miss Kagura. This must be how our minds are interpreting the digital environment. If we can find some sort of command program or escape terminal in here, we should be able to escape."

"And if there ain't," said Kagura, "we'll jack a light-cycle, kick reason to the curb and burn pixel back to the real world!"

"I'm driving!" added Tomo.

"No!" said the others.

* * *

(Footnotes)

1. Best. Rum balls. Ever.

2. "Polygons suck!" Mrs. Mihama had said, when designing the layout for the holo-emitters.

3. "Mwah ha ha ha ha!" she added.

4. Actually, Mrs. Mihama was an inverterate Trekker and, upon seeing the episode "A Fistful of Datas," had said, "Brilliant!" and hacked all the safety protocols out of her simulator matrix. "Because it's not SCIENCE until someone loses an eye!"

5. There's actually a fascinating explanation for this. You see, it [MESSAGE REDACTED. THE COMPUTER IS YOUR FRIEND.]

6. A touching documentary about the adventures of a cybernetic snail amongst the wilds of Moncton, Ontario.


End file.
